Adoption Adventures: Finding Our Family through Fostering

I mean, I think they've changed both of us for the better. Just made us better people and a deeper love than you can ever understand.Once you become a parent, it is beyond your heart and deeper than anything in this world.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti.I am so happy to have friends of a friend of mine on the podcast today. So shout out to Maridel for connecting us. Any friend of Maridel's is a friend of mine. Welcome David and Jill from California. Thanks for being here.

Thank you for having us.

So I understand that you traveled the Foster to Adopt route. Can you tell our listeners a little bit about what started your journey? And let's start there.

Like I mentioned in the, in the email, yeah, we, we went the fostering route. We were able to have kids on our own, so we went that route. We basically took classes right before COVID hit.And then right when it was at the main, main Covid time is when we finally got certified. We ended up, you know, getting two beautiful girls. We were just expecting one, but we ended up getting two. Two girls. Siblings. Yes.I mean, we were always wanting to have our family and we finally have our family.

So, so wonderful.

It was a pretty treacherous route, but we, it worked out finally.

Yeah, I want to talk all about that treacherous route. I know I've traveled it myself twice as well.Let's start with the, if you don't mind talking about it, the infertility issues, how long did that go on for? And the reason I ask is not to pry into your personal life, but because so many listeners go through this and it's not talked about enough.I went through years of infertility, miscarriages, failed IVFs, the whole gamut. And that's what brought me to Foster to adopt. So if you can just give us a sense of what went on for you.How long was that period of time and what your mindset was like when you entered into starting to foster?

I can jump in there because I'm actually the one that was not able to have kids. And we did the infertility treatments and all of that for probably a year and a half, two years.And at some point the guy just told me, hey, listen, even, you know, with all the help in the world, you have less than a 5% chance because my eggs were just depleting and we didn't know why. And that was enough for me. So in a way, it was kind of a Relief for us to not have to keep trying. I never could get pregnant.

Yeah.

You know, condolences to the people that have had to go through the losses and all that. We really just. We never got there. Then after that, you know, that's when we had thought, you know, the easy part will be just to adopt.But of course that process takes forever. So.

Yes.

What it took to go through that stuff.

Thank you for mentioning that. About your, your journey, your infertility journey.And isn't it funny how you spend your whole life trying not to get pregnant and then finally when you want to get pregnant, you're like. And then finally for me, I don't know if this was your.I was like, as a matter of fact, like, now that I think of it, like, there were a lot of times when I probably should have gotten pregnant and like, it didn't happen, you know. So. Yeah. Just the irony of that. Yeah. It sounds like you transitioned pretty well into deciding to. That you wanted to adopt.Was that true or did you have any. Did you have any hesitation when you started out and why choose foster rather than just a straight adoption?

I don't think we had any hesitation. We just wanted a family more than anything in the world.

Yeah.I was basically just looking online and then I saw a place like down the street from us, like about a 10 minute drive from us to take fostering classes. And I was like, let's try it out. Why not?And, you know, we wanted to help a kid that, you know that there's a lot of kids in the system that, that aren't lucky enough to get, you know, adopted or. So he's like, let's try that route. And it worked out, I don't know, great. We met some, some awesome people too.

Yeah.

So we have some. You know, my wife has a support group of girls that.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Like at least once a month or even more and in. They can relate to us, you know, and it's. Yeah, before COVID it was awesome because we had a support group that we would go to in person and.And that was awesome. You know, it was, it was great. And then after that it was all, you know, just on zoom and it kind of died after that.But it was great to meet all these people and to relate with them, you know, because everybody went through this similar thing.

So, yeah, you're hitting on something that. It's such a big. It's such a big thing.

Support.

Just the importance of having support from people who have been there and done this is Just, I mean, it's just priceless to have that. I actually didn't have that and I'm so happy that you guys did.And I've talked to, in this, doing this show, I've talked to a lot of people who have and a lot of people who didn't. Did your.First of all, did you go through an agency or were you going straight through the county and then did they facilitate you forming relationships with the other families?

