Single Mom by Choice While Fostering - Life update with Maryanne Grant

Maryanne00:00:00

Not a do over, that's not the right term. But like this really healing process of I can have this child that I'm choosing to have and he or she is mine from the get go.I get to make all the decisions. There's never a threat that someone's going to take this child or that I get too attached and they're gonna leave or you know, whatnot.So it was really just like so healing.

Rachel00:00:34

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti.

Rachel00:00:54

It is my great pleasure to welcome back to the show Marianne Grant. Marianne was on season two and we had a great conversation then, which I'll link to in the show notes.And now we're going to get like an update and talk about what, what's happening now. Maryanne, welcome. Hello.

Maryanne00:01:13

I feel like there's been a lot of changes.

Rachel00:01:16

Yes, there has. What? Tell us. Do tell Marianne.

Maryanne00:01:20

Okay. So we talked in October, October of 2024. Man, I'm trying to think.

Rachel00:01:26

So let me tell you where I think you were and then you tell me, like what has changed? So you had your little ones too. Right.But you had been in a very long roller coastery deal with trying to get permanency for them and trying to adopt them.

Maryanne00:01:45

Yeah.

Rachel00:01:45

And that was kind of where you were at. And it was, you know, it wasn't a done deal, but it looked like it was heading that way.

Rachel00:01:52

But.

Rachel00:01:53

Yeah, so take us back to that. And then from there, I think it.

Maryanne00:01:56

Was very freshly headed that way because my kiddos, I have two siblings right now. They are three and a half and two and a half.So when we had talked, I think my youngest had just recently turned 1 and my oldest was a little over, little over 2, 13 months apart. So which is crazy because in that time period a lot has happened, but also not a lot has happened. We still have not been to adoption.So we are still waiting. We're going to be waiting for a bit. So in October of 2024, my kiddos actually had their very last visit with their bio parents.And that was not something that like I knew at the time, but looking back, I obviously know now that the last time that they've seen them in person was October 30, 2024. And I remember because it was the day before Halloween.We have not seen them since, which I think is for the best, honestly, because it was just so in control, consistent and you know, it, honestly, they don't really have a lot of questions about them. I. They don't have any questions about them, honestly, because I don't think they have a frame of reference that they can verbalize.I'm sure their bodies, their brains know 100%, but they don't have the language to. To ask those questions. And I'm very careful with how we talk about it because again, they're so young and it's so.It's so fuzzy on what to share and what not to share. And, yeah, you know, we. I didn't want to talk about them a ton if they weren't going to be around. Right.And, you know, I didn't want to confuse them and introduce this level of complexity and, like, it's not a secret at all, right, that I. That, you know, because we talk about adoption, we talk about the fact that, you know, they didn't grow in my belly. Spoiler alert.I had a baby in that time, so I was pregnant. So, you know, they were kind of like, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean I didn't grow in your belly?And also, what do you mean things grow in your belly? So in general, like, that's confusing. So. Yeah, so In October of 2024, last time we talked, we were still very much so in this.Like, we were supposed to be having visits. We were supposed to be having weekly visits, but they just weren't showing up.So then they were canceled, and then they were on hold, and then they surface, and then they would have one, and then they would go away.And it was, like, really, really hard because the kids were having a really hard time with it, especially my oldest, you know, like, I think that last visit we had in October, it was crazy because he's such a chatterbox and he's so animated. And I picked him up from that visit, and he did not say a word to me. Didn't say anything to me the whole drive home. Got him in the house.You want him? He said, up. You know, he wanted me to pick him up.I picked him up, and he, you know, snuggled into me and bit my shoulder, and I was like, whoa, whoa. You know, but that was his way of being like, what the heck was that? And I'm feeling a certain way about it, and I don't understand it.And, you know, my youngest kind of always was unfazed by it because she just was. She was. She was pretty young at the time. So, you know, she. And she's always kind of been more. Even keeled and had less big reactions to things.So but my oldest really struggled with that, and. And I struggled with it. Visits were so hard because I was always like, are they gonna show? Are they not gonna show?Prepare myself for them to show, and then they don't show. Prepare myself for them not to show, and then they pop up and it was like. It was not. I hated that process so much, and I hated that.I hated that process, you know? Right. Because I hated that I was. Would think all week, are they gonna show? Are they not gonna show what's gonna happen? You know? And I felt.I felt a certain way in my body every time. I felt so on edge. I felt sick. I felt tingly. My hands would get tingly. It was just like a very.Like, I had a traumatic response to it because it was so hard to hand over these babies to these people that are their parents biologically, but know nothing about them.

Rachel00:06:30

Yeah.

Maryanne00:06:31

And then didn't have to deal with the repercussions afterwards.

Rachel00:06:36

Were they unsupervised visits or were they.

Maryanne00:06:38

Were supervised at the department? Yeah, but it was just. It was just hard. It was so hard. And it felt so. So yucky.And I hated that it felt yucky because I felt like I wasn't being a good foster parent. Yeah. So going back to that headspace right now, even just thinking about it makes me feel sick because was just such a hard time.So after that, they were officially canceled going forward. So most of 2025 was pretty, like, I want to say, smooth sailing. I mean, we were just going through the motions every month. Right.With court and home visits. We had monthly visits and monthly court because of ICWA and being an ICWA case.

Rachel00:07:19

Yeah.

Maryanne00:07:20

So they had much more due diligence on the department side because of that. But, you know, nothing was happening. And, you know, we were just giving them time, honestly.And a lot of that was from the G being like, we just have to give them time, and we have to give them extra time, and we have to, you know, work harder because it is an ICWA case and do you know, so.

