From Heartbreak to Hope: Martha's Foster and Adoption Stories

We did get to the point because it is so heartbreaking that we said, you know what?

We were, I'm sorry, we can't do this anymore.

We just happened to be still on an email list that when our.

That an email came through and, you know, John and I were a little on the fence, but ultimately we asked our daughter, who was five at the time, and we said, what do you think?

And she said, well, do we, do we get to keep.

Makes me emotional.

Do we get to keep him forever?

And I said, I don't, I don't know.

And she just said, you know what, let's do it.

I can handle it.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast.

Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt.

I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenett.

I am so happy to welcome to the show an old friend who I haven't talked to in years now.

And it's so wonderful to see you.

Martha Sheppey.

Martha, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's nice to talk to you again.

I know.

Are you still in la?

Where.

Where are you today in the world?

I am.

I'm in.

In the same place where we met in Sherman Oaks.

We met at a indoor play place randomly with our children there.

I guess I only had the one.

Or did I have Dominic?

You did.

You had Dominic.

Actually that weekend we met, we had a foster child who was in the nicu and I had been going to the NICU a lot and so we went to that play place for the other kids to try to like, you know, spend some time with them and get them.

So that was so.

Yeah, so I remember it was.

That would have been the end of 2022.

Yeah, that sounds right.

Because then we moved to New York in summer of 23.

But anyway, we met, we started talking and then it turns out somehow you mentioned that you were fostering.

And then I was like, oh, that's really cool.

I am too.

And who's your agency?

Oh, it's extraordinary families.

Mine too.

Wow.

So that is like how we connected.

And then we.

We stayed connected.

You were sort of having a hard time at that time, as I recall.

And I had been with extraordinary families through the adoption of my daughter.

So I knew them pretty well.

And I had just become a. I was a.

Like a mentor or a mentor.

Right?

It was a mentor.

They had another name for it.

I can't remember what it was, but it was basically like mentoring other parents, which I thought was a great program that they didn't have when I had first started.

And so I was like, I want to sign up for that, to help people.

So then I just sort of volunteered myself, like, oh, I'm happy to be your mentor.

Take us, Take us through what that time was like.

So the child that you had then is not the child that you have now.

Correct.

Yep.

I think we were, yes, we were new to extraordinary families because we had a pretty heartbreaking experience before.

We'll call Leo, who, Who was in the NICU when I met you for about six months, but prior to that, and this is a good point to bring up how helpful it was to have a mentor, because we, prior to that, we were new to the fostering system.

The agency, you know, they're there to help, but they're not really.

They're still advocating for the child and the, and the biological parent.

So you're kind of like, a little bit lost in how the whole system works.

And we didn't really have any guidance, and there were twists and turns and just, like, policies that we were really thrown off by.

So our first experience was like, a deep dive into all of the, the challenges of foster parenting.

And, and we learned along the way.

Sorry.

When I had met you this, that was our second time, our third kiddo, but our second time fostering.

And so we were.

I think he, yeah, like I said, he was still in the nicu, so it was maybe a few days.

When I met you, it was meant to be.

Take us to.

How did you get there?

Why did you decide to foster at all?

I've always wanted a big family.

I am one of five, and that was just always my goal, to have the biggest family I could afford.

But I never really felt like I wasn't one of those people who needed to have my own child.

I never really, you know, I know there's a lot of people that have that urge of, like, I want this child to be my own.

You know, I, I, that was just not my experience at all.

So we have two biological children, but it was, it was a hard process getting pregnant.

So right away, we, we started looking into adoption and found our way through the foster route.

I feel like if you start to educate yourself on the foster system, there's no turning back.

Like, if you learn about all of the people, all the children out there that need help, it's almost impossible to say, nah, I'm just gonna not help.

Yeah.

So we found ourselves in one informational meeting, and then after that, we need.

We had to help.

You know, I, I Think that's true for many people.

I also think that some people would go to that meeting and then be like, oh, hell no.

This is not for me.

Fair.

That's true.

To say that, right?

It is, yes.

Absolutely fair.

I think some people are very intimidated by it and.

And get caught up in the what ifs of it, of.

