Bring Your Own Flashlight: A Former Foster Youth’s Journey to Healing

For me, that light at the end of the tunnel was never there. Some people always talk about there's a brighter light at the end of the tunnel. Keep on fighting, just keep on at it and you will see the light.But that light right now is dim. It was never there. So what I did was I brought my own flashlight.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti.

I am really, really excited to introduce our guest, cupidlove. Cupidlove is an author, he's a musician and a creator, and he's a former foster youth. Welcome.

Hello.

So happy to have you here tonight. I have to say you reached out to me a couple of months ago and I get a lot of reach outs and I, you know, I, I take everyone seriously.I, I, I look into them. I clicked on your music and I was like, wait, what? Like you're like, I'm a former foster youth and I'm doing this thing and I was like, oh, amazing.Like, I would support that regardless of what the project is because I just think it's so important for people to have an outlet and for foster youth to have a chance to get out there.And I will always support foster youth and do check out their stuff, but man, when I clicked on your stuff and then I went to the website and I saw like, he's got this whole original characters. He's got an. It looks like a graphic novel almost. Is it, would you call it a graphic novel? Is there a graphic novel component to it?

Not as of right now, but a lot of those books and stories come from animes or comic books that I've created.

I get that vibe. My, my daughter is 10 and she's super into anime. She's super into like all of that stuff.And she got on there and started doing the, the character creator and because you can like create your own character and it's just, it's really, really very cool. Anyway, all this to say this is a very long winded way of saying that I was very impressed with the quality of your work.

Thank you so much.

Obviously, the reason why you reached out and the reason why I was so excited is because you were formerly in the foster care system. And I think it's so important to elevate voices with lived experience.I really take that seriously and I think we can all learn from the people who actually were in the system, living it and what that experience was like. So if you are open to it, I would love to just talk about your time in foster care.How that started, what your life looked like before that and during that. As much as you want to go into.

Okay.

Or as little as you want to go into.

Well, I'll start off by reintroducing myself. Cupid. Love the world Bender.

Also known the world Bender. I'm sorry, I didn't get that.

Oh, it's perfectly fine. I'm currently 35. I grew up in St. Louis, Missouri. I entered foster care at a very, very young age at 2 months old.And I was in that system until the time I was emancipated. My parents were actually lost to addiction. And that actually made me lost to the system in which I believed all these years.So from the moment of two months up until the time I was aged out, I've never really felt like I had a safe place or forever home or something that I could call my own safety net. But picture this. Every few months you have a new home, or every few years you have a new home.New rules you have to follow, new faces you have to learn, a new bedroom, you have to organize. Sometimes you learn not to unpack all the way.Not because someone told you not to, but because you know deep down inside that some homes were actually good and cared about you. But the majority of the homes, especially with my experience, felt like they were just in it for the paycheck.They weren't really in it to, for my well being.And unfortunately for me, a lot of the years were like missed or like kind of like fade to black moment to where before the age of 10, those experiences I had were really traumatic. So I really don't remember a lot of those.And I really didn't find a decent foster home until I was around the age of 13, up until the time I was emancipated. Now when I did turn 14, there was this one woman who actually saw me not as a case file, but somebody who had potential.Because I was told that I wouldn't graduate high school. I was told I couldn't read. I was told a whole bunch of different things. But she saw through all that. And through that, it helped me.It helped me be able to use my creative vision, my imagination to create these worlds and a safe place for me to be able to escape to.

Did you start writing when you were that age? Did you start writing at like when I was 13?

When I was like a teenager, like 14, 15, 16. I actually started writing all this stuff down and stuff like that.Started building these worlds But I really didn't actually create or, like, publish any books from these stories until, like, the last few years, which I feel like, you know, it came late, but actually, I believe it came at the right time.

Talk about that. Why is it the right time right now?

Well, because before then, it was just about, how am I going to make it, how am I going to get through, how am I going to eat the next day, what am I supposed to do with my life? But now. But now I'm in a healing process. And this is a healing process that is ongoing and continuous.Because the healing process, to me is not like a destination on a map that you can just get to. The healing process is that road that you travel to reach that point.Even though you may never get to that point of being fully healed, you will always continue to heal and grow and become better and be able to deal with that a lot better.And at some point, I decided that not only are these stories good for me, not only was it escape for me, a place for me to be able to put all these thoughts and try to figure out the best option I have as far as, like, my healing, but I was able to create multiple books and multiple genres and music and podcasts and try to build this community, more specifically, this Forever Home project and this Haven Ridge, because this place, this fictional place called Haven Ridge, this dream is a safe place for kids of all ages.Even if you're aging out, even if you're just now, you know, entering the foster care system or group home system or the system in general, and you don't feel like you have that safe place, if you don't feel like you. Anyone is listening to you, and you don't have a voice and your voice is not heard. I hear you because I felt you. I've lived that experience.And this dream, even though this dream is a very expensive dream, probably cost billions of dollars to make this fictional place a reality. But it has to start somewhere. And for me, it started as healing.It started as a pathway for me to be able to look past all the trauma I had, look past all the doubters, to be able to find my own voice.

