An LGBTQ Dad’s Journey Through Trauma, Adoption & Unconditional Love with Ron Platt

And the story with him was that he had entered the foster system at nine years old, was in some really crappy homes where he was physically abused, where they tried to religious him to death because he had come out at nine years old. And then he was brought to a gay gentleman who said, I'm going to keep you forever. And I think six months into it, changed his mind.So then I come across, I'm like, you know, I'm a gay man. You're going to stay here forever. This is going to be. So of course he had a lot of doubts and I had to prove myself to him, him. So.And he challenged me.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti. I am very excited today to talk to Ron Platt.Ron Platt is the co founder and CEO for the national association for Single and Divorced Families, nasdf. And he's the creator of the only divorce insurance product on the market. And we will talk about what that means a little bit later on in the show.

But.

But Ron is also an adoptive dad. And in fact, he was one of the first LGBTQ families to adopt an LGBTQ child. And so I really am excited to dive in and talk all about that.Ron, welcome to the show. I want to hear about your journey with foster care and adoption. How did that start?

So I had broken up from my very bad, toxic relationship for about a three year period, unfortunately, before I went back into the relationship. But during that time I bought my. For. I had bought real estate before, but this was a house that I purchased on my own after my relationship.And I went to visit a friend of mine in la. I get off the plane and he picks me up and says, our plans have changed. I'm getting my foster kit today. Can you come with me on this journey?And I wasn't gonna. No, right. It was like, you know, I'm the type of guy that goes with the flow. I'm like, yeah, sure, there's got to be a reason for us to do this.Let's do it. So I watched him. I'd never met this child before.I think that his son was 6 years old or 7 years old at the time and he had been a big brother to this child for quite some time and then fell in love with him and, and went through the foster program and the opportunity for him to foster the child came up and I was there the day that he was delivered to the house and this, this kid was just amazing. When you get a foster child, you get, like, a book with their history of all the things that the child's gone through and stuff.So you can better understand that. There were two books on this kid, and he had.

Sometimes you get that. Not always, but yeah.

So he was handed. He gave me a book, and I. And I. And he was opening another book, and we're going through it, and the. The young boy is sitting there, and he's.He's coloring, and he's being really quiet and stuff, and we're reading the book, and it was like, the kid acts out, he scratches, he fights, he talks in tongues. He does all these things. And I looked up at my friend. I said, how long have you known this. This kid?And he said, I. I've been big brother to him for at least two to three years. I said, have you ever experienced any of this? He goes, no, never. And I'm looking down at the kid. I'm thinking that something doesn't match here.You know, something else went on where this kid went through this situation. I don't know what the background is, but that's not what I see here. So he had a.Like, a welcome party where the other foster parents came to the apartment, and they brought their kids, and it was a big celebration, and I just. I just loved it. It just was something that I had always wanted to have a child, but as an LGBQT person back then, I didn't think it was an option.So I had kind of put it out of my head. My idea at the age of 21 was to get married, have four kids, you know, a wife and everything else. And at 22, I came out, and that all changed.So, you know, here I am in my 30s, not thinking I'm going to have a kid. And I see my friend who I admire and look up to and see what he's going through, and I thought, I could do this. So I get back to Miami.I go to a networking event. This woman, Amy, gets up at the event. It's an lgbtq, LGBTQ networking event. I get up.She gets up, and she says, I'm looking for lgbqt, Single and Coupled Individuals to take in LGBQT kids. And. And I thought I looked up at God and went, really?

Yeah.

This has to be a sign, right? So I. I went up to her and I said, I'm in. Tell me what I got to do. And she said, well, you got to sign up. Blah, blah, blah.So there was about 35 of us in this first class ever. It was put together by Children Family Services.They realized that there was a situation where these kids were being abused in the system, and they needed to be placed with gay, gay and lesbian couples and singled individuals. So the people that were in there were the mover and shakers within the gay community that I knew because I was heavily involved in the.In the AIDS walk and HIV initiatives and things like that. So we all knew each other, and it was very. It was an emotional thing to go through it because we heard the stories.And at one point, the teacher got up and said, so there's one homeless kid right now that needs to be taken in. And she starts describing a big heart, has a really screwed up background, blah, blah, blah. And somehow that resonated.So I went up and I went up to the teacher, I said, is there any way I can meet this kid? And she said, well, we can't really have you meet him, but we can show him to you. I'm like, okay. So he hung out at this Pride.It was like a Pride house that they had in Miami for the youth. And I went there, and I met the woman, one of the women in the groups, and she said, so I can point out where he is. There's his boyfriend. And my.So my son was sitting on the floor, and his boyfriend was sitting on a chair, and they were sitting next to each other, and I was able to get my first glimpse of him. And I thought, okay, yeah, I can do this. Didn't introduce myself. We get our license. They have a big little party for us.Amy comes up and says, here's. Here's your license. There's your kid.

And I'm like, whoa, oh, my God,.

Can I meet this kid? Can I spend some time with this kid? Like, I don't even have a bedroom set set up for him just yet. And she's like, yeah, you got three.Amy's a tough woman. You got three days to get to know the kid. He's homeless. He needs a house. So go. Go meet him.

Okay, I have to stop you just one second. When was this? Like, what. What year? Around.

So he. Well, let's do the math. He's 37 now. He was 13 back then. So what is that, 24? No, that's 24 years ago, I think.

Okay, okay. So we're talking over 20 years ago. That is a trip that they would give you. So you hadn't been. You weren't vetted. You did not, or you were. You.

Yeah, I had my license. They did the home Study. All that was done. I was, they were for me. They were ready.

Okay.

Yeah.

It just wasn't. I was like, wait, I know things were different back then, but like that different? That's nuts.

No, no, no, no. They did the homesteady, the backgrounds, fingerprints, all that kind of stuff. So it was part of the licensing process.

Got it. But then it just happened right away.