Not necessarily all the positive things, but all of the.

It's tricky.

You're gonna, you know.

You know, all of the stereotypes that you hear.

I do.

I do think that trips people up a lot.

So I always try to tell people, even if you have, like, just a thought of maybe you'd like to do this, just go to the meeting.

Because you're right.

You'll either go one way, you'll say, yes, absolutely, sign up.

I'm ready to dive into this, or you're going to say, you know, it's.

It doesn't seem like something I want to do.

So I always encourage people just.

Just to learn more about it if they're remotely interested.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny because for my husband and I, like, we.

We went and we were kind of like, oh, hell no.

But we did it anyway.

So it's like, you know, we were.

We were just afraid, I think, after having.

Yeah.

Like, we had experienced, like, so much heartbreak through infertility and IVF and all this stuff that, like, we're kind of like, oh, God, like, to go through this all and then to possibly not be able to keep the child would just be devastating.

However, we did feel like there was just something about it that we were just like, this is something we need to do, and we had to get ourselves there emotionally in terms of, like, this isn't really about us anymore.

This is.

Yes, we want a child, but, like, this is really about this child's journey and helping this child, and it has to be about that.

And so if it works out and we're meant to be together forever, then we will be.

And if not, then we just did this thing that was, like, a really awesome thing.

That's, like, a necessary thing that so many children need.

So, yeah, I think it is scary.

It is scary.

It is scary, and it is heartbreaking.

I don't.

I.

You know, we went through that where we had to give up three kiddos, and it is like, you know, it's excruciating.

But you're right.

Like, after time passes, you realize you did help.

You know, there.

There's some.

You know, even if it's two days or if it's Six months or a year and a half or however long it is, you're still demonstrating some positivity and good.

Just a good experience for that child.

So whatever path they go through next, whatever their journey is, they will always have that, whether they remember it or not.

They'll right.

Have it in, you know, they're.

They're subconscious or, you know, they'll remember it in some way.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

So, yes, it is.

Yeah, it's.

It's difficult, but it just.

Yeah, one of those things.

You're right.

You have to do it for the child.

Our first aid teacher said something that just hit me.

She said, you know, the placement might not be permanent, but what you do is permanent for that child.

It is.

It's permanent.

And certainly even for you as a.

As a person, as a human being, that's permanent.

You know, we did get to the point because it is so heartbreaking that we said, you know what?

We were.

I'm sorry, we can't do this anymore.

We just happened to be still on an email list that.

When our.

That an email came through and, you know, John and I were a little on the fence, but ultimately we asked our daughter, who was five at the time, and we said, what do you think?

And she said, well, do we.

Do we get to keep.

It makes me emotional.

Do we get to keep him forever?

And I said, I don't.

I don't know.

And she just, she said, you know what?

Let's do it.

I can handle it.

And we're like, okay, yeah.

And, yeah, that's the reason we have him.

Because she said, let's do it.

That's so beautiful.

Yeah.

So I'll always.

I'll always remember that moment and always tell that story.

It's like she was the one that said, you know what?

Because she had heartbreak too, when the others left.

And of course she did.

Of course you did.

Yeah.

Tell me about the first placement.

And let's just kind of go through that because I think it's good for the listeners to get a sense of, like, how.

How this unfolds.

Yeah.

So we.

Our daughter was two at the time, and we were feeling like we wanted to keep growing our family.

We had a really tough time getting pregnant with her.

So this is the route we decided to take.

And we got a call about two kids.

They were at the time three and two siblings.

And we brought them, you know, that at the time we didn't.

You don't know much when you get the phone call.

It's like they were taken away Their.

They were just taken away from their mother from neglect.

You know, that's pretty much the only information you have.

So they came to us, and they were with us for a year and a half.

That was also during COVID It was just.

A lot of.

It was just hard because everybody was going through the effects of COVID and it was hard for everybody.

So, like, the visits with mom were difficult because it was on Zoom, but they were 2 and 3, so they're not really attentive to the zoom.

So we just had a lot of struggles with keeping the relationship with mom, and I think it was a lot of having to do with COVID And ultimately mom decided she had told them that they.

She doesn't want.