Rachel00:07:44

So it was. They were found to truly be icwa. I mean, that was like a. Okay. Because my.I remember my daughter started out with that, but it was found to not be actually true. But that was true.

Maryanne00:07:57

It was. The tribe was involved.The tribe is still involved, but they never took jurisdiction, which is something that they can do in an Indian Child Welfare Act. The tribe can take jurisdiction or they can just be a party to the case. And so, you know, and voice their. And voice their. Their desires for the Kids.And I will say, like, Indian Child Welfare act is a federal act, so our county judge was never going to go against that. So they had to have explicit approval from the tribe that everything that they were doing was okay before anything would change legally.So most of 2025 was us just going through the motions. And, you know, it was. It was hard, but it also. It also was not.I hate the word threatening, but it wasn't threatening because it was just kind of like nothing was changing. Each month, there was a brief blip in, like, June, July, where they were like, oh, parents have resurfaced. And they voiced that they'd like a visit.And it was like, it's been like eight months since they've seen their kids. I'm like, if we're gonna do this visit, like, is it going to be therapeutic? Is it going to be. How are we gonna handle this?Because I'm sorry, but they don't know who these people are. And we don't talk about them regularly because, again, they weren't involved. Like, I get it.If you're seeing them every week, we're gonna talk about it, but it was never consistent. It was never happening regularly where I was going to be like, hey, this is your mom. This is your dad. Like, you know, we. If that they were so little.If they were, like, preteens, teenagers, eight. I don't know. Right.It would be easier to have that conversation and be like, hey, you know, they come around sometimes, but I'm sorry, but try to explain sometimes to a toddler, okay. Like, they don't understand that, um, they don't really understand some of the. Some of the other things that you try to tell them.So they're not going to understand that this person sometimes comes around and they sometimes don't. And also, like, they're your parents. So, yeah, so that was really hard.And also in the interim, so I ended up deciding to have my own baby using a donor. And so I became pregnant in November of 2024. So most of this time, I was pregnant.And so in, like, June, July, when they were talking about starting visits again, I was like, I'm about to have a baby. I was due August 1st. So I was like, am I going to be taking these kids to visits on my maternity leave? So it was just. It was a wild ride.But we eventually, you know, we got through that. We were.

Rachel00:10:43

Did you have the visit okay?

Maryanne00:10:47

It never happened.

Rachel00:10:47

Okay.

Maryanne00:10:48

Yeah, it kind of was something that was brought up and then never panned out, I guess, you know, they never got responses. It never. It never.Because what they had to do was they actually had to have a meeting with the caseworker before we were ever going to go down that road. Right. And if you're not going to show up to the caseworker meetings, then we're not going to start something that you're not going to show up to.Because, like, I was very adamant that I am not bringing these kids to the department weekly waiting to see if people show up. Right. Like, we're just not doing that. So. And. And the team was fully supportive of that.

Rachel00:11:23

Which I was gonna ask, do you think that had you not had that position, would they have just dragged you through that whole thing again?

Maryanne00:11:32

I don't think so, because I think that the team understood that it was hard enough, you know, the prior year when we were doing them, but now, like, they haven't been around, and they hadn't done anything to get to a better position. Like, nothing had happened. Nothing had changed in that time period. Right. Yeah. And I will say we did. We did make it to tpr. We did make it.That happened in December. And I will.

Rachel00:11:59

December of this past year.

Maryanne00:12:01

December 2025.

Rachel00:12:02

Wow.

Maryanne00:12:03

Yeah.

Rachel00:12:03

Okay.

Maryanne00:12:05

December of 2025. And that hearing lasted less than an hour. That's how cut and dry it was. Because there was nothing done. Right.

Rachel00:12:16

And would you say, was it the equa piece that made it take so long to get to that? Okay.

Maryanne00:12:24

Yes. That and how poorly it was handled for, like, the first year of the case. Because it was just not handled.I was like, honestly, it just was not handled. Nothing happened. Yeah. So until younger sister came along, things actually started happening, but it still. It took so long.Like, I mean, they're probably going to be three and four by the time they get adopted.

Rachel00:12:51

Yeah. That's a really long.

Maryanne00:12:52

You know, they've been in foster care their whole life.

Rachel00:12:54

Yeah.

Maryanne00:12:54

So, yeah. Yeah. So that happened in December. And then, you know, in Colorado, there's an appeal process that seems to just happen automatically. Like.Yeah, so it was. It was automatically appealed. So I'm not super worried about the appeal process because the case was so cut and dry. Yeah.And they had so much time, and the reason we took so much time was to make sure that it couldn't get overturned on an appeal that, you know.

Rachel00:13:27

Right.

Maryanne00:13:27

The department did their due diligence, their active efforts. Yep. So. But the problem is that that appeal process can take up to a year because there are so many appeals done.And I think it's because they just Appeal everything.

Rachel00:13:43

You know, that's what I wanted to ask. Who is appealing it? Is it. The, the, the appointed attorneys are just automatically appealing it? Insane. When their clients haven't, like, yeah.

Maryanne00:13:55

And I asked, I was like, why, why are they appealing it? And the way it was explained, explained to me was the attorney has to go off the last thing that their client said.And if their client said as little as I want my kid back, they're appealing.

Rachel00:14:10

Wow.

Maryanne00:14:10

So, so they're appealing. I mean, it doesn't take any. As far as I know, it does not take any effort on the bio parents part. Like, I don't think they're signing anything.I don't think they're explicitly involved in the process. I don't think they have to show up. I don't think they have to submit anything. Right. It just happens.