It seems like such a road from where you came from to here. And to be able to actually not just have the vision and the dream, but to actually be making that a reality in the material world is impressive.What do you attribute that to?

If you mind elaborating a little bit.

On that, what I'm asking is, like, how did you go from bouncing around from foster home to foster home, not having a place to call your own, then, okay, you got it. Sounds like you found some stability at 13.So was it really that foster family's or woman's guidance and help that put you on the right path, or did you have something innately in you that drove you to, like, you wanted to make this vision happen? Like, how did you actually get it into motion?

I would say a little bit of both, because, yes, she gave me some of those tools I needed, but to me, at that point, the damage was already done, and she's just trying to put band aids on it at this point.The strength and determination really came deep down inside of me because no matter how much she could have wanted it for me, I had to want it for myself. And I've been through the system, and I've seen a lot of other people who didn't choose that route.They were emancipated, and they either went further into substance abuse, or I know a lot of other people who just didn't make it out at all who decided that the end was better than trying to figure out how to survive it. And some others who went with the wrong crowd or. And probably. And I know that are, you know, sitting in jail right now to learn from their mistakes.For me, growing up, it definitely took a lot of me to be able to kind of, like, cut out all that noise and try to focus, even though I did have a lot of bumps and cries along the way.And even at 35, I'm still going through that, you know, trying to figure out the best move still, how to navigate and set myself up better for this world that we're living in. Because, like I've stated, I really didn't feel like I had those tools. I didn't feel like I had that guidance until late on.And that moment in between was, you know, very tragic.And when I did meet her, when she did come into my life, she definitely opened up my eyes to a lot of different things that I didn't know or that was never taught to me growing up in group homes and foster homes. So to answer your question, like I said, it'll be a little bit of both.

Yeah, I got you. Did you stay with her until you were emancipated? What happens after that?

So what happens after I get emancipated? I graduated high school with a 3.5, which no one expected me to do that, and I was able to do that. That's awesome.That was a big achievement because that literally put all those doubters all those people that said I couldn't make it, all those people that said I will be a statistic and end up like everyone else that put all of that behind me and let me know that no matter what someone says you can or can't do, you can achieve anything as long as you're determined to do it.

That's amazing. And then did you strike out on your own, or what was the next step for you? How did you make a living and figure all that out?

Well, I'm still trying to currently make a living right now, so.

I've been.

Going through a lot of things. I've been a chef. I've been a massage therapist. I've definitely tried a lot of different things to see what would actually work for me.So writing or making music wasn't always my first choice. It was always just an outlet for me.I just most recently started to turn that into something that is actually something that people can actually follow.And actually, you know, either take that within their life, whether they're in foster care or the system, or if they're a foster care provider, you know, that they. They can take this story, take this, my journey, and hopefully use it to be able to either improve theirs or help someone else improve that.Because sometimes people do get it confused and confuse me with an advocate. But all of this, to me, wasn't advocacy. It was a way for me to heal and grow.So if I could even help one person, if I could help one person realize that this dream of people being able to have everything they need whenever they're leaving foster care, whenever they're leaving a system, even if it's something small, that will help.And it will also give me the courage and strength to be able to reach out to more people, to see how many more people I can help establish their vision, establish their voice. Because following up on all of this, to me, I would say is kind of by accident, because I didn't plan to write books, I didn't plan to make music.But all of that came with time. Even though I don't feel like I'm where I need to be. Because, like I stated, I've been a chef, I've done so many other different things.Currently I'm working as a chef in two restaurants right now while I'm trying to maintain my creative empire, which is, you know, really tough.

But, yeah, the life of a creative, I. I can. I can attest. I mean, it's. Yeah, it's a hustle.It's a lot of hustle because you gotta make money, and you have to stay true to your vision and what you want to put out there. And it's a lot to juggle, and it gets exhausting.And, you know, it takes a certain kind of a person with a certain amount of grit to, like, hang in there and do it, you know?