And this was after a year and a half.

So ultimately mom said she didn't want her kids with us, and that was actually the reason they were taken away.

So we got a phone call a year and a half later and said, mom doesn't want them with you anymore.

We're going to move them.

Oh, my God.

You know, so I had.

I had called the mom.

This is like getting in the weeds.

But they were African American, and so all the.

The hair shops are closed during COVID Yeah.

So I'm doing my best to do the little girl's hair.

I have my African American friends coming over, but they, you know, it's like, in the heart of COVID so they're even don't want to be around us.

But she just, like, honestly, ultimately it got down to me not being able to do her hair and her mom getting very upset about it.

So I tried to call mom and, you know, talk with her, but it was hard to reason with her.

That's heartbreaking.

Yeah.

Did they.

They ultimately get placed with someone else or did they go back to her?

Yeah, they got placed in another home that had, I think, six or seven foster children.

And then I. I was trying to track them.

They then went back to mom, and I don't.

I actually have lost track of them.

I don't know if they're still with mom or if they're in another.

In another home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you still feel.

It's just one of those things where you.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Really?

I can ask that later?

Yeah.

No, I think you were going to say, like, you still feel connected to them and.

Yes, we do.

We think about them all the time.

We share memories with our daughter about them.

I mean, every.

Like, honestly, at the grocery store, like, I always keep my eyes open.

I'm like, there is going to be a day where I see them and, you know, all they will look different, but I will know it's them.

And so you.

I, I do wish I just knew where they were and if they were safe.

But that's the other thing.

You just, you don't know.

You can only trust what, what you did for those 18 months you had them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's so.

And this is sort of a moot point because there's nothing that anyone can do to change it.

But I feel like I just have to bring up for these children after being with you for a year and a half, that's a long time in the life of anyone, especially a child, to be so bonded and to have that taken away.

I question that in terms of the wisdom of the system that would do that.

Like, it doesn't make sense to me.

They're happy, they're healthy, they're bonded.

How do you think about that now?

Yeah, I mean, at the time I said the same thing when the social worker came, you know, we said, how is this.

If the mission is to do what is right for the child, how can you look me in the eye and say that this is in the best interest of the child?

Because we were the only, you know, for the two year old.

He didn't remember anything before we had, you know, he was with us, so we were the only parents he knew.

And so it was really and still is really hard for us to wrap our minds around because you're right, it's.

I don't see, I still, I don't see how that was the best decision for the children.

And I do understand the complexities of the racial piece as well, but it's just at the end of the day, they were in a family that they were happy, they were thriving.

You know, the social worker would even say they doing so well.

So it's.

Yeah, it's really difficult because I think as a foster parent, you also don't really have a voice.

You know, they're, they're not always.

Because your intention is all.

Not always, but many people's intention is to keep the child forever.

Even though you go in saying only, we'll only have them as long as they need us.

You know, you fall in love in this in a minute.

So it's, it's a bond and it's hard to break.

It's much easier said than done.

Right?

Yeah.

Were you able to create a lifebook for them before they left so that they would have that to remember you by?

Honestly, no.

It was.

I think we had maybe a two hour heads up.

The only thing I could do was.

Yeah.

Write their favorite songs.

They like to sleep in, you know, things that were.

Would help the next foster parent of, like, here are their favorite songs.

Here's what they don't like to eat.

That was really the.

The best we could do in the time that we had two hours.

That's really what they gave you.

Yeah, it was a whirlwind and it was.

It was absolutely.

Yeah.

It was like a scene from a horror movie.

It was terrible for us.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

And.

And your children were too small.

Like, your biological children were too young to really.

Did.

Did it affect them then or.

Or not really, because they were so young.

She was three at the time and definitely sad.

But we did.

We took her to some therapy sessions just to make sure if there's anything that, like, were not singing.

And she went to a couple and finally the therapist said, you know, she is young enough that she's kind of, you know, bounces back faster than we do and won't necessarily have.

Yeah.

So, but, yeah, like I said, we still talk about them a lot and she.

She doesn't quite remember, but through videos and photos she does.

Yeah.

And how extraordinary then that she.