Rachel00:14:32

It's just an automatic.

Maryanne00:14:33

What a waste. And there's one small group of attorneys that handle appeals in the state and they just stack up, stack up, stack up. And we wait.So it could be, it could be up to a year before we, before. And we're just in a pile somewhere, you know, like, of them looking at it. So.And I will say, like, this appeal process timeline is very like, okay, like we, it's, it's not stressful in a way because, you know, there's no threat. There's no threat of anything really changing because, you know, the parents rights are terminated. You know, so there's no scheduling visits.There's no going to the parents for signing off on a school, you know, requirement or a medical requirement. It's all going through the team and the guardian ad litem.So at least it's very streamlined because a lot of our headache last year was trying to get paperwork signed because they couldn't get a hold of them or they wouldn't sign or they were mia or that phone number was disconnected.And, you know, we were trying to get my oldest into preschool and we were trying to get services set up for different things, and we couldn't do it in a timely manner because we couldn't find them. So now it just goes through the guardian ad litem to sign those things, which makes it a lot easier to get things.

Rachel00:16:04

Okay. Yeah. It's interesting, in la, when we were fostering our children, they gave us the educational rights right away.And, and I don't know if that's just a California thing or what, but I really understood. I didn't understand it at first, but I came to understand why that's so important because of exactly what you're talking about.The child needs services. They need an iep, whatever it is. If you don't have those rights, that is, the child is going to not get what they need. Yeah.

Maryanne00:16:35

And that was really hard getting preschool set up, because we were waiting, I think, over a month to get things moving, and the school was getting really frustrated. They're like, what do you mean? And actually, at one point, our. Our services coordinator was like, the G needs to file for decision making.And we finally did that, but they did it for one of the kids, not the other. So I'm like, okay. That was like, why wouldn't you just do it at the same time? Yeah. Yeah. So that was. That was frustrating. But, like, we are.We're at the point now where, like, I feel like I can breathe. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not going to feel 100% safe.Safe or comfy until we literally sign or get through that adoption hearing. But, like, I've been identified as the adoptive home.

Rachel00:17:22

Okay.

Maryanne00:17:23

I've been assigned an adoption worker. The tribe has actually agreed that I'm, you know, the.The kids are okay to stay with me because for the longest time, I was like everybody's last pick because I was not native. So, you know, they're okay with it at this point. There's no family that has been willing to step up.Actually, in that time period going back, there was a brief moment in early 2025 where there was a cousin, a distant cousin, like a second cousin or something on the dad's side that was interested in taking them after we had just gotten through the bio, grandparents on the mom's side wanting to do an ICPC and then backing out.So it started up again early 2025, and my pregnant hormones were having a hard time with that, but they ended up understanding that that would not be a good move for the kids, as they had no recollection of who these people are, you know, that they have an established life that, you know, they. That that would just be in poor judgment to move two children with strong attachments.

Rachel00:18:41

Yeah.

Maryanne00:18:41

A strong foundation, a strong community somewhere they've never been before.

Rachel00:18:47

Yeah.

Maryanne00:18:47

In the name of blood.

Rachel00:18:49

Yeah.

Maryanne00:18:50

And I. I don't know, maybe that's a bad foster parent take, but I don't always think that that's the best option.

Rachel00:18:57

I agree. I mean, I think it should be what is best for the children. That at the end of the day, it's like, what is best.And to do that would be Another whole trauma for them, ripping them from this strong attachment that they have. I just. I'm so glad that they saw it that way.

Maryanne00:19:15

And I, you know, and I said, like, they're more than welcome to be involved in their life. I'm not keeping anyone out of their life. That is. Right. And loving connection. But I've never heard from them, so. Right. It's like, well, if you.If you wanted to know them, you wouldn't know them, you know?

Rachel00:19:34

Yeah.

Maryanne00:19:35

So I don't know.

Rachel00:19:36

Sad. Yeah.

Maryanne00:19:37

Yeah.

Rachel00:19:37

Sad.

Maryanne00:19:38

Yeah.And we have a really great relationship with their biograndparents on their mom's side and their biological brother on their dad's side that is much older. He's in his 20s, so they've never met him in person, though, which, you know, the door's open, so. So, you know, and we're.It's a little hard for me to travel with three little kids, three and under, so if they want to meet them, I would love them to come here.

Rachel00:20:01

Yeah. Yeah.

Maryanne00:20:02

Because they do not live in state, so. Right, right.

Rachel00:20:06

Talk to me about the decision to become pregnant.

Maryanne00:20:12

Yeah.So I guess, I mean, all along, even before fostering, I knew it was really important to me to be a mom, and I knew that I would get there someday somehow, you know, I think. I don't know.I feel like we all know those women in our lives that may not have ever settled down, had a family, gotten married, and everyone's always says, you know, oh, they always would have been such a great mom, or they always wanted kids but just never happened for them. And I was like, I, that's sad. Like, that's not going to be me.I'm not going to be that person in their, like, 50s, 60s, being like, I wish I would have had kids, but I just never met anybody. I just never, like, I don't need to meet anybody. There's like this whole online database where you can, like, make it happen with your credit card.Yeah. You know, so it was always in the back of my mind that there was another way.

Rachel00:21:02

Yeah.