Yeah, right away. So I want to introduce myself. At the time his name was Michael. He has since changed his name. We, so I, I introduced myself, I said let's hang out.So we, we went for lunch, we went for long walks, I took him to dinner afterwards. I, the next day I brought him by the house and, and I said it was a two bedroom, one bath house. It's like, I don't know, 1100 square feet.I wasn't planning on having somebody else living with me. The room was empty. And I said, let's go shopping for a bedroom set. And he's like, what? I'm like, well, let's go pick out a bedroom set.He's like, I've never done that before. I'm like, well, things are going to be different here. So I took him to rooms to go and it was like a kid in a candy store. Pick out whatever you want.And he was like, he didn't know what to do. He's 13 years old and, and he picked out a great bedroom set. And I'm like, great, let's have it. It'll be delivered tomorrow.You could technically move in tomorrow if you want. And it was kind of a very fast paced for him. Yeah. But when he did come to the house, I said, look, you know, this is your home.There's no lock on the refrigerator. You can have whatever you want.I know you're going to continue and, and I know I'm not supposed to talk about this on podcast, but let's be honest, I knew the kid was going to smoke weed and I, and I knew I would, I could try to stop him, whatever, he's going to do it. So I said, look, I know you're going to do this. Don't do it during the week when you're in school. Maybe do it on Friday nights in the backyard.You know, I want you to be at the house. I don't want you to be on the streets doing this stuff. You can't do anything else.I don't really want you doing this, but I know you're going to, so at least do it in the house. I want you going to school, I want you to get a job. Because he was on the crusp of becoming 14 years old.And literally two blocks over, I'm on a major street, there's a ton of restaurants, there's a ton of coffee shops. I know half the neighborhood, they all know me. So if I asked, could you give the kid a job, it would be yes.

Right.

A lot of LGBQT businesses on that street who wanted to help. So I was in a great neighborhood for, for this kid. And I said, you know, I want you to have a job. You're in a school for troubled kids.I'm really going to work hard on getting you out of that school because clearly that's not you. We're going to put you at a high school. Not here. I have to look for an A rated school, not an F rated school. That was in my district.But we're going to work on all these things and. But I can't have you skipping school. I can't have you acting up. There are certain rules that you have to abide by in order to stay in this house.And he was like, yeah, sure, okay.And, and the story with him was that he had entered the foster system at nine years old, was in some really crappy homes where he was physically abused, where they tried to religious him to death because he had come out at nine years old. And then he was brought to a gay gentleman who said, I'm going to keep you forever. And I think six months into it changed his mind.So then I come across, I'm like, you know, I'm a gay man. You're going to stay here forever. This is going to be. So of course he had a lot of doubts and I had to prove myself to him, so. And he challenged me.Sure. You know, I worked. I remember taking him to school. Our drive to school where he was going was about 35 minutes.And I used to say, so tell me what your future looks like. And he's, because I'm a big goal set kind of guy. I have a career coach that's coaching me to success and all this.So I'm going to pass some of this knowledge on him. Tell me what your future looks like. And he said, my future looks like I'm on my way to school right now and I can't think of anything else.And I said, I get it, you're in survival mode. Can we try working on that? He's like, yeah, whatever. Okay. So every day we would go to school and I'd say, tell me what our goals are. Today.And he'd say, to get home tonight. You know, to be able to go through today at school, not get in trouble and get home. Okay, let's work on that.And then the next day was, what is a girl today? So that was something.We started practicing and I worked very diligently to get him out of that school to prove that he was put there for the wrong reasons. They agreed with me. They tested him, saw that he was way above where he was because he was put back because he had missed too much school.And I was able to get him enrolled in another high school. And this is Miami. So it was in Coral Gables. I'm at least 25 minutes away from that school.But the school that was in my district was a failing school. And I wasn't going to have. I wasn't going to put him there. So then we had drives going in the opposite direction.And it was funny because I like listening to 80s rock sticks and A Journey and all that kind of stuff. And he'd be going, no, I got to hear my rap or whatever. But slowly he would turn up the volume and we'd start jamming on the music.And the next thing he was like, what band is this? And we started making this connection. We would sit down at dinner every night. I would show him how to cook.He would show me what he cooks, and I would. Different spice. It was a matter of like, this is your home. Probably about two months into it, I get a call from his sister. Now, let me share.He's in communication with his sister, who's not in the foster system. She was, but she got out.His mother called me when I got custody of him and was crying to me on the phone that she was very happy that he was with me and that she would work with me on trying to keep him straight. You know, straight. Not. Not sexually, but, you know, right and straight. And she would. Yeah, and she would communicate with me.And I was okay with that because I realized that she would be a sounding board for me and I wanted to have that relationship, but I did not want him to be with her because his mother was a drug addict, his father was a drug dealer. So I wanted limited conversations, but I knew they were still communicating, so I wanted to be able to communicate with her as well.So I get a call from his sister one day. He skipped school and he's smoking weed at your house. And it was like, at 2:00, I work maybe five minutes away from my house. I'm like, oh, okay.I hung up. The phone, got in the car, pulled up to the house, he had a friend over, and he goes, hey, dad. He's calling me, dad.At that point, he's like, hey, dad, what's going on? I said, hey, could you ask your friend to leave? He's like, okay. Asks his friend to leave. I go into his room, I take his suitcase out.I had bought him a suitcase because I refused to have him, you know, living out of a plastic bag, which is how he came into the house. And I started throwing all this stuff in. And he's yelling at me, what are you doing? What are you doing?And I'm just piling his clothes and piling his clothes and close the suitcase, open up the door, throw the suitcase out the door. And say, get out of my house. And he said, why? And I said, you literally broke every rule. You skipped school. You're smoking weed. You. You're not you.You've broken every rule that there was in this house. Get out. And he gets out. I slam the door, and I cry. I'm like, I just failed this kid. I'm a horrible person. I call Amy up, who's our support.Part of our support team. And I'm crying, and she's like, it's okay. Well, I didn't say it was going to be easy.

Yeah.