How much time had passed between the end of that placement and when you got your new placement?

So we had.

Let's see, that was in.

They left us in 2021 and then in 2022.

So it'd be.

It was about a year.

We had another call for.

For a baby who was in the nicu.

Yeah.

And then had him for six months, which is actually, I could go into that story.

But that story of giving him up is the opposite.

It was.

It was a very beautiful story that I didn't know at the time, but so that kind of restored our hope in the system.

So it had been.

It was a year from when we.

When we gave up those two kids to when we got a new placement.

Okay, and would you share that story?

Would you be willing to share that story?

Yeah, absolutely.

So we had gotten a call about a little baby who's in the NICU in Long beach whose mom had left the hospital.

He had.

He had just been born.

And because they didn't know who the dad was and the mom had left, they thought it was a.

You know, they were.

This was extraordinary families at the time.

Very cognizant of the fact that we really wanted to foster, to adopt.

So they thought that this would be, you know, it was looking good like, no family was around.

Nobody was coming for him.

So we agreed to take him.

And he was in the NICU for, I think it was about three or four weeks.

So it was in Long Beach.

So we were driving back and forth to the nicu.

He.

He finally got out.

It's very healthy.

This was in November, and then in February, they said that they found the father and his sister had come forward to take the baby.

So again, we're, you know, here we go again.

Yeah, I don't know anything about the sister.

I don't know.

You know, you just.

You just don't know.

And what you don't know worries you.

So one day in February, had to pack him up and drive him about an hour out of la, and I'll tell you, that drive to take him to drop him off to his new home.

When I didn't know what kind of home I was walking into, I didn't know who the parents were.

It was just so terrifying.

I cried the whole way.

And then I got there and they were just like the most loving family.

And she actually said, I didn't know because she said, she said.

She said something that.

That triggered the question of.

Or triggered in her mind.

She said, I didn't know that you were wanting to adopt him.

So, you know, in her mind, maybe she wouldn't have come forward if she knew he was in a loving home, but she did anyway.

And we are actually still.

Still connected to this day.

She sends photos, we go to birthday parties.

We went to his adoption ceremony a couple months ago.

And I just really feel in my heart that he is in the right place and we would obviously love to have him, but he's with his family and it's, you know, he gets to see his biological grandparents and, you know, his cousins are now his brothers and sisters.

So that just was.

Yeah, just really the opposite experience and a really beautiful one.

Wow, that's wonderful.

It's so great for you and for the child that you're.

That you've stayed connected, you know, I mean, having more community and family and people that have shared a piece of common history together, it's just so.

It's really important for his story that he knows you, and it's obviously much better for you guys to.

To know that he is safe and loved and cared for and.

Yeah, that's really cool.

I love that.

Yeah.

And it's really great that the.

His now mom and dad are, you know, willing to tell him that.

And they call us his first parents.

And he's just you know, he'll never remember because he was, you know, a week old, a week to six months old.

But, you know, he will know from photos that there was somebody who, you know, drove an hour and a half to Long beach every night to sit with him and wanted him, wanted what was best for him.

And so.

And yeah, and my kids now have relationship with them.

And our adopted son now has, you know, somebody who can come relate to his story, which I think is also really important.

It's huge.

It's huge.

So tell us about.

So how did you.

How much time after that went by before you got connected with your son?

That was in February.

And then, like I said, we said, no, we can.

There's absolutely no way we can go through this heartbreak again.

We're right.

We're done.

And so we had contacted Extraordinary Families saying we're not going to renew any of our requirements.

Thank you.

But we just feel like we need to move on.

Yeah.

And so we didn't.

We didn't really keep up with our certifications.

But then in April there, we just happened to be on.

You're probably still on them.

But the email, that blast that goes out and says, there's a child that needs a family.

So we got the email on early in April and we're like, you know, there's just something.

I was like, should we do this?

And so John and I had texted Extraordinary Families saying, we know we're not certified and we're off the list.

Is it still possible for us to take him?

And she said, absolutely, we can make it happen because it's considered emergency.

We can get all the.

Everything in order and it can happen.

So we said, okay, we'll let you know tonight.