Maryanne00:21:03

And I actually didn't learn until like, a few years ago of the term single mom by choice. And there's like, Facebook groups about it and everything. And I don't love the term because, like, I didn't choose to be a single mom. Right.Like, that was not plan A, but it is an option. So I, you know, I had these two kids that it was looking like I was going to adopt. And I also, like, you know, even if I don't Adopt them.I still want to have a baby. And even if I do adopt them, I still want to have a baby. I still want to have that experience. And, you know, just.It honestly felt kind of like not a do over. That's not the right term, but. But like this really healing process of I can have this child that I'm choosing to have and it.And he or she is mine from the get go. I get to make all the decisions.There's never a threat that someone's going to take this child or that I get too attached and they're going to leave or, you know, whatnot. So it was really just like, so healing, you know, to. To experience it. I will say, like, I, you know, I tried multiple times.I did IUI through a fertility clinic using donor sperm. I tried three times. Third time was finally the charm. So November 2024, I got my first positive pregnancy test, which was so exciting.And then for like the next, like, month or two after, I was like, what did I do? Holy crap, what did I just do? You know, it's happening. I joke that I think I had, like, my postpartum depression, like, first trimester.I was just like, what did I do? If you ask any of my friends, they're like, marianne, you wanted this. And I was like, I don't think I did. You know, hormones are no joke. So that was.

Rachel00:22:59

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking, only not to be, you know, nosy, but just for the listeners. Yeah.

Maryanne00:23:05

Yes, I'm 33. I'll be 34 in May, so very shortly. So I just, you know, I always had it in my mind, like, I don't want to wait until it's difficult.You know, I don't want to wait until I need to do IVF or, you know, have it be much more intensive. I don't want to have a pregnancy that's difficult.And, you know, I was like, I'm already adopting two kids, most likely, so, like, I want them to be close in age. You know, it's already difficult to date with two toddlers through foster care. Like, might as well just, like, go ahead and do this thing.And, you know, it's funny, I had two IUI attempts in February and March of 2024 that did not work. And then I took off, like, six or seven months of trying because I was dating two different people.And I was like, well, let's see what happens, you know, and as soon as that last one ended, I was so fed up because I dated two different Guys, one who was single and young and wanting a family. So he said, and then one who was divorced and a single dad and still wanted a relationship, you know, knew was well, well involved with children.And I was like, if neither one of these can work and neither one of these men know what they really want or say what they want, but don't really want it or don't really know what they want, then, like, I'm done. Because I know what I want and I don't need either of you to make it happen.So I, as soon as that ended, I was like, all right, put me on the schedule for next month. You know, I'm ready to go. And so, you know, I had that two week wait after the IUI and I took the pregnancy test on day 14 and it was negative.And I was so bummed because I was like, okay, well, if this doesn't work, this is the third try. I'm not spending any more money on this. I'm going to move ivf. And I made a consultation for that January with a clinic to do ivf.And, you know, then I was waiting, waiting, waiting, and I still, you know, never got my period. And then I finally went and took a test again on Black Friday, and it was positive. And I was like, oh, my God.Because I was totally like, it didn't work. It didn't work.

Rachel00:25:15

Yeah, you know, it just didn't. There wasn't enough hormone.

Maryanne00:25:19

I guess not.

Rachel00:25:20

Yeah.

Maryanne00:25:21

So that was shocking. That was. That was wild. So it was both a surprise and not a surprise prize. So that was kind of funny. But yeah. So. So he's here.He was born in August of 2025. His name is Ellis. He's. He's seven months now. He is just like, everyone's like, you deserved this baby. Because he's just the happiest little guy.He is so easy and so perfect and just like everything good in the world. And he just is so healing. Like, he's just been like, this balm to, like, my heart for the last few years.And I can't imagine, like, that I ever thought, like, what if I do this and what if I don't? You know what I mean? Like, I just, like, this is the guy. This is the. This is the boy I was waiting for, and he's here. So sometimes I look at him.Even just last night I looked at him and I'm like, how are you here? How are you real? Did I really do all of that? Because, you know, there were so many very conscious decisions to get to that point.

Rachel00:26:25

Yeah.

Maryanne00:26:26

And he's here, and he's just. He's everything, so.

Rachel00:26:30

He is so cute, by the way. You listeners need to go to my Facebook page or to the Instagram. I'll post more pictures. Oh, my God. Is he cute? Like, he's just insane.

Maryanne00:26:42

He's so. He's such a big guy. He's so funny. He was 9 pounds, 8 ounces at birth.

Rachel00:26:47

Wow.

Maryanne00:26:48

Which was just a wild experience. Giving birth is just insane. But I still think my labors for my older two are even longer because we're not even at, like, birth will be adoption.And so this is just like, the longest labors of my life. With them the most.

Rachel00:27:04

You're incredible. You are incredibly brave. Just to be doing this all on your own is, like, first of all, to be fostering all on your own is no small task.And then to do that, wow, what a cool, awesome thing.

Maryanne00:27:21

Sometimes I'm just like, you really did that? And I'm like, that's crazy.

Rachel00:27:25

Yeah. Yeah.

Maryanne00:27:27

And he's here, and it's like, a whole thing, and I don't know. I just. I can't. I can't imagine not having done it. He's just. He's so perfect. And how did. Yeah, go ahead.

Rachel00:27:38

I was just wanting to ask how the other children have responded to him and what.

Maryanne00:27:42

That's like.

Rachel00:27:43

They.