And that's been a big thing for me because no matter how life seemed to always go against me, or no matter how I feel like life is tough or I can't make it through a certain situation, I always do. I always feel I find that strength inside of me to pull through, no matter what I'm going through.Because not only do I know there's people who have it worse, people that are continuously suffering in the foster care system. For example, most recently, I read a story about this woman, this woman named Yani, who ended up losing her child in the system.Child was only three years old, and she was taken away from that child mainly because, you know, they were separated in the system. Not nothing. Any wrongdoing on her part, but the child was taken.And she was told she couldn't even take pictures with her own child, so she couldn't even share those memories with her own child before she. Before her child ended up passing away in the system at 3 years old.And there was this other kid that really got me that was in 18 different foster homes in one year. Now I've been to, like, 20 different foster homes, but there was over a span of years in my whole entire life in the foster care system.So for this kid to have to experience that kind of pain and turmoil and that indecisive feeling of like, where do I. Where I belong? Does anybody care about me? Am I gonna find something stable? That really hit home for me.

So when did you decide that you would want to? Because whether you say you're an advocate or not, you really kind of are. You know, I mean, are you. You know what I mean?Like, you kind of are doing that work, which I think is beautiful. When did that. When did it click that you wanted to help other people through your art?

Most recently, because I. I most recently had a revelation after, you know, I was creating all these different stories and books and music and stuff.And I was at first, when I first started creating these stories, it was to give voices to, you know, African Americans who really didn't have a voice in different genres like fantasy, dark romance, and things of that nature.But then I really looked deep inside the literature that I was writing, and I realized that every story comes from A character that has no lineage, no family, comes from a broken home, either from an orphanage or his family was killed or something like that.Or every story had a presence of like this main character who is looking for belonging, looking for a home, looking for something he can latch onto, meanwhile fighting a system that was built against him. But eventually he always succeeds or they always succeed and actually come out on top of at that moment.Once I realized that, I realized that this story just is a lot deeper than me trying to give, you know, voices to those African American characters. It's a lot deeper than those fantasy or romance stories. It actually came from a stronger place. And that was me never feeling like I had a home.Me never really feeling like I had a place to belong, a place to grow and a community of people who felt or lived the same experience I did. And that's when I decided that I'm more than just a person that's healing from my journey.I'm more than just a person that has this lived experience and speaking out through it with music and art and books and things of that nature. I'm someone who can actually touch other people and give other people that healing that they never had or put people in that right direction.Because so many times or so many kids I've seen get just when they age out, they're just thrown to the wind with no guidance, no help.And that's not good because when you're in a system like that, you may not be killing that person physically, but mentally, you're destroying that person. And this is not to say that foster care is bad, because it does help, because there's so many kids in every state.Half of those kids can't even get a foster home because it's overpopulated and there's not enough funding and stuff or not enough homes for these kids. But there definitely should be eyes on it because there's so much tragedy going on.Most recently, within the last three to five years in North Carolina alone, there's been like 60, 70 foster care kids that have ended up dead. And to me, even just one shot is unacceptable.Another story about a girl who was in custody in the actual building of a social service office and she got abused, which is insane, because that's the only place that she's supposed to feel safe. That is, if not any place, that is a place she's supposed to feel safe and feel like she has people to protect her and look after her well being.And they couldn't even do that.So not to say that foster care is bad and that it should be gotten rid of, but it definitely needs a reform, and people need to look into it and figure out how to actually help instead of just covering everything up with a band aid.

Absolutely. Well said.

I'm sorry. Sometime I get on these tangents and random.

No, don't apologize. I love it. No, you have so much to say, and I'm. I'm. I really am here for it. Uh, tell me about your name. So, Cupid love the world, Bender. Like, how.Where did you come up with that? Tell me about it. Any kind of an origin story. I love names and I love to name things, so I'm always interested.

Well, Cupid Love, always something that I created when I was a teenager. It was a nickname for myself because I was always looking for that love. And if I couldn't find that love that I was looking for, I made it myself.So that's why it was just a long story that I ended up sticking with as an author, and I just stuck with that name. The world, Bender, is when I actually became an Arthur and a creator. And that's because I tend to bend worlds in reality.So I take though this reality that I'm living in when I was younger, and I didn't feel like it was really meant for me. Every turn, it seemed like it was some trauma or there was nothing that ended up right.So when I did use my imagination to create worlds, to create myself in a different place, that, to me, is a world, Bender. Because I was able to bend this world, that didn't show me the love to create a world that I could be loved that endless.A world that I can actually control the outcome to.Not a world that I'm living in to where I'm looking over my shoulder or trying to figure out how I'm going to get my next meal, or growing up in foster care, if the home that I'm going to is going to be just as bad as the last. Bending these worlds, creating these universes was not only a way to heal, but I was able to put myself somewhere different.No matter how bad I was, I was feeling at that time, no matter how much trauma was going through my mind or even the stuff that I kept deep down and locked away that I can barely remember now, being able to bend those worlds was able to give me, like, a brief amount of time to where I can still heal, but at my own pace.