He's gonna be back in two hours. I promise. And two hours later, I hear a knock on the door. I open it up, and I'll never forget when he left. He had his roller.He lit a cigarette, and he started walking down the street. You know, head up. He's gonna do this. He's done, right? Two hours later, he's knocking on the door. And I. And I said, yeah. He goes, can I come in?I said, have a seat. Sits down, and he said, you said you would never throw me out of this house. I said, as long as you follow the rules, I own this home.This is your home. But that doesn't mean that you get free range. You. The rules that I put in place are very liberal, but there's. It's structure.It's, you know, it's da, da, da, da. I'd explain the whole conversation. I said, are you in or are you out? He says, I'm in. I said, then don't do that again.And it was good for time, for certain times. But of course, I got called from school. He got suspended from school because. Because he looked older than his age.And apparently when I dropped him off, he decided to go to the 7 11, buy some liquor and do a bar situation in school. Like, he was giving the other kids alcohol. And. And he was sent to the principal's office. And he.And when I was called to the principal's office, I explained to the principal, you know, he's a foster kid. We're trying to work through this. And he's like, yeah, but I have to suspend him for two days. And when I got my kid in the.In the car, he's like, dad, he was drinking the alcohol right in front of me. And I'm like, so that's what we're talking about, not the fact that you brought the alcohol to school. I don't care what the principal was doing.Let's talk about what you were doing. Yeah, so he did get the job. And it was at. It was at a sort of a.Like a restaurant where people can come up and get the food, but they can also sit and eat. And they loved him there, and he loved working it. And he got into a regiment. It worked for a really good long period of time.I try to incorporate him into my friends. I wanted to show him successful gay men, successful gay women. I was very naive. Many times he wanted to have a sleepover with his friends.And I'm thinking, oh, that's so sweet. Okay, great. And. And during the sleepover, one of the. The boys came out with a shirt off and in his shorts.And I'm watching this go by, and I'm like, oh, wait a minute. This isn't a sleepover like I would have. He's having an orgy.

Oh, God.

And I think it was. He was on the cross with 15 at the time. So I said, michael, could you come out here? And he comes out. He goes, yeah, what's up?I'm like, I need you to ask everybody to leave. It's not what I visualized. And he's like, oh, okay.

Wow.

So they all left, and we sat and said, so here's what I thought you were doing. You know, there was a lot of naivete on my side, having never raised a child, let alone a child with a background who was street smart and knew.Knew how to get away with certain things, but.

And you were single and I was single. Yeah.

And there's a story that I tell that I have. We're sitting at.I'm sitting at my dining room table with my friends, and they're telling me how I'm raising him the wrong way, and they're trying to give me advice. And I'm listening very quietly, and I'm listening and when it got to me, I said, so how many people here have kids?And nobody raised their hand, right, so you're giving me advice based off of your childhood and your childhood. And my childhood were very different than his.So if I need advice on how to raise him, I'm going to call my sister who has two young boys, and I'm going to ask her for advice. None of you, right? Until you get kids, I don't need your advice.

Yeah, yeah.

But there were, there was a lot of things that I began to see that was wrong in the system. I wanted him to get therapy. I talked to his caseworker. They started him with, with a therapist.And about three, four weeks into it, he came home and he said, I just can't do this anymore. And I said, look, I know it's hard, but I want you to work through this. He goes, no, no, no, it's. I have a different therapist every week.And I'm like, what? So I call up the case worker, she's like, we, we can't keep them. And I'm like, well, you need to let me know that, yeah, I have the resources.I can pay for him to go to a therapist, but I need to know that he's not seeing the same person communicate with me. Or.When I took him to the doctors the first time he wanted to go to the, to the pediatrician that he always went to, I was like, okay, you feel comfortable with that? Let's go. And I'm sitting there in the room with him and the pediatrician's asking him the questions.And I raised my hand, I'm like, hi, I'm the parent. Ask me the questions. And he's like, oh. And he looks at me, he goes, who are you? I said, I'm his foster father. And he goes, oh.Most of the time these foster parents drop the kids off and then tell them to take the public bus home.

Oh my God.

And I looked at the doctor, I said, but these kids are ill. He goes, oh, I know. And he goes, so they just arbitrarily drop them off? And he goes, yeah. I go, so that's not me.Let's have a discussion about my kids health.

Yeah.

So there was that. Or when I went to the bank for the first time to open up an account for him. And the lady said, what's the relationship? I said, I'm his foster parent.She got up from the desk, came around, shook my head and said, thank you. And I said, for what? And she goes, for what you're doing. And It. I realized people don't do this. This, you know, what I'm doing is different.It is unusual. And I began to realize how impactful it was not only to my kid, but to other people to see this.

Yeah. Yeah.And it's one of the reasons, Ron, why I really wanted you on the show, because, I mean, there are many, many LGBTQ plus people out there that would like to be parents and maybe don't know how to do that, maybe don't have the means for that. And they need this message, too, that this is doable and this is something you can do.And to specifically take in an LGBTQ person like a foster child, it's just so important because they get the role model from you. They are accepted for who they are, and no one's trying to change them. I mean, it's. It's like a matter of life and death.So I. I just appreciate so much you coming on and talking about this story and telling us your. Your journey. I have a question.

Sure.

Going back to that very first thing where you gave him, you know, where you were like, pack your bags. It's interesting because I have a friend, an LGBTQ couple that came on who had a very similar experience with their foster son at the very beginning.And. And they also were pretty hardline about it and were like, look, this is you. This is not going to happen, or you're out.And the kid also, very much like in your story with your son, he. He did sort of like, he got with the program, so to speak. And obviously there's been challenges here and there.But I want to ask you, was that something that you had. You already made the decision that that is what you were going to do and how you were going to handle it if something like this were to happen?Or was that just in the moment, like, heat of the moment? And how did you know? I mean, weren't you, like, terrified that, like, he wasn't going to come back? And how did you handle that?