And when our daughter got home from school, that's when we had the conversation with her about it.

And then that night we called and said, we'll take him.

And so I went to the hospital that night, and he was in the NICU for like four or five days.

And then we brought him home and that was April 2023, and we adopted him in July of 2024.

Nice.

Okay.

So that was a lot quicker of a process, too.

Yes, a very quick process.

And it was.

It was a similar story to our Leo, whose mother had left him and they didn't know who the dad was, and.

But it was.

They couldn't contact any family after months and months and.

Yeah.

And so did you find it was any easier being in that unknowing or was it still just as hard as it was the first two times, just being in that limbo before you adopted him.

It was easier because at that point, you're like, well, what's gonna happen is gonna happen.

I cannot control this.

We'll just give our best for as long as we have him and see what happens.

You know, had it ended where we would have to give him up, I probably wouldn't be saying that right now.

It would be a different memory, but.

Right.

Yeah.

But you do.

You just kind of have to let go.

Yeah.

And it's much easier said than done.

Yeah.

It's a part of the puzzle that doesn't get talked about a lot is just the extraordinary strength that foster parents have to have to be able to do this.

I mean, it's almost like we're just expected to be.

And I'm not trying to get down on the system or anything like that.

I think it's.

It's complex, and there's a lot of different sides and angles.

But the expectation that the foster parents are kind of like just these.

Not like human beings, but we're just like these placeholders or whatever is.

It's just so difficult because it's that, as you said, like, you bond immediately with these children.

Like, how can you not.

You're there, you're taking care of them.

You're.

You're experiencing everything that any parent would experience, and it's really challenging.

And I don't even know.

I don't know how that could be fixed.

I don't know what the answer is, but it's just something that I feel like I need to acknowledge.

Absolutely.

I don't know the solution for it either, but I agree with you.

It just feels like there's.

You know, as a foster parent, you almost don't have any rights or say in your.

Responsible for this human being, but you don't have any say in how it's done.

Right.

And so it is very challenging because you love them like they're your own, but you can't necessarily make the decisions as if they are your own.

Right.

So it's.

It.

It's.

Yes, it's very tricky.

And again, I don't.

I. I wish I had a solution as well, because I'm.

I will not raise my hand and say I'm the biggest fan of the system because I think it is broken.

But again, I don't.

If I had a solution, I would.

I would stand up and scream it, but I don't, because it is complex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How old are all your children now?

Our oldest is nine.

And then our middle child, biological child, is three and our adopted son is two.

And how do they all get along?

The little boys?

The two and three year old fight all the time.

But, huh.

But they, the old, our oldest, our oldest daughter is like the best big sister.

She's extremely maternal.

She's always looking out for them.

She's, she's such a big help.

And you know, it's even weird for me when I'm listening to myself right now saying adopted child because I don't think about it often that, you know, I just say I, we have three kids, but I don't on a day to day basis acknowledge that he is adopted.

So just going back to the fact that he's your child, like to me it, the biological aspect of it is not different for our daughter than it is for our adopted son.

Which is, is really cool, you know, And I don't know, it'd be interesting to hear what you think, but at some point we're gonna have to explain that to him.

And he looks different than the rest of us.

He's brown hair, brown eyes and short, and we're all really tall.

So at some point just him acknowledging that and we don't hide it from him now, but you know, he's too, so he doesn't really understand.

But that's just another layer of, of that that we have to think about.

Even after when it's said and done and you've adopted, then you, there's more steps that you take beyond that.

Absolutely.

Do you celebrate the adoption day?

We were going to.

And then I have a friend who's also fostered to adopt two children and her take, which is why I paused, it gave me some pause.

And her take was that you're really celebrating a loss for the child because they've lost their, their biological family.

And so we just, we just kind of thought about it and ultimately did not celebrate it.

But I'm a little torn on that.

I did in my heart was like, yes, let's celebrate.

But I also understand the flip side.

Yeah, it's interesting that you say that because I had a similar journey with it as well.

Like at the beginning with Izzy, we did celebrate it.

In fact, even calling it Gotcha Day that first time.

And then I just realized I educated myself a little and I was like, gotcha Day is not the greatest terminology.