Maryanne00:27:43

I mean, they love him. He's forever baby Ellis. Like, because that's what we called him, you know, when I was pregnant, and, you know, they always wanted to touch my belly.And it's so funny now because my oldest, like, anytime, like, anything is medical. Like, my friend was getting surgery, or we saw an ambulance on the road. He's like, oh, are they gonna have a baby? Like, just.That's his frame of reference. Right. For everything medical is that you're having a baby. So it was just so cute. They. They really do love him.And now that he's, like, sitting up and, like, much more, like, interactive with them, it's really cute because they just. They're so sweet. My oldest is like, sweet pea. Oh, what's going on, baby? How was your day, baby?

Rachel00:28:24

Oh, my God.

Maryanne00:28:25

That's so cute. Yes. And sometimes I'm like, I'm doing something with another one or, like, brushing teeth or getting ready for bed, and.And Ellis will be crying or fussing, and I'm like, can one of you just go talk to him? And. And they will. And he'll be so smiley, and they'll bring him a toy, and it's it's so sweet. So they really do love him.

Rachel00:28:43

Yeah. So they. The other two are in daycare or.

Maryanne00:28:47

Yes, my. My daughter is in daycare five days a week, and then my. My oldest son, he does preschool four days a week, and then daycare on Fridays.

Rachel00:28:56

Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's good. So you have some help, because that's a lot.

Maryanne00:29:00

Yeah.And so they were, you know, in school while I was on maternity leave, and then I went back to work after my maternity leave ended, which was about three months, and I got laid off two weeks later.So my maternity leave ended up being unemployment and maternity leave, and I actually got to stay home with Ellis for about six months, which was such a blessing. So. Thanks for laying me off, but, yeah. Yeah, it worked out. It did work out. It did work out.

Rachel00:29:29

Wow, wow, wow, wow. How did the county respond to you? Like, I. Like, when did you tell them?Did you tell them ahead of time or did you tell them when you're showing, like.

Maryanne00:29:41

Yeah, my cert worker, so my licensing worker knew that I wanted to do this, and so. She knew about it. She knew. I told her first when I became pregnant.I did not tell the county, I think, until I was, like, four months along, and they were fine. I was worried about it.I was worried that they would think I couldn't handle it, that I was worried that they would say, well, you know, your home is at capacity, or, you know. But honestly, they don't really count biochildren towards your, like, certification. So they were like, okay.Like, I told them, and it was no big deal.

Rachel00:30:20

Oh. Because they don't really have to worry about the accommodations for that child.So they don't care where the child's going to sleep or anything like that, because it's, like, not. Yeah. No.

Maryanne00:30:30

And by the way, we co. Sleep because I can. No one says I can't do that.

Rachel00:30:36

Right. Yeah.

Maryanne00:30:37

He sleeps in my bed. And. Yeah. So it's. I mean, I'm still nursing, so it's just easier. But, yeah, it's such a different world when they're actually yours.

Rachel00:30:49

Yeah. I want to ask you about that. On an emotional level or on just a bonding level? Now that you've had bonding. Both experiences.This is something I can't speak to because I don't have biological children. Is there a difference? And I know this is a. This is, like, a touchy subject because you don't want to.I. I'm not trying to, like, I'm just genuinely curious how it feels, what that bonding process has been like compared to. With your other two.

Maryanne00:31:17

Yeah. I've gotten this question a lot. Okay. And I mean, love is love, right?So, like, I don't differentiate on love, but I will say that the, like, process is night and day different, you know, I mean, one, it's hormonally driven when you give birth, when you're pregnant for nine months and you're feeling them kick from the inside, you know, and, like, that is, like, 100% a very different experience. And it has to be. I mean, like, I'm growing this human. Let's not like someone dropped him off at my door, you know, like. And so that's.It's just very different. And from that perspective. And I will say, like, I remember for the first. I told you, my first trimester, I was very wishy washy. Like, you know, you.You know, my friend Emily and I. One of our doctor's appointments, she came with me and she's like, can we. Can we be excited yet? And I was like, I'm still, like, very.This is very weird. You know, it, like, it went from, like, this whole hypothetical situation.

Rachel00:32:17

Yeah.

Maryanne00:32:17

To being real. And I felt like crap. I felt nauseous and, like, I felt sick, and I felt like my body was hijacked.So I was very much so, like, no, I'm not excited right now because this is strange and foreign and very alien, and I don't feel attached to this thing inside me. It was very weird. I just, like, you know, it was nothing like I pictured it would be. That's like, I just, you know, interesting.

Rachel00:32:44

You mean you thought you were gonna be, like, all of a sudden, like, earth mother, like, all feeling, like, really great.

Maryanne00:32:51

I was like, this is gross. Like, I feel gross. I feel weird. Like, food that I, like, doesn't taste good anymore. I'm exhausted. I'm. I'm throwing up.Like, you know, like, it was just. I have this secret that no one knows. It was a very weird experience. But I went on a ski trip with my parents and. And I. I went skiing.I was, like, 18 weeks pregnant at the time, so I was, like, barely showing, and I. But I was, you know, I was being really careful, but this snowboarder hit me. And I've never been hit while skiing before.I've never been, like, in a collision. You know, I'm a good skier, so I don't usually have fall. I don't usually fall. And I got up, like, after he hit me, and I. I slapped him.I was like, I'm pregnant. Like, you better hope this baby Is okay.And then I. I skied down to, like, where my parents are waiting, and I was just bawling because I was so worried about this baby. And I realized, wait, I really do love this baby. I really do love this baby.

Rachel00:33:56

Yeah.