Yeah, it. So it. You know, my background, My upbringing was violent. You know, my. My dad. It's. It's when I talk about my. My. My upbringing, it was.I had a Belgian mother who meets a Canadian father. They meet in Miami in a grocery store. They have no money at the time. You know, they started building a life together. Yiddish was the.Was the language that they. They spoke equally until my mother learned how to speak English. And they. They were. They loved each other. But. But my father was an entrepreneur.My mother should have married an attorney, a doctor, or Somebody that got a paycheck every two weeks because she needed financial. She. She's a Holocaust survivor. She needed stability. She came from, you know, very traumatic background.At the age of five, she probably married the wrong person. And she said, when I walked down the aisle, I realized I was marrying the wrong person. But they. They were very much in love.But my dad had a very bad temper, and my mother knew how to really tweak it to get him to the point where he would rage. He never hit her, but he definitely took it out on my sister and I. So when my sister and I had children, we had to. We.We didn't have a book to go back to and say, this is how to. To take care of your kids, or this is how to discipline your children. We had to start from scratch. And that was a challenge for her.But for me, it was also, I. First of all, he's a foster kid. I can't hit him. I have to figure out a better way to discipline him. So a lot of it was gut instinct.I come with a huge heart, and I want to bring this child, who I don't know at 13 years old, into my home. Now, this is. Let me back up. This is not the first time that I have mentored kids. I was a youth group advisor.I'm part of the B' Nai Brith organization. So in high school, I had great experiences, and when I got out of college, I wanted to give that experience to other kids.So I became a youth group advisor. And here I had 35 high school kids. So I had had some background in this. I didn't discipline these kids, but I also knew what they did, right?And then I sent them home, and their parents disciplined them. So I knew what they did. I wasn't that naive. So when I got my kid, there had to be a baseline of, here's my expectations.I know you're going to veer off of it. I'm going to have to be flexible. But there's a bottom line. And the bottom line is, you can't disrespect me.I'm putting out too much energy to try to help you. I need to know that I'm respected in return. And my father used to say, I demand respect. You can't demand respect. That has to be earned.So when I said a certain amount of respect towards me, it was, you're in my home. I am feeding you. The money I get from DCF is pennies. Like, you know, I had to get him a whole new wardrobe.I Had to get him a bedroom set, I had to get him into therapy. And I had no issues doing this or paying out of pocket.It wasn't about, it was about trying to provide a better life for this kid and in turn respect what you've got.

Yeah.

So it was gut instinct when he came home and he broke all the rules. And I thought, okay, I've got to really shock the hell out of this kid and show him that, yeah, you're, you're on.You, you have a baseline and you just passed it, so you got to get out.

Yeah. And did you mean it? Like, did you, were you just saying that or didn't mean it or you really meant it?

No, I meant it, which is why I cried so hard when I threw him out. I thought I just failed this kid. I literally, I did not expect him to return.And if Amy had hadn't said, he's coming back in two hours, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. You know, but.

Right.

And we set new expectations and you know, he still challenged me in many ways, as he's going to do. Yeah, but, but it worked.

How did the experience. So you're going through all this by yourself as a single person, suddenly parent to a 13 year old, 14 year old kid who is, has challenges and trauma.How did this affect your work life, your personal life? What was that like?

Within my community, some of them made fun of me because they thought that, you know, the kid was tall. He's I'm five six, he was five nine at 13. So you know, they were all like, d, oh, you're the daddy, aren't you?Or you know, kind of putting some kind of emphasis that there was something else. And I, I was disgusted by that and said, no, he's my son. And they're like, oh, oh, okay. So there was a certain amount of that going on.A majority of the people respected what I was doing.They thought I was nuts, but they also respected what I was doing because it's something that they had wanted to do but didn' never thought that they would ever do what I was doing. I'm kind of the person that sets the tone. You know, I'm kind of the prefer I'm the first one to do it.And then everybody else looks at it and says, oh, I could do that. So my friend in LA was the first one, I'm the second one. I'm hoping to influence other people.

Yeah. So it was challenging being on this podcast today. I'M sure you will. And as far as your work life, I don't know what you do for a living.I mean, actually I know what you do now. I'm not sure what, what you did.

So I was a realtor. I was, I am still a realtor and I was a realtor back then as well.So I just made sure that when he was in school, I, I scheduled myself to be working at that time. And when he got home, he usually got home around 3:30 or 4:00 clock and I was home by 5 or 5:30.So if I needed to go to the gym, it was after I dropped him off at school. And then I would go to work, be very concentrated. You know, he knew on the weekends sometimes I did open houses and he had to be by himself.But I mean, he's also 13, 14 years old and he worked. So you know, on the weekends he was working and not hard or whatever. He never complained about it. He actually loved it.So there was a good balance between him working and me working.And then making sure that when we were home it was time on the couch to watch TV and watch something stupid or to have dinners together and have long conversations. And you know, to this day I still know how to make Cuban rice and beans because of him. He was like, no, dad, you're not doing it right.Let me show you how to do it.

What's his ethnicity? Was he his Latino?

Cuban, Cuban, Venezuelan. And he very much liked that.So I wanted to make sure, you know, I'm from Miami, so of course we're gonna, I'm surrounded by it and I and my friends are all Hispanic. So I'm gonna, I'm part of the community, I know how to cook Hispanic food, you know, stuff like that. So it's, it wasn't a far stretch, right?Having a Latin son, that's great.

And so important for him to have those mirrors.

I will share that. This got even more unusual because I did end up getting back together with my ex who had prostate cancer at the time. And I'm a nurturing person.So of course he's like, he's sick. I'm going to get back together with him. So we actually sold the house that my son and I were living in to buy a bigger house that needed renovation.So we moved into my ex's house, which was actually smaller than my house. And my son comes home one day and says, I quit school, I quit my job. I just want to sit home and hang out with my friends all day.And I'm like, yeah, that's not going to happen.And then I go into the next room, and my ex is sitting in a fetal position because he's in pain, because he's getting treatments and he's uncomfortable. And I'm trying to cater to him. And the contractor's calling because the house, you know, situations with the house.And by the way, I'm still working at the same time, and it just. I got overwhelmed.