It's just, it's as if you purchase something from Amazon.

Like it's not, I think it's outdated.

I don't think it's, you know, to each his own.

You can do what you want.

But yeah, we eliminated that shortly after the first one.

And then I just, yeah, I started just feeling similar to you.

I just kind of like it is a loss for them, it's a gain for us.

That was a really happy day for.

And it was a happy day for our family.

Absolutely no question about that.

But yeah, to sort of make it a thing.

I don't feel that's necessary.

I do think it can help just in terms of the.

Especially when you bring home a baby, when they're a baby, when they start living with you, it can help in terms of just the normalizing that you were adopted kind of a situation.

So we have pictures from adoption day and Dominic has one on his wall, you know, and it's like, oh, yeah, that was your adoption day.

You know, like, so that we're just sort of normalizing that and I think it can be helpful from that point of view.

We also have a lot of books that kind of center around adoption.

But yeah, I think it, it is important that they know and that that's just normalized from an early age, you know.

Yeah.

And I think having friends who have had that experience is very helpful as well, you know, to surround yourself, you know, when you were in la, you know, having play dates with people who, you know, to normalize it of, like this happens and it's.

Yeah, I think that's one of the most important things to.

So they can understand when they get older that they, you know, that they don't feel so isolated and feel so different.

Yes.

There's so many other kids in that situation.

Agree.

Yeah, absolutely.

One of our good friends here in New York has an adopted son.

They're besties, like, anyway, which is just great.

But I think as they get older, that's going to be really valuable for both of them to be able to process that.

Talk to me about raising three children just in general and what your day to day life is like.

Are you working?

What?

I can't remember what you.

Are you a lawyer?

I don't remember what that was in my head that you were a lawyer.

Are you a lawyer?

No, I'm a. I'm a producer.

A producer.

Okay.

So like, do you have to be on set and like, how do you juggle it?

Good question.

Not well.

Yeah, so I do work full time.

John works from home, so he has a little bit more flexibility.

But it is chaotic.

It's very chaotic.

And you know, they're little.

The little ones are two and three, so we're at a point now where unfortunately, you know, something's got to give.

So the sacrifice for us is honestly our not.

I don't want to say we're sacrificing our marriage, but it's our relationship.

It's like worships in the night of like.

Yeah, you know, we're, we're assigned to one of the children and there's not a lot of time for each other.

Yeah.

You know, because we, you know, we had to do our work and then like to work out and so keep ourselves healthy.

And then at the end of the day it's like, oh God, I'm so tired, I'm going to go to bed.

And we're, we're not going to have a adult conversation.

So candidly that's just like it.

But we both understand that it really sucks right now, but it, it won't always be that way.

It's just the unfortunate how it goes right now.

So.

Yes, to answer your question, it's super chaotic, but it's, it just takes a team of, you know, both parents just diving in and doing what we need to do for the family.

Yep.

Do you have help?

Like do you have a nanny or, you know, do you have family around or anything like that?

We do have a, our 18 year old niece lives with us and so she, you know, she's 18, so she's doing her own thing, but she does, you know, she can help out here and there.

And we do have family sort of close by in San Diego, so they're not far but they're, you know, they're not a phone, not like a five minute drive away.

So we don't have a ton of help but we also just really, really like being with our kids, you know, so when we have an opportunity to, you know, we're just, we're both a little bit at home bodies, we like to be with our kids.

So I don't feel like I'm like missing out on, you know, other experiences because I'm really happy to be at home hanging with them.

Nice.

That's great.

It's a great feeling, isn't it?

Like, yeah.

Especially because you wanted like a big family and now it sounds like you've kind of got that with your, your nieces living with you and you got three kids and that's really cool.

Yeah.

I always tell people, they always ask like, are you going to have, you know you're going to have more?

And I'm like, I don't think I can afford more or have like A space to put them.

You know, we.

Right.

Like we live in a huge house in the Midwest and it's.

Right.

I would always say yes if I had the resources, but I think we're.

I think we're tapped out now.

Do you ever think about.

Not now, but when your kids are older, do you think about just fostering again?