Maryanne00:33:56

And it was just kind of this, like, you know, weird experience. So, like, after that, after.And then when I found out, like, it was a boy and, like, the ultrasound started actually looking like a baby, I was like, okay, I'm excited. And. Yeah. And then it was. It was pretty much smooth sailing and a great pregnancy after that, emotionally.And postpartum was great, but, like, nothing compares to that moment when, like, you meet them for the first time, and I'm like, holy crap. Like, you were with me all along. Like, you're mine. You're so perfect. I want to, like, eat your face, you know? And it was just, like, so wild.So giving birth is insane.

Rachel00:34:41

I don't know why we don't talk.

Maryanne00:34:42

About it all the time.

Rachel00:34:45

Did Emily come with you? Was she, like, in the delivery room? Emily McDaniel, who actually just. I think her episode dropped yesterday. So, yeah, you can find her story.

Maryanne00:34:55

And she's great. The whole time, she was literally, like, behind me while I pushed him out. So it was amazing. He. Yeah, I delivered him vaginally in 9 pounds, 8 ounces.Yeah. After, like, three days being in the hospital. After being induced. Yeah. But he. He's. He's a chunker. He's perfect. He's going to be tall.Everyone says he's my twin, which I was so worried because I'm like, I'm using a donor. I'm like, what if he looks just like the donor? And everyone's like, he's not. Like, no one has. No one has a frame of reference for the donor.And everyone's just like, he's your twin. And I'm like, I'll take it. I'll take it.

Rachel00:35:32

Right. Tell me about the donor. Like, I just. I'm just curious. And I'm sure the listeners would maybe be interested in this too. Like, how did you go about.Was it literally, like, you just look through people and they. Shows what they're good at and, like, what their IQ is and stuff. Like, how do you make that selection?

Maryanne00:35:48

I use Seattle Sperm bank, and they. There's multiple different banks that you can use, but my particular utility clinic had, like, preferred banks that they. That they use.You pay for, like, an access pass to look at these. These donors. And first of all, like, the very first step is getting tested.There's like, there's this thing called cmv, and you can be CMV positive or CMV negative. And so then that's like the first rule of thumb. Like, you need to find a donor that matches your CMV status because it's some. I'm not.I'm kind of fuzzy on it, but it's some virus or something that, like, either you're. You're positive for or you're not. So you don't want to choose a donor. That's not.Which is so funny to me, because if you meet someone in real life and get pregnant, you're not like, what's your CMV status?

Rachel00:36:32

Yeah, that's true.

Maryanne00:36:33

You're not my. You're not my match. Right. So there's just a lot of extra. I mean, when you're paying for it, you're like, let me get the best possible chance.Right, right, right, right. So it's just. It's a strange process.

Rachel00:36:44

Yeah.

Maryanne00:36:45

So I feel like I know a lot more about my donor medically than most people know about their partners.

Rachel00:36:49

Yeah. That's interesting.

Maryanne00:36:51

Yeah.

Rachel00:36:52

And then wouldn't everybody be choosing the same, like, five guys that are like. Do you know what I mean? Like, okay, this is that most highly intelligent or I guess different things are more important.

Maryanne00:37:04

Yeah. I think for me, I was looking for someone that was similar ethnicity to me. Like, I wanted.I wanted my baby to look like me, you know, like, so I'm choosing somebody who's fairly, you know, like, I am, you know, different. Maybe similar, like ethnicity or origin. And then also. So that was like, number one. Right? Like, I. I picked a blonde guy. Like, I. I'm blonde.I wanted my baby to look like me, you know, I. So. And then.

Rachel00:37:34

Can I pause one, One second? You want the baby to look at you? Just tell me why. Or the listeners. Why? I'm just curious.

Maryanne00:37:41

I wanted us, like, I wanted. I wanted us to match, like, as a family, you know? And, like, I'm not saying like that. Like, obviously, I know people adopt different races and stuff.My. My other kiddos are white. They look. I mean, most people will mistake my oldest for mine because he does look like me and he is blonde.I guess I just was like, you know, I'm having this baby. I don't want.I would never pick a donor of a different ethnicity and then not have a representative of that ethnicity in my family to guide them, you know?Like, I feel like that's irresponsible in a way to, like, choose a harder path for them and then not have somebody there for them that can guide them.Like, it'd be different if I married someone who, you know, was black and we had a mixed race child, but then his father's black and he's there to guide him through that aspect of his, of his heritage and his culture. But if I don't have that, that's just kind of irresponsible, you know. So, yeah, I, I guess that was my thought process.

Rachel00:38:41

Yeah.

Maryanne00:38:42

Thank you.

Rachel00:38:42

I just was curious. Yeah.

Maryanne00:38:44

Yeah.So, you know, that and also like a big part of having your biological child is that like, you see yourselves in them and, you know, they see themselves in you. And like, that was an experience that I don't have, you know, so. So that was part of it. But yeah.So then further than that, like, I didn't think that hard about the donor because the next step was like looking for somebody that like had similar, you know, characteristics as I did. And then two looking at like our genetic screens. So, like, you would get screened for different genetic carrier.You know, like, am I, what am I, what am I a carrier for genetically? Like, if you think about like cystic fibrosis.Fibrosis or things like that, like, you don't want to, you know, or ms, like you don't want to choose if you're a carrier for that. You don't want to choose someone who's also a carrier and give that child a 25 chance of having that genetic condition. Right. Yeah.So that's the first step is like, okay, what am I a carrier of? What are they a carrier of? Are we good genetically?And then, you know, making sure if there's anything that I was tested for that they weren't tested for, that they're getting tested for it, that type of thing.So really that was like the big thing like that, like that narrows down your search, the CMV status and then your genetic carrier stuff narrows down the pool. And then you can. And then it's like, what's available at the time.It's funny, I am connected with a family that has a daughter using the same donor that I chose. And I did not realize that I donor had adult pictures available because most of the sperm banks only show baby pictures.And so I did not realize there was an adult photo all along until I literally had Ellis. So she was like, oh, I looked at all the adult pictures. I was like, I didn't even know. So it's kind of funny.