Yeah.

So Amy always said, if you ever get to that point where you're overwhelmed and you need a break, call me and I'll take the kid for a.

Couple and tell the listeners who Amy is.

So Amy is the woman that put the program together. She initiated this program for the LGBQT community and these kids through. Through Children and Family Services. She was kind of our mentor.So I reached. And I had known Amy prior to this through our involvement in different organizations and charities and things like that. So I knew who she was.We were acquaintances. I wouldn't call us friends. So I called her up and I said, let's meet for lunch. I sit her down.I'm like, my ex, my partner at the time, cancer treatments, renovations, kids acting up, doesn't want to go to school, quit his job, blah, blah, blah. I need you to take him for a little while. And she's like, I'm on it. Absolutely. I'll pick him up. So we explained to him. He reluctantly left.I call Amy a very tough lesbian because I thought I was tough on the kid. He walks in and she says, I call her like a Jewish Nazi. She goes, he would be. You will be tested for drugs every week. You don't do this in my house.You don't do that in my house. If he thought I was tough, she was beyond that. And he. And he. And she's also, like, 5ft 1. So here she is, you know, talking to him like this. And.Yeah, and he's listening. And.And he moved in and developed a relationship with her and had his experiences in her condo building with other gay residences that were there, whether it was good or bad or what have you. And then he would call.You know, I was calling him every day, and we're communicating, and I'm checking in on him, and he knows I'm not out of the picture. I just need to get stuff done.

Yeah.

And I'm taking him to lunch. We're now we're doing things, all three of us.Now it's Amy, he and I going to dinner, or it's Amy inviting me over to her house, or I'm inviting Amy to my house.And what we suddenly realized is we have this dynamic called a family where he was calling her mom and he was calling me dad, and he would talk to her about certain things and talk to me about certain things. And then he moved back into my house once we were in the bigger house. And. But then he was still going back to her house. And it.This dynamic began to formulate and I called Amy and I said, you realize we're. We're basically his parents. And it got so deep that eventually she adopted him as his mother and I adopted him as his father.

Oh, that's so beautiful. That's awesome. Wow. Did you.

He changed his last name to yours? Both of ours. So her last name is Rolnick, My last name is Platt. He changed his name to Platin.

Oh, my God.

That's. And we joke that, you know, you know how when you.When you get your birth certificate, they have the cute little feet on there that when he got a new birth certificate, we wanted his, you know, 12 inch feet or whatever.

Right? Yeah. Big, huge feet.

Exactly.

Oh, that's so great.

To this day. And he's now 37. It's. It's definitely that Family dynamics. I was just on the phone with her yesterday and we're comparing notes. He has.He still has addiction issues. His mental health is challenging. He does see a therapist on a regular basis. He does keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again.He did end up getting married. He did end up adopting a baby himself. And. And for me, now it's all about my granddaughter. Like, I don't care about him. Give me my granddaughter.She's now six years old.But watching him raise a child when he has no background on raising children, and then you put him together with this other guy who was raised by his mother in Cuba. So he doesn't really have experience in raising children. And you as a grandparent, it's very difficult to have boundaries, you know?

Yeah.

And as much as we watch them raise her and my husband and I have a hard time watching some of the stuff.

Yeah.

What other people have assured me is that people who grew up in very traumatic backgrounds that they. They re. They tell me that the one person a grandparent or an aunt who they went to on a regular basis is the reason why they are normal now.

Yeah.

So when she comes to our house, it's a different experience for her. It usually takes her about a day to adjust.And then she gets into her routine and we sit with her and snuggle with her on the couch, and we reach bedtime stories to her, and we do things that her two parents don't do. They're now divorced, so she's living in separate homes, but they don't do those things.

Yeah.

So she gets smothered in love in our house, and you see the difference, and she sees it. And I've made sure to tell her, if. If you ever need a break or you ever need to feel that you need to be in a different spot, this home is yours.You can always come here and be with us. And I said, I really want you to understand that, you know? And she. She gets that.The challenge with him is trying to be able to put her needs before his own. And it's. It's incredibly challenging. I. I'm probably more challenged with him now at 37 than I was when he was 13.So as much as I sit here and I get emotional about it because I. I love him to death. And, And Amy and I are both 110% in. And there have been many, many times where we have had very tough situations with his. With the way he is.And let me emphasize, he's got a phenomenal sense of humor. He is a hard worker. He's extremely professional when he's at work. His mental health is not great. It's. It's. I would still say he's in survival mode.As much as we've loved on him and everything else.

Yeah.

I will also say that out of all the kids that were in that initial group, there are only two success stories. Mine and another couple. The other kids have either were not able to handle it, ran away, just did. We're not able to be part of the system.We're not able to participate. And these were all very committed people.

Yeah.

So the, The. The one couple that. There's. Actually, there were two other couples. I, I take that back. One.One of the kids that was with one of the other couples was the best friends to my son. And he still calls me dad because he even. He lived with two moms, but he called me dad. And again, very tough conversations with him.He's also an addict as well. He's having. He's having a decent life. You know, he's lived to. He's now 37 years old as well, so he's. We got him to 37. As we.As we say, the other, the other couple, their. Their son transitioned to a woman and keeps in touch with them. He's doing actually very well because the other kids are still in touch with him.So we hear about him, but. But did not stay in the system for very long. So I think we all think if we can get them to adulthood, we've succeeded.If we can get them to be a successful adult, we've really done well. So Amy and I, we think we've done okay. You know?

Yeah, it's. It's so tough. Trauma is. Is just so deep, and there's so many layers. And I really hear that about being in survival mode still.I mean, I understand that. I think that there is some part of any.Anyone, no matter how recovered you are or healed you are, if you've been through trauma, you're going to carry that. That echo through your.

For everybody.

Yeah, absolutely.