Like, I have thought about that and I think there's probably two instances where we would think about it again, and one is when the kids are older and, you know, there's not so much, you know, I would like to foster an older child.

I think that would be really cool to try to guide them through that.

But when you have little ones, it's.

You have to be.

Just have to be careful because the older foster children, you know, they come with a significant amount of trauma and it's.

You really gotta go all in on that.

And so I don't think we have enough time really to dedicate to an older child right now, but I would like to do that when they're older.

And the second instance, obviously, is if our youngest, Louie, if his mom had another child, we would.

We would just really have to consider taking his sibling.

And he had.

He does have two older siblings that have been since adopted.

And I've tried.

Tried to get in touch with their parents, but I. I haven't heard back.

I just think it'd be really nice for him to know his siblings as he grows up.

But I think they wanted.

Wanted to keep that separate, so.

But anyway, yeah, that would be the other instance.

If he had a sibling, I would really have to consider.

Can I share some rooms and find a way to get him or her into our house?

Yeah, I always said the same thing.

I said, you know, if.

If that were to happen for one of our children, we would.

We would do that.

Like, we would just have to.

We would have to figure it out and we would do it.

How has this.

Your two are not related.

Blood related?

No.

And in fact, Dominic was a safe surrender.

So we have no information at all about his biological family, which is unfortunate.

It's going to be.

You know, it's hard for him.

It's.

As he gets older, not only medically is it important to have, like, history, but just on an emotional level of like, knowing who your biological parents were.

That's gonna be difficult for him.

We would support him trying to find that out when and if he wants to do that at some point, you know.

Yeah.

And it may get easier as he gets older.

It may get easier to with all the technology, just gets easier to find.

Find people.

It's true.

Yeah.

How would you say that this has changed you?

Obviously it's changed your life.

It's changed the makeup of your family.

Who were you before these experiences and who are you now?

How.

How has it changed you?

You know what I think?

I think that I have a better understanding of sort of the world's problem.

Like, I do feel like there's so many issues in our world that stem from a child not having been properly nurtured or loved.

So I really have a better understanding of that, of, of mental illness and homelessness and just all of all of the things that I just feel like if we just take care of kids when they're little, so much of it can get solved.

You know, one of the most staggering statistics for me is that kids who age out of the foster system, it's something like 80% of them become homeless or something.

You know, that's like, we have to catch those kids before it's too late almost.

And so I just think that it's changed me in the way of realizing that it's not necessarily like, oh, yeah, let's help a kid out, but you're really.

It's just such a global mission of like, let's help our children.

Yeah.

I don't know if that really answered your question, but that, that's been just one eye opening thing for me.

And as far as just changing who you know, I don't know that it has changed me.

Honestly, I think that I. I've kind of always just been somebody who feels like foraging for family is really admirable, and I still feel that way.

I think that, you know, you can find your family anywhere.

That's beautiful.

I love that.

What advice would you have to someone who's thinking about it?

I think anybody who's thinking about it should at least just take the first step and go to a meeting or an orientation where you're just learning more or, you know, I mean, I think just listening to your podcast is really helpful.

Or just finding somebody who has done it and doing the research.

I think just taking the first step, because if you are interested in it, you will.

You will know from that meeting if you want to continue on or not.

But if you don't ever take that step, you.

You won't ever know.

And it's a long process too.

You know, being certified, you know, you could be on top of it, which I feel like we were really on top of it.

You, you know, it could take I don't know if a year.

I can't remember how long it took us.

I think it maybe took us nine months at first to get through everything.

You could at least start the process and if it takes you a year or two years to even get certified and then get the first call, if somebody who you want to bring into your home.

It's not like if you get certified and go to the meetings and sign up, you're on the hook to take a child.

You can always get the phone call and say, no, we couldn't because I just like, I don't have it in me.

But.

But you can, you know, you always have that choice.

So I just think if people are interested, they should at least go through the process.

Great advice.

It's so good to connect with you.

I want us to stay in touch.

Anytime you're in New York, you have to come.

Come and visit.

I would love to.

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast.

Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt.

Produced by Aquarius Rising.

Original music composed by Joe Fulginetti.

For more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster to forever.com.

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