Rachel00:40:44

What did he look like? Was he, was he good looking?

Maryanne00:40:46

Yeah, I think so. I mean, like, I, I Wouldn't like, you know, I wasn't like, oh my God, whoa, what did I do? No, he like, he. I was like, ah.Like, if I would have met him at a bar, we might have chatted, you know?

Rachel00:40:57

Right, right.

Maryanne00:40:59

So.

Rachel00:41:00

But wait, so a friend of yours has the same birth father as you. This is a friend of yours.

Maryanne00:41:05

We met. We met through. There's like a. The sperm bank has like a connections like site.So like once you have like a verified pregnancy and birth, like, you can be a part of this portal where you can be connected with other birth families using the same donor. So, okay, this couple lives on the east coast. They have a daughter who's about two months older than Ellis.So he already has a half sibling that I know of. Actually has two that I know of. So that's kind of funny. But you know what? My kids, my.My kids through foster care and soon to be adoption also have lots of half siblings, so. Right. Everybody gets half siblings in my family.

Rachel00:41:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maryanne00:41:44

It'll just be normal that there are out there. Yeah. That we have varying relationships with.

Rachel00:41:49

So do you think you'll stay in touch with these.

Maryanne00:41:52

The people that you met and like, and they're totally open. Like, they're very open with their daughter or they will be very open with their daughter.They're very young right now, so, you know, we have a very similar philosophies on that that like, we will support whatever level of interaction they want. And honestly, she and I chat maybe like every other week.And she seems very, you know, very similar minded to me and I love that we're friends on Instagram. So like I see pictures of her daughter and it's just funny like, oh, that's. That's Ellis's half sister, you know.

Rachel00:42:22

Yeah.

Maryanne00:42:23

Which is really cool and, and weird.

Rachel00:42:26

Yeah. Yeah, it is. You know, I never thought about that, but it's like, do they put a limit on how many children this guy can father or is it.Could it just be like hundreds of children?

Maryanne00:42:39

Like, that's why. That's one of the reasons I didn't take like the sperm bank, like, descriptions of these people very like, seriously.I mean, outside of like the medical stuff and like, and characteristics that I could see in the picture of them because a lot of it's self reported. So like you're self reporting, like your schooling or your family heritage or your family, like medical history, like it.So like you take it with a grain of salt, you know. And I also didn't want to think about it too hard because, like, I'm not marrying this guy. Like, I'm not. I don't have a relationship with this guy.Like, if Ellis grows up and wants to meet him and find him 100 support, that it's right. We live in Colorado. It's an open ID state at 18. So, you know, like, if he wants that information 100%. If my.If my kids that I'm adopting want that information and to meet their bio parents, 100%, you know, as long as it's done in a safe way and, you know, if they're willing to be consistent and we're preparing them emotionally, like, you know, I think it's. It's a very different father for my kids that I'm adopting and the father. Biological father for the. My son that I conceived. Yeah. Like, you're. Like.It's a very different dynamic. You know, this donor is not someone that, like, I entered into a relationship with, got pregnant, and then he, like, dipped out on us. Like, no, I.It's a. It's transactional on. On both of our parts. And he was never, like, oh, there's a kid out there that I want nothing to do with.You know, he's not a father. He's right. Donated genetic material so that I could achieve having a family on my own. I'm very thankful to him for that.And, you know, think of him fondly in that way. Like, you gave me, like, the greatest gift in my son, but, like, I don't really think about him on a daily basis because he's not.He's not involved in our life. You know, he was never meant to be involved in our life. Right, right. Have, like, wonderful male figures in his life, that. That will be there for him.And, you know, I'm very open.I tell my kids all the time, like, if they bring up daddy or their friend has a daddy, I, you know, or this show has a daddy, I'm like, yeah, and our family just has a mommy. Isn't that cool? And they're like, yeah, and a nana and a auntie and, you know, and they. They list all their other family members, and I just.

Rachel00:45:03

Yeah.

Maryanne00:45:03

You know, try to normalize it as much as possible. Possible. Yeah, our family just has a mommy, and that's. That's okay.

Rachel00:45:10

I love it. I love it. Yeah. I think it's like, what. You bring kids up with it just.

Maryanne00:45:15

Yeah.

Rachel00:45:15

That's what is.

Maryanne00:45:17

Yeah.And, like, they'll get more and more information on it as they get older and more and more pieces, and if they want to Ask me questions, by all means. I plan to be an absolute open book with them. I think that's the best way to handle it.I mean, right now, my story to Ellis is I wanted you so badly that I was willing to make it happen however I could. And I'm beyond grateful that you're here. And, you know, I want to hug you and kiss you a thousand times a day. So it's very.It's very healing in a way. And actually it's really funny, too, because six weeks after he was born, my other kids ended up having another sibling as well.So I could have had four kids. Rachel. I showed.

Rachel00:46:04

Did they come to you and ask you if you wanted? Oh, my God.

Maryanne00:46:08

And I. And it was very, very hard because I felt like one. Like, this is their sibling.And that was the whole reason I took my daughter when I did was because I had her brother and I wanted to keep them together. So, yeah, it was very hard. And also, like, if I hadn't had Ellis, would I have said yes? Probably.But I also knew I wanted to have my own kids, so would I have said no? I don't know. So that was really hard. And it's a little girl. They have a little sister that's again, six weeks younger than Ellis.And we don't refer to her as a sister right now, just because I think that's confusing because she doesn't live with us, but she lives with my friend who is a foster parent as well. I know.