Not just foster kids. Yeah, for everybody. You got to deal with the hard stuff. And we have pushed him over the years to stick with the therapy, to do the hard work.You know, I. When he talks to me, it's. It's funny because when he talks to Amy, it's. He has different conversations. She's tougher.I mean, I'm tough on him, but I really. I want to know the whys. You know, right now, he wants to bring three kids over from Venezuela from some guy that he's dating.And I've tried explaining to him, this is only going to cause more drama in your relationship. It's going to not be a good thing for your daughter. I have to call him up today and say, you know, we're kind of putting our foot down on this.You know, you can barely handle what you've got, and now you want to bring in three other kids. Yeah, don't do it.

Was his daughter adopted through foster care?

No, she. They. They were friends with somebody else who had adopted a kid. And that guy called and said, this mother is in jail. She's about to give birth.She's got five other kids. The grandmother says, I can't do this anymore. So the kids up for adoption. The woman was on drugs, but clearly.Clearly she's off of drugs because she's been in jail for two years or sorry, you know, eight months.

Yeah.

So we know that the kid's gonna be okay. Blah, blah, blah. So she met them. They said, yes. They all agreed, and we have this beautiful child. Wow. It was interesting.After she got out of jail, she got pregnant again. My son called and said, hey, you want a kid?

You were like, oh, my God.

I'm like, that would be really weird for your daughter that her aunt or uncle is also her brother or sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's pass on that.

Did he remain in touch with his birth family?

Yes, remain in touch, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. So I. I met his mother several times. I was by her deathbed. His father has since passed.I. I remember him calling me up one day and he said, dad, I'm sitting here in a gay bar with my dad, my birth dad, and he wants to meet you. So do you want to meet us? His dad was not gay.So the fact that his father, who was upset that his son was gay, is now at a gay bar playing pool with his son. I thought, okay, that's kind of unique. You know, my kid's an adult now, so I go to meet this guy. He's like 6. Clearly the height is from his dad.6 Foot 3, 300 pound guy, gives me the biggest hug, thanks me profusely for helping to raise his kid. And we literally sat there and had the best time playing pool and having cocktails. And, you know, his dad had a really. His.Both his parents had really good hearts. They just got involved in the bad things.

Yeah.

So both of them. His father really tried to make himself. He got away from the stuff he was in. He was trying to make a better life for himself. So I respected that.When his father died, I was right by my son's side. When his mother died, I was right by his side.Amy and I paid for his mother's funeral because they, him and his sister didn't have the money to do it. When his father died, he was cremated. So, I mean, when his mother died, he. I said, stay with me for a week, you know, just hang out with me.And he took me up on it and I loved on him for a week. And we had long conversations and, you know, I wanted to make sure that when he walked out, he was good.And I knew how tough it was because as much as he called me dad, he always knew that his birth father was his real father.

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm really hearing about, just, first of all, my. One of my passions is just non traditional family. I just love.I love non traditional family. And I've built one and you guys have built one. And so I just love giving that example to people, to. It doesn't have to look a certain way.It may not look the way you expected it to look, but it can work. And so just thinking outside of the box I think is incredible.The other thing I'm really getting and hearing from your story is like, community, like how important community is and how you can really handle any Challenge if you have support in place. And that's something that a lot of people struggle with, is they just don't have a great community.

Yeah.

What do you say to that?

So again, Amy was my biggest support person. Interestingly enough, when I met my husband, their age difference was, I think three years.My husband was a Miami beach police officer, very responsible. I mean, I wasn't expecting to meet somebody who was 19 years younger me than me. I was not looking for somebody younger.I was looking for somebody my own. I want, it was very specific. I want Jewish, I want 40 plus professional. You know, you have a creation in your head. Right.What I ended up meeting was a 23 year old or 24 year old police officer. But he had his life together. I mean, he, I joke.He had a great credit score and he had a 401k, which was way ahead of a lot of the people that I was dating. So, you know, I. We didn't even ask each other our ages until I think about our fourth or fifth date. And then I was kind of like, wow, okay.I didn't expect that. I thought he was, I call him an old soul because he acts like he's 40, but he was in his 20s.

Right.

And that's what drew me to him, is that, that he was very mature. So when he meets my son, there's not a big age difference. There's a three year age difference.And my husband had his life together as much as he could at that time.And my son was still floundering with drugs and he was able to maintain a job, but he was dating the wrong people and involved with drugs and having car accidents and all this stuff. And my husband just didn't have the patience for it. So they didn't get along very well.And Amy has a house up in the northeast and she said, come up, I want to do a family thing. Bring Lorenzo. So we all went up there and Amy says, I'm heading out to the, to the flea market. I want the three of you to sit and talk.And we sat in her kitchen and I said, we're going to have the tough conversations. We're going to work through this. And at one point they started arguing. My son got up and said, I can't do this.And I grabbed his hand, I pulled him down, I said, we're not going anywhere. We're going to sit here until this is done. And he, and he looked at me and he said, I want you to adopt me. And he was already in his early 20s and.And I Said, I will make that happen. And my husband turned to me. He wasn't my husband at the time. And he turned to me and said, I don't know if I agree with that.And I looked at him and said, it's not up to you. This is one of the few decisions you and I are not going to make together.This is a commitment that I've made to my son, and it's bigger than what you and I are. And my husband, you know, did a double take.

Yeah.

And I could see my son relax. When I said, we will start the process, he relaxed. And they were able to have a conversation and shook hands and hugged and all that kind of stuff.And I went for a walk with my husband afterwards.And I said, so I don't want that to come across wrong to you, but the relationship I've had with him since he was 13 years old, and I do want to adopt him. I want him to be. I want to be legitimately his dad. And my husband said, you don't have to explain it. I was wrong.It's not up to me that you clearly came into the relationship at that moment with that relationship established. And I'm not going to interfere with that. I'm just going to try to make it work. There's many reasons why I'm with my husband.That is one of, One of the big reasons is that he gave me the space and understood what I was doing and, and. And respected me for it.

Yep.