We went through an agency, yes. The Village, it's called. And then everyone was, was fine at the beginning a little bit.You know, they were very supportive, but they're all, they're always there. Yeah. And they did facilitate getting the girls to us, but the support group, that was basically something that they offered it.And we, we just went there.

You know, we just, we're social people, so we just kind of jumped in and got numbers and then went from there, you know.

Yeah, yeah.

Relate with these people more than, you know, I could relate with my sister or mom because they naturally had children. So it's just a different level of pain and frustration, you know, and to have that group, they just understood us right away. So.

Yeah, absolutely. Did you have any idea what you were getting into or signing up for?Like, did you kind of understand what you, you were potentially going to go through or did you kind of just go into it?I mean, you took the classes, so obviously you have a sense taking the classes, but what was your mind frame in terms of, you know, you wanted to adopt?And I hear this from so many people, which is why I ask that they, they're so sure that they want to adopt and they know that reunification is the goal. So how do you reconcile that and how do you move forward knowing that and also knowing what you really want?

For me, I really relied on my husband a lot because I was a mess. I'll be honest, you know, not knowing if we get to keep our kids. They were the first children we got, thank God. But the bios, the bio.She was very involved at first, so we didn't know if we'd have them three weeks to a year to a month. We just had no idea. So I didn't deal with it very well, to be honest. It was hard.

Yeah, it was, it was very difficult. I mean, like halfway through, basically, they, they said that they were going to remove the girls from our house. They gave us two weeks.We had a removal letter. Yeah, we had a letter.And then we had a going away party with our family, our friend and everybody that you Know our support group and, and luckily we call them our angel. The girl's attorney basically emailed the judge and told, asked, hey, did you guys ever.Because they were going to return them back to their maternal grandmother and then did you guys check her record in New York? And they're like, oh, no, let us check her record in New York. And then after that they're like, oh, there's no way we're.

She had a rap sheet. Yeah.

There's no way we're giving the girls. Yeah, I know, but we're like, we're dumbfounded. We're like, oh my goodness. Yeah, but, but it was, it was just an amazing thing that he did.And, and I was, I had a really good rapport with him. We really got along. I was always in contact with him. Tell me about the court dates and all that stuff.So, so he was basically like, just to let you know, I didn't do it for you, I did it for the girls. I was like, I get it. Whatever.

Yeah.

Put the kids first.

Yeah. Or as long as, you know, the girls are happy and very well taken care of. That's all we wanted. So.

That's so important. Yeah. Point of clarification. Yeah.Just for listeners who might not know or understand the court appointed attorney, that is the attorney for the children. So it is absolutely their duty to look out for the best interest of the child or children. Right. They're not your attorney or anyone else's attorney.They're for that child. And I had a great relationship with, with my child's. Both of my children's attorneys as well.And I think that that is, it's so crucial and I don't know that if people understand this, it's like you're on the same team. You, you all want what's best for this child. And rather than, I think a lot of people might feel like triggered or nervous or whatever it is.And so they either don't make a relationship at all with the, the person or there can also be sometimes like some sort of combative. And that doesn't serve anybody. It just doesn't.I always try to tell people when they ask for advice, it's like, just be nice and kind to everyone you encounter. Just, just keep thinking about that child's highest good. That is what you can do. That is all you can do.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because also like the social workers weren't very helpful, to be honest. They were just like you said, the. All about reunification.And they just seem like they always took, you know, they never had our backs, it seemed like for, for a.

Long time, you know, for LA County.

He's talking about LA County.

Yeah. So, yeah, it's like going. And I always say this and it's like kind of a terrible thing to say, but it's a joke, everyone. So it's just a joke.I used to say it's like going to the dmv, like you've gotta just like you can't make a problem. You have to be ultra nice and like really do everything. You know what I mean? Because if you don't, they're gonna get in there and get you.But if you're like kind and nice all the time, then after a while they kind of like mellow out and they thaw and they, they get to know that you're like a good person and a good family and. Right.