Rachel00:46:50

So I love your little enclave that you have. I mean, I'm so obsessed with this that you guys get to. And we talk about it in the Emily McDaniel thing.They all live in the same neighborhood and all these foster families, and it's wonderful. So that's so great.

Maryanne00:47:06

It's just normalized, which is what's important. And. Yeah. And so she's with a friend of mine that did respite for me a ton for my oldest.She did respite for me when I would travel for work or had something going on. And so, you know, I called her and I was like, hey, would you want to foster their sibling? I am at capacity in more ways than one.I literally could not fit another car seat in my car. And also, like, I'm freshly postpartum. Yeah. And like, one part. And. And this is.This is a big part of it, too, is like, I had dreamed of that moment for so long of having a biological baby and getting to enjoy my maternity leave and know that, like, I could full heartedly, like, Embrace this baby. There was no, what's going to happen? Are they going to take her? Are they going to take him? What's long term?Don't get too attached, like, protect your heart. There was none of that. And so I didn't want to jump back into that deep end of the pool, you know, and I wanted to just enjoy my baby.And I felt like he deserved that and I felt like I deserved it.And I also felt like this new little girl and this new sibling deserves someone who 100% chose her, not somebody who felt like, oh, I guess I can handle one more, you know, like.

Rachel00:48:27

Right.

Maryanne00:48:27

Yeah, I guess I can do this. Like, she deserves somebody that was like, head over heels in love with her and excited for her and devoted to her. And, you know, and she got that.She got that in my friend and she deserves that. And you know what?Sometimes siblings don't grow up in the same household, but they're still siblings and they'll know each other and they'll have a relationship and, you know, we'll explain all of that in my thinking to them when they're older. And that will just be a different facet of our family.And she goes to the same daycare as them and she's in my son's class, which is hilarious and amazing.And, you know, my kids will spend time with her in a couple weeks when I have a work trip and they'll stay with my friend and, and their, and the baby. And so it's, you know, I felt like I did the next best thing if I couldn't. And I physically, capacity wise, emotionally, like, I could not do it.And yeah, I had to recognize that. I had to recognize my limit. And there's the thing that, like, you know, these parents could continue to have more kids.I can't say yes to them all, and it's not my responsibility to say yes to them all. But I will tell you, there was a big part of me that really considered it.

Rachel00:49:47

Sure.

Maryanne00:49:48

Because I must be just like that crazy that I was like, well, yeah, I got a bigger car. I already have all the baby stuff, you know.

Rachel00:49:59

Right. Yeah.

Maryanne00:50:00

You know, and I just had to be like, no, Marianne, like, it is not your responsibility to do this every time. Right. And it probably won't be the last time, sadly, you know. So, you know, I joke that she gets the next few and then maybe I'll be available again.Right. We're going to start a compound and, you know, have houses connected or whatever.But, you know, I think I did my best by her and by them that I could. And you know, I didn't know about her. I didn't know about her until she was born. Right.And you know, she had some health stuff in the beginning too, where she really did need someone devoted to her, someone who had the bandwidth for her and, you know, kids deserve that. So.

Rachel00:50:49

Absolutely. Oh, it's so great to talk to you. I'm so happy for you.

Maryanne00:50:53

Thank you.

Rachel00:50:54

So, so happy for you.

Maryanne00:50:55

Getting there. We're chugging along. I hope that the next time we talk they're adopted and I can.

Rachel00:51:00

Me too.

Maryanne00:51:01

I can send a picture of our final forever family.

Rachel00:51:04

Please do. And I will vision that for sure. I'm going to just envision that happening.I was wondering, actually, and this is the last thing I'll say, I was wondering if you could.Maybe it's not worth it at this point, but I wonder if hiring a lawyer at this point would help to speed up the process of just like, okay, guys, let's just like finish this up, you know.

Maryanne00:51:26

You know, unfortunately, I think where we're at is it's all gonna unfold how it does. I will be hiring an attorney to help negotiate adoption stipend, but that's pretty much it.Like, you know, at this point in time, I don't think that there's anything that would speed it up. It's just the process. I see. And I will say I'm gonna let the county pay for daycare as long as I can.

Rachel00:51:47

Oh, that's a good point.

Maryanne00:51:49

Yeah. Yeah, I like that.

Rachel00:51:50

Good. Good thinking, mom. Yeah.

Maryanne00:51:52

I have three kids in daycare, so they would bankrupt me fast.

Rachel00:51:56

Yeah.

Maryanne00:51:56

But yeah, so I'm gonna just let them continue for daycare, ride it out. You know, if it happens sooner, wonderful. If it's, you know, this time next year or this fall. Okay. But like, you know, it's.It's going to change everything and nothing.Like it's going to change everything and that like I can breathe and we can move on with our life and I can close this chapter of foster care and so can they, but it's also going to change nothing about our day to day. And you know, and that's. That's both mind boggling and exciting at the same time. Right?

Rachel00:52:33

Yeah. Well put, well put. Thank you so much for taking the time to come back on and we'll certainly stay in touch.

Rachel00:52:43

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through foster to adopt.Produced by Aquarius Rising Original music composed by Joe Fulginetti for more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster2forever.com that's from foster the number2forever.com and stay connected with us on Instagram at Foster2forever podcast. That's Foster the number two forever podcast. We'll see you next time.