So we did adopt. I, Amy, had adopted him, I think, when he was 19. I adopted him when he was 23. And we set precedent here at Miami Dade.The, the court, the judge was like, I don't even know if I can do this. And our attorney was like, yeah, court, according to section 523 6, you know. You know, and judge like, okay, let's do it.So you, you can adopt an adult at least. At least in Florida.

And, like, if they've already been adopted, you can still adopt them anyway, like, which is interesting. Like, he was already adopted by her, but you can also adopt him as his father. Oh, that's really cool.

Things. We don't know until we do.

Yeah. Yeah. So trailblazer. I love it.

So there. There was that situation with my husband and him, and to this day, they, they have a respect for each other when we're all together.They, they, you know, as we say kibbutz, they kid with each other, stuff like that. But my, My husband is as equally frustrated with him as I am.

Yeah.

You know, because my Husband has to.Has to go through the things that I go through with him, even though he's not his parent and my son doesn't call him a step parent, my son considers him to be an equal and respects him as such and vice versa.

Yeah, it's really challenging, and it's. I hear a lot about people giving up when it gets hard, like just being, like, just giving up.And I hear in your story that, like, though it was really challenging, you did not give up.

To this day.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. It's tough.

Yeah.

And very challenging.But I mean, if he was my birth son, I can't say I'm gonna give you up, but I can say, you know, there are certain situations with your mother and I are going to put our foot down and not be part of this journey.

Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you're dealing with an addict, so you have to understand what addicts do. You have to. You know, through Al Anon, I've been able to learn a lot of things that. And I.And Amy's doesn't necessarily agree with the things that Alanon teaches us, but. And. And she keeps falling for it. She keeps giving him money. She keeps falling. And I keep saying, please stop.

That's really hard.

Yeah, yeah. And she goes, I know I screwed up. She's. She's older than I am, so sometimes it's harder to break something you've done when you're a little older.And I. And I keep saying, don't do that. Even recently, he went to visit her in New York, and he was flying on his ex's.His ex is a flight attendant, so he's flying on his free pass. But, you know, it gets screwed up. And he ended up getting stuck, I think, somewhere. And he said, well, I can't get it. I can't. Can't get on a flight.And the most, if I pay for one, it's 400. I don't have the money. So she paid for that. Then he had to spend the night in a hotel, but of course a nice hotel because my son is bougie.So she paid for that. And then he had to Uber everywhere, you know, so. And she said, I got caught up in it. I'm like, I would have said, okay, there's no flights.Going home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go home. Yeah.

You know, I would not have paid for that. And. And he knows not to come to me for money.

Right, right.

I will love on him. I will be by. I will drive across the state to help him. He. He had an operation one time in Savannah where Amy was living.And I took the train up to Savannah and they waited for the operation until I got there because he wanted to have both his parents by his side. So he knows I'll be there, but I will not give him money.

Right. Yeah.

He called me from jail one time wanting me to bail him out and said. And didn't ask me. He told me to. I've never gotten a call from jail before. I'm like, what the. And he's like, you know, could you accept the car?So accepted. Say, hey, dad, I'm in jail. I'll tell you the story later. I need $1,600 to get me out. Can you. I'll tell you where to sell it.And I'm like, I need to know why you're in jail.

Yeah. A little bit more information, but please. Yeah, yeah.

And. And then he said, oh, I think I have it figured out. I'll call you back. And I. And he called three other times. I didn't pick up the phone.I wanted him to sit in jail and. And really have it resonate why he was there. You've got to hit bottom before you make changes in your life. And. And he didn't call his.He was trying to call his sister. Couldn't remember her number. And I called his sister and said, your brother's in jail. Do not bail him out. Let him stay there until his court date.I can't do that. She's an enabler. She helps out.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah. Yeah. Pitch for Al Anon. I Long, long term member of Al Anon myself. So I. I feel you.And I often say when people ask me how I got through foster care, I was like, I. Long term, long time member of Al Anon.And it just helped me so much, just dealing with the system in general, because it's like a big alcoholic and you just have to like, deal with. With it that way.And, you know, you've got to stay emotionally sober through the ups and the downs and stay in your lane and, you know, make your side of the street clean and all of that good stuff.So if anyone is struggling, I just want to mention, if you're struggling with addiction, if somebody in your family is struggling with addiction, there is help. And it's called Al Anon and it's totally free. And yeah. Ron and I are both living proof that.

Yeah. And I. With this. With his ex husband, I sat with him. There was a situation. I'm not Going to go into it.And his ex husband was at my house and I grabbed his hand and I said, I will go to Al Anon meetings with you. You need to know how to deal with an addict. And of course he didn't because he's an enabler as well. So.But I said, I will literally go to meetings with you every week. Yeah, but you gotta, you gotta be able to do the work.

Right, Right. Because nobody can do it for you.

You got to do it.

Yeah, totally. Totally. I love this conversation we're getting towards the end. And I do want to ask you about your business.

Yep.

The nasdf. Tell us again what that is and why you created it and all that good stuff.

So it's the national association for Single and Divorced Families. And the easiest way I can explain it is everybody knows who AARP is. So they provide product services and support for people who are 55 or older.And they advocate for Social Security, Medicare and elder fraud. So we tailored ourselves, you know, follow success. I follow their model, set up the company the same way.We're a nonprofit organization that offers an umbrella of product services, support and products to people who are in the process of getting a divorce or have a single family household. So what do you need when you're in the process of getting a divorce or you have a single family? Mental health care.We provide free mental health care.We provide career services, rent, real estate services with discounts, discounts for diapers, formulas, school supplies, computers, 247 doctor nurse hotline. I mean, it goes on and on and on.And then we also have developed the only insurance product in the world that guarantees child support and alimony payments for up to one year if the payer dies, becomes disabled, involuntarily, loses their job, or has to declare a business bankruptcy. We will cover those payments for up to a year.So the reason why I put the association together was because of the foster system and what I was going through. And at that time I thought, I have to give these kids a voice.When I would go to family court and see what these other families were going through and these other kids were going through.And I would talk to the ad litems and saw what their efforts were and everybody trying to put into these kids and the system failing, I thought, I have to have a voice that's big enough.So the same way that AARP advocates and lobbies for Social Security, you're not going to find a congressman who's going to make a change to Social Security without talking to aarp. That's where I want to be when it comes to foster care reform and family court reform.So our future advocacy, as soon as we're up to a certain number of members, is to be able to start lobbying in Washington for foster care reform.And I know some states are doing it so well that I want to be able to have a think tank of people that are doing it correctly and initiate those things into other states and start holding states accountable for these kids. My co founder, her passion is the prevention of intergenerational poverty.So there's again, a lot of great models that are working and we want to be able to initiate that into being able to fund and initiate those programs into other cities. So that was the purpose of putting the association together as well as being a resource for people that, that would.If you look up the word divorce on Google, you're going to see five pages of attorneys. It takes you forever to get to the coaches and the mediators and the other people that are, that are other less expensive ways to file for divorce.Or support groups, dad groups, mom groups, things like that. If you come to nasdf, it's all under our umbrella. You don't have to search. And it's only $19 a month. Wow.