Yeah, correct, correct. Yeah. And them always come into your home and dissecting everything, you know, and just. Yeah, it was, it was, I'm so glad, so happy.Like now, like, you know, it's been like what, two and a half years? Or it's going to be two years. We're like, wow, there's nobody coming to our home, you know, like. Yeah, invasive. Exactly.

So it really is the.I remember the first time that we were like, we were planning a trip and I was like, I don't have to get permission from anyone to go, you know, like the.

Wow.

Oh my God. Or like taking the kids to the doctor. Like, I don't have to fill out a form, you know, like normal life.

Exactly.

Yeah. We pushed a, a family vacation for, for about two, three years because the girls didn't have their passports.But we just recently went to Costa Rica and they had a blast.

Amazing.

Yeah, there were zip lining, there were like.

Oh my God.

Yeah, they, they loved every minute of it. It was, it was amazing. Yeah.

That's so great. Did you zipline as well?

Yes, we all did.

Nice. How old were the girls when they came and then you said it took about two and a half years, is that right?

So they were one and two, turning two and three and officially to adopt, it was four years and 28 days.

Four years.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh God, that's a long time.

Yeah, it was a lot. Yeah. Like going to like the, you know, when they were going to remove them, the parental rights, going to that court date and.

Yes.

Yeah.

But finally, yeah, finally when we, there's a final adoption, like court date, it was, it was like a movie to me, you know?

Yeah.

Because we're in the back and the judge is, you know, we just start balling when they say that everything, you know, it's been finalized.

The best day of my life, those days. I'm getting chills. Yeah, the best days of my life.

Exactly. Yeah. It was amazing to cry right now.

Just thinking about it, you know?

I know, I know. Did you have friends and family with you?

Just usually, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

That's just us four. Yeah. We wore short, like, different shirts. Like, she had a super momio. Super daddy. Oh, and they had a super kiddo shirts. Yeah, it was.It was really cute. Yeah.

Oh, that's so cute. You'll have to send me a picture, if you don't mind. I would love to share with the listeners, because that is so adorable.

Awesome. Yeah. Thank you.

What was it like to all of a sudden have to, like. I. We signed up for a sibling set. We said, okay, like, we'd be willing to do a sibling set, but we didn't end up getting one.And I often was, like, so glad that we didn't, because just one is, like, a lot at one time. What was that like for you to go from nothing. No. No children. To having two toddlers.

It was interesting in the beginning, you know, we obviously just hugged and kissed them, like, you know, like, right when they came through our door. Like, the older one sat on my lap, and she immediately gave me a kiss on my cheek.

Yeah.

And I was just like, all right, I'm done. I'm already in love, you know, But. But yeah, we. We basically, we had to deal with lice. They both had lice when they came to you.

They had lice.

And they were. Honestly, they weren't like normal toddlers because they were so traumatized.They were so neglected and abused that, you know, the little one, she had a bruise under her eye, and our oldest, she would just grab things. They were like kind of like wild animals because they just had never been taught anything.They would be neglected for days at a time in hotel rooms and abandoned.

That's what happened, basically. Yeah. They're basically found in a hotel room by themselves.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

At 1 and 2. And obviously, it wasn't the first time that it happened too, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

A bunch of love and taught them about, you know, life, you know, and so that was because they couldn't really walk or talk at that.

Delayed. Of course they were.

Yeah.

The older ones, she had kind of, like, a little tick, too, and she would kind of bite her lip a lot, all the time. And it was yeah, it was, it was a lot to deal with. Yeah.And then when we finally took him to like, like a preschool, like the only complaint they ever had was just that they hugged too much.

Yeah, they're just, they, they were just.

Exactly, exactly.

Yeah.

They just wanted to hug everyone.

Yeah.

Wow, that's, that's not a terrible thing.

Exactly. It took a while for, you know, at first he used to call us Juju and Day. You know, it took a while for us to finally.Because every time, you know, they would see their, their. Yeah. Their kid, their kids, you know, their, their friends and they're like, oh, Mommy and Daddy, you know, and we're like, okay, it's fine.You know, after like a couple of like a year and a half, two years, like it's fine. Right, Exactly.

We were scared have them call us mom and dad because we just didn't know what would happen.

Yeah, we don't want them really hard.

That's a really interesting point as well because I, I'm on a lot of forums and people talk about that all the time. Like what do I do? Like the kids are calling me mom and like I don't know how to respond to that.And I've seen and read a lot of people's comments and it seems like just let them do, do it, you know, because they, they may never have had any type of figure that they could call that and, and you are being their mom and dad and in that moment.

But yeah, but luckily we had a big support group too. Like we live with my mother in law and then my, my brother in law and like she's a nurse and then my brother girlfriend, she's a tutor.So it's, it's been. Yeah, it was, it was. We had a lot of help. So.

Takes a village.

Yeah, it takes a village for sure. Yeah.

Yes, it does.

Like you said. Yeah, it's, it was.

How have their, like, have they caught up developmentally or are they still a little bit behind? Do they have IEPs in school, that kind of thing?

Yes, they do have. Both have IEPs and, and finally, I think at least the youngest one, she's finally out of speech therapy.Eva Marie, she's the older one, she's still in, in speech therapy and occupational therapy too. But, but yeah, they're, they're, they're finally catching up a little bit.They're just a little bit behind on their reading and math, the basics, you know.

But Ava Marie has an aide at school and it's helpful. They really are. They're getting it and you know, they're just loving girls and yeah.

We got so lucky that I think we got them right before they were really, really, you know, who knows what they saw, you know, those little eyes, you know.

But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, but yeah, I think we at 1 and 2 was. They were about to be 2 and 3. But I think we got them at the perfect age before they were traumatized. Really, really, really traumatized. Badly.

Yeah.

Because we don't, you know, they don't like sit in a corner and like cry. Like this is stories we hear, you know, and stuff like that about other foster. Yeah. So much that. Yeah. Then, yeah, all they want is love. That's it.They just want hug and kiss and that's it.

Oh my God, that's so wonderful. What is their relationship like? Do they get along sometimes? Yeah, yeah.

Eleven months apart. Exactly.

Yeah.

Age of fighting right now. But they do love each other a lot too, right?

Yeah. What was. So how old are they now?

7 and 8.

I have a 9 year old and a 4 year old and they fight all the time. My 9 year old is on the spectrum and she has ADHD and so he is like hyperactive, the 4 year old and so he drives her crazy because it's lol.Like she, he's very unpredictable and she's like, gets really triggered. Like just her, her sensory system gets overloaded by him and it's, it's challenging. They get along too, but they do, they fight a lot.

That means they're normal kids.

Yeah, yeah. Yep, yep.And I, I do appreciate you being straight up with the, the IEP and the services because I think a lot of people, they don't necessarily understand that that many, I mean most of the children that are going to be coming from the foster care system are going to have some kind of special needs. They, they just are.You know, I, I've been, I, I've been taught now since doing this podcast and talking to like doctors and stuff, that trauma is actually a special need. Like, so any child who's suffered trauma and they all have, even if you got them as infants like I did, they suffered trauma in utero.And so there's going to be stuff. But, you know, it sounds like you're right where I am.It's like get the services, support them in the best way that you can and love them exactly how they are. Yeah. It's like my kids are amazing. They're so great.

I know. We're so lucky. We got. They're just. Yeah, like I said, yeah, they're just hugging all the time and learn all the time.

That's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you guys.

Thank you.

Do you ever think about doing it again or, like, having more children? Totally. Yeah.

We're done too.

We're like, yeah.

Through. Even though I can't have kids, I went through the hormonal changes, you know, where I was like. Because I just.40 and a couple years ago, I was like, maybe another one. But then when after we saw my sister and her, you know, three year old and one year old, I was like, yeah, maybe not. So.

Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Are they the same ethnicity as you or are they a different race or what's.

They're actually. They're black and white. Okay. Dave is Hispanic. So we're kind of a mixed family.

I love that they both have curly hair. Obviously, we both have straight hair, so whatever people look at, you know, look at us like, oh, we don't care.