Yeah, that's incredible.

Yeah, you get about five to six thousand dollars worth of discounts. I mean, it just keeps growing and growing for $19 a month more than pays for itself.

Just to clarify. So the members would be. Obviously anyone going through a divorce, it would be good for them to look into this.

Absolutely.

If you're a single person with a child, is, is that like who else is using these services?

So I've had people who are single with no children saying, can I join? I said, everybody can join because we all need mental health care. We all need discounts for.I mean, imagine you go to hire one of our realtors and you get 25% of their commission back at closing. As an offset to your closing costs, it's like a four or five thousand dollar savings if not more. You get early education discounts.So at La Petite Academy, Montessori, you grow. There's a ton of other schools that are under there. You get priority enrollment. You get a discount for enrollment fees. Why, why wouldn't you use it?Discounts for office supplies, school supplies. What I do is, I call it the Costco effect.The more members we get, the more retailers and companies are going to want to provide benefits and services to our people. So even companies like Aflac, they have great programs that they offer employer groups. But Not. Not individuals.

Right.

Well, if you're a member of our association, you get those employer benefits. And they have a ton of great stuff that can help offset your. Your deductibles on your health insurance and life insurance, but all bunch of stuff.So that will continue to grow as we grow. And that's why I'm excited about it right now.

Is it only in Miami or is it local to. It's all over anywhere in the U.S.

U.S. And we're trying to get into Canada right now. I need to see if our benefits are applicable in Canada.

Wow, that is really interesting. Now, would it make sense for a married couple to do like. If they think they're gonna.I don't know if it's only if they think they're gonna get divorced or.

If just if they want to participate in the benefits, go for it.

Huh?

Okay. You know, we are non political, non religious. We are middle line as we can so that. With this, so that everybody feels comfortable being in it.We realized that there were not enough dad support groups in there. We've now trying to incorporate more dad groups. There's mom support groups out there, dad coaches and, and specialists and mom special.You know, it's good for everybody. If you need a. If you need a sounding board, there's mom groups out there. If you need whatever, everybody can join it.It's like, again, AARP, you don't have to be 55, you can be 10 and join it. They don't care because you still get to participate. But they cater towards that group. Their advocacy is towards that group.Our advocacy is towards foster care and the prevention of intergenerational poverty. But everybody can join. We want to be able to tell people we're getting a divorce. We are a good source for you.And if you're a single parent, because you're going to clearly go from being married to a single parent, continue using.

Our resources and in terms of the connection with foster care. Just spell it out for me a little bit more like, are you. Is this the kind of thing.Are you working in conjunction with, like agencies to tell people about this so that they can get on board or how. What is that connection currently and what would you like to see?

Yeah, so the big picture is that once we achieve, say, 25,000 members or so, we will have the funds to go ahead and start the mastermind groups, as I call it. Again, there are good models that are working.We want to be able to bring those models into our, into our advocacy and bring those states that are having Trouble initiating some kind of success model and come up with an overall model that other states can follow and say this works. Here's what the cost is for the system, here's what you need to fund it. We don't have to take the guesswork out of it.Stop trying to think that you have a better system when it's not. When these people have it successful. There are, you know, I always like to say I don't want to be the brightest guy in my company.I want to bring people on that are better than me. That's kind of what I'm trying to do with the foster system is that there's, there are good working models.I want to be able to bring these people together under one roof and say this is what we're going to lobby for.

That's really exciting. And I know a lot of single people who are thinking about taking this journey.So it would, that would be really wonderful for them to check that out because oftentimes it's just like. But I don't know if I have enough money. I don't know if I have the support.And that sounds like a built in community of sorts and obviously help with money. So that's absolutely.

Yeah. You know, they always say there's an old Jewish saying that says children bring their own money.If you're in a position that says I don't know if I can afford it, look clear. Literally they're going to give you a check. But it's not a big check, you know, but it's enough to be able to substantiate having.If your heart is big enough to take in a child, then definitely try it.

I love that message. That seems like a great place to end it. Let us know, let the listeners know where they can find you online, where they can find the organization.

So it's nasdf.org is our website.Our social sites, which would be TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube is all under NASDF O R G. So you're going to see a bunch of great videos, interviews that I've had with dads, with moms, with therapists, with attorneys. Please check it out on YouTube. You'll see it on our Facebook page as well.In our Instagram pages you get to know me better as well as my co founder Joy, who's an amazing person. Check us out. NASDF. Org is our social. NASDF.org is our website and you're also going to see support insured on there.You'll see a tab for the insurance. It's very easy to apply.

Awesome. I will link to that in the show notes. And Ron, just thank you so much. It's been really great talking to you today.

Likewise. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy Stories of Non Traditional Families Born Born through Foster to Adopt Produced by Aquarius Rising. Original music composed by Joe Fulginetti.For more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster to forever.com that's from foster the number two forever.com and stay connected with us on Instagram at Foster to Forever Podcast. That's Foster the Number two Forever Podcast. We'll see you next time.