Yeah. You mentioned the hair was a little different. Have you gotten any training or any. Have you figured out how to do their hair yet or have you. What.What's happening with the hair trial and.

Error and talking to other moms and stuff like that? Yeah, definitely.But I mean, my hair is very straight and flat and theirs is wild and, like, froze, you know, so, yeah, at first it was a little intimidating, but we got it down with a lot of product and water, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that moisture, you gotta moisturize.

Yes, exactly.

Moisture curl enhancer.

Yep, yep. Very cool.

Yeah. He can even do their hair too now, so if I'm out of town or something. So it's.

Oh, that's great. That's great. Do you guys do, like, braids and all that?

Not braids, but we pull it up and we do different things with it, so.

Nice.

What about you? Do you do braids and stuff or.

Well, he's a boy, so, like, I don't have to really deal with all of that, you know, we have it. He's got beautiful, beautiful hair. My God. And so we have it sort of short on the sides, and then it's long and natural on the top, curly.He kind of has like the Prince haircut, like the purple green where it kind of comes down and he looks like, super cool.

Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah.

When we cut the girl's hair short, like, remember our old social worker through the agency, which we were. Had a really good relationship with? He's like, oh, it looks like Bruno Mars.

Totally. Yes. I got Bruno Mars a lot too. Good dancer, too. Just like Bruno Mars and Prince.

But yeah, yeah, that, like, for me, it was only like a. A couple of. One time at the. At the grocery store, like, some lady was just talking to you. He's like, oh, you both have straight hair and curly.I'm like, you know.

Yeah.

That we just didn't pay attention to. It just kept on going, you know, But. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting when people think that they are entitled to, like, share their opinion about anything about your family.Yeah, it's interesting, but sometimes I think people are just genuinely curious, but.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's. It's interesting. I. I think it's such a gift to have multiple cultures in our family. I really love that about our family.And, you know, we try to celebrate all the holidays and learn about the different cultures and that kind of thing.

Yeah, definitely. Really beautiful.

Do the girls, like, obviously they know they're adopted. Do you ever. Are you still in touch with the bio family at all? Do they ever ask about the bio family?

What.

What's that? Like?

They don't.They don't really ask too much about the bio family, but we are sure, like, we always tell them and educate them and, you know, like, we make sure that they know someone before us wasn't able to take care of you. We just keep it very simple and light and we tell them that, you know, I say, you know, mommy didn't carry you in her tummy and stuff like that.And I just say, you know, that we. God brought us to you and brought you to us and, you know, just kind of keep it light.But we will definitely, as they get older, tell them the truth and tell them what happened.

Yeah.

So we'll even say, like, I'll say, look at my skin. Who has lighter skin? And we just kind of discuss how we. We don't look alike and that's okay. And we're still a family. And so again, we.We bring it up, but we don't go into really a lot of depth yet.

Sure. Yeah.

All their friends too, you know, because we had like a adoption slash birthday party at the park and invited all their friends and everybody.

So that's so great. So they have a whole community of. Of folks who are just like them that. That are adopted. I love that. That's just so great. Really important. Yeah.The tummy thing always, just always my heart a little bit like, oh, when, like, one of my kids is like, you know, mommy, when I was in your tummy, blah, blah, blah, and I have to say, like, well, honey, you were in my heart.

Yeah.

You know, they know, but like, I can't. I just want to make sure that they still understand, especially my baby boy because he came to us at three days old and you know, he needs to know.Right. So it's always kind of breaks my heart a little bit to have to say that, but I just try to say it in the nicest. You know, it is the truth.You know, he grew my heart, not my tummy.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Because younger one is always asking, oh, how was that when I was debate stuff like that.

And what do you. What's your response?

Well, I mean, we talk, you know, we. We tell her, you know, we. We had you when you were one. So. Yeah. And she didn't really cry a lot. You know, we were so like. Yeah, we.We had them in our bed for like a couple of days and then they were in their own room, you know, and it was.

Yeah.

Worked out perfectly. Yeah. We would go in there when, you know, they would cry a little bit and they're like, she was.The younger one was a little bit more afraid of the dark, so would go in there and help her out and make sure she was okay and she felt safe.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I find. I don't know if this is true for you. It sounds like it might be. My kids are so resilient.Like, they're just so tough in a great way, you know, I mean, they just. They can handle. Get knocked down a little bit. They get up. They're not. And I just love that about them too.Like, I really appreciate that about them, you know.

I agree.

Yeah.

I think that's thing. You know, they've already been through more as a baby or as a little kid than most people as adults, so.

That's right.

Yeah. Then we're still lucky too, that like I said, our girls are just so happy.Like, I don't know if they just feel that they just need love or just want to give love too because like every morning, like, they're just like wake up with the smile, like, yeah. Go to school and then they say good morning to their friends and their friends, like, man, like all.

Yes.

And then.

But they're. They're never grumpy.

They're not moody kids.

Never. It's amazing.

Awesome. My kids are super happy too. Like, not all the time, obviously.

They're.

It's like they're wait. They were waiting for you guys, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. It really, truly feels meant to be. Do you have that experience.

Exactly.

Yeah. That's amazing. And it sounds like your families were. Were both really supportive and on board. Is that true?

Yes, absolutely. Great.

Oh, that's wonderful. What advice would you have to anyone who is thinking about traveling this road?

There's really no rules or regulations, and you don't know what the bios will do. Just be patient. Honestly, we prayed a lot. You know, have faith and just be there for the babies. You know, it was.It was hard emotionally to not really know. And I think the kids can feel that sometimes. So just be there for them as much as you can and embrace yourself. It's. It's a ride, so.And some people, they'll get a baby and that's that. No, no bios show up. For us, it was just a really long journey. So I think just have patience and have faith.

Yeah, I totally agree with everything that she's just said, you know, and it's like I said, it was heart wrenching, you know, probably never gonna go anything through that, you know, in your life ever again. You know, just. You don't know if. Yeah. Know if you're gonna keep them. You don't know if they're going to be there the next day. And it was.Yeah, it was stressful.

How did you handle that uncertainty?

Like I said, I really. My poor husband, I. I was a mess. I would cry in the shower and just, you know, really, really hard. The unknown. But David was my rock.And I think just relying on family and having faith and, you know, just. Just understanding that it was out of our hands.

Yeah. Family and God, to me, that was it. Yeah. Yeah. And me, I've always played basketball for my whole life, so at least like one try to play at least once.

A week and have an outlet.

I always had an outlet. I always try to have an outlet, you know?

Yes.

Very important to get that out. Yeah.

Yeah. And it sounds like another thing is having that community of. Of other people who are going through it.

Exactly. That's huge. People you can talk to that get it and understand.And that's not always your family because a lot of people in your family have had kids or are fine in that apartment. So just reaching out to people that understand. Yeah, that's a big one, too.

What have you learned or how have you changed since having this experience?

I think we both are more patient, especially having kids and kind of understanding things are out of your control.Even what goes on at school, how they act, what they do, you know, loving them unconditionally, but understanding they are their own individual people and you can guide them and be there for them. But I mean, I think they've changed both of us for the better. Just made us better people and a deeper love than you can ever understand.Once you become a parent, it is beyond your heart and deeper than anything in this world. So just the love, I think, has changed us too.

Yeah, just like becoming, I think just basically by becoming a parent. Yeah, you just, you no longer just live for yourself, you know, you want to be better. Yeah, I just want to be a better person for them.And you want to be around for them, you know, you want to be more healthy for them. You want to, right? Yeah. You just want to be better.

Yeah, all of that. I agree with all of the above. Guys, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today.I'm so, so happy to share your story and to hear about it and I'm just wishing you an awesome, awesome life together.

You too. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for having us.

Yes, you were amazing and congratulations on your family and way to. Way to just be a great mother and, and thank you for doing this and getting the message out there.

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. Produced by Aquarius Rising. Original music composed by Joe Fulgenetti.For more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster to forever.com that's from foster the number2forever.com and stay connected with us on Instagram at foster2forever podcast. That's foster the number two forever podcast. We'll see you next time.