Sure, yeah. Tell us the premise of this project in particular, so that the listeners kind of understand what it's about.You've mentioned it, but I think it's worthwhile to just explain it a little bit more so people can really follow it. And also, let's give the website right now.So if somebody's listening and they want to, like, listen and look it up while they're listening, we could do that.

Okay.So if you're looking specifically about the Forever Home Project and the Safe Home Chronicles, you can find that on foreversafehome.com if you were looking for my complete inventory.If you just want a really good story and you're looking for, like all of my works as far as music, books, comics, things of that nature, you will head over to blackfacemedia.com now a little bit about this Safe Home Chronicles story. Forever Home. So picture you're a kid around 9, 10 years old. You're sitting in the corner of a room.Everyone around him is gone, passed away from overdose. And they're not coming back. But the boy is sitting in the corner. He's quiet. He's not screaming. He's just sitting there watching, still.Because somewhere along the way, he learned that staying still and keeping quiet keeps you alive. And that is not a metaphor. That is how the book opens. That is how the book starts. Now, Takim and most of this story is very silent.He doesn't speak, and he communicates through writing.He eventually gets rescued from this abandoned building by the Haven Ridge Task Force, which takes him to a place called Haven Ridge, where pieces of him start to come back. He starts to remember a girl from his past that he grew up in, in foster care, who's also happened to be rescued by Haven Ridge.He becomes a star on the basketball team where, like, his skills shine on the basketball court and everybody knows his name. He has people that are sharing his name, things that he never had before. He feels like he's in a place to where he belongs.So this story follows him growing up in this place called Haven Ridge, where when he enters, he's into the youth section, to where this is a big community, to where in this particular section there's multiple houses. And each house has a set of five kids. But these five kids will become brothers and sisters to where their family unit.And they end up seeing these kids in school, seeing these kids around town. We call them in the story the Haven 5. When he's there, it is hard for him because he doesn't speak.And people that also grew up in foster care and who were rescued from these traumatic experiences, they're there too. And they're all trying to figure Things out together.But the difference is they have group of people who are there to help them, help them grow, help them deal with all those challenges. This is a journey. This is his healing process that you're going to see.This story is full of laughs, full of drama, but also full of healing and belonging. That's what I was missing growing up, that I never really felt like I fully received. But in this story, he gets all of it.He gets everything that I wish I had.

So you've got a soundtrack there that goes with this, with the Chronicles, right? Is that how it works? And is the listener supposed to listen at a certain time when they're reading this book? The different tracks, Is it like that?

It is not like that. That is an amazing angle that I may work in later on down the road.

You're welcome. I'll expect my cut. No, I'm only kidding. I'm just kidding. But I do think that would be cool.

And I'll have to figure out how to work out that. Work that out to make sure that it flows properly.

Right.

But as far as the music, it is just something that people can listen to because I love music as well, and I also love reading and listening to stories. And for my audience, I believe that they love music as well. These artists tell a story through their songs.So each one of these songs is either comes from a piece of this story or. Or a piece of an emotion created by the story.

Sure.

So that's what you're getting in this soundtrack.

Who were the other artists that are on the music, and how did you find them? And is it just your friends or how did you do that? Because they sound very talented.

Also, these are friends that I was able to meet along the way. For a majority of them, they just love really good music and, like, they're willing to help me out anytime I need it.So normally I could send over lyrics or send over a hook to them and. And tell them, like, this is what I'm trying to create.This is what I'm trying to build for this particular chapter, or I would like this particular song for this part of the album. And they normally come back to me with their addition.Now I will clean it up and send it back to them and let them know or ask them if this is what they like, if they're comfortable with the sound because it will be released, and then I release it. Right now, I'm still dealing with all the marketing and stuff because I'm always so busy. And a lot of this stuff I do mostly by myself.So trying to get all this stuff together and get all this stuff out has definitely been a struggle, but they've been very patient with me.

Where did you get those skills?

When I was growing up, so there was a time actually met one of my biological sisters because I met a couple of them along the way. But I have a really big family, 11 brothers and sisters and stuff. So it's a really big family.We all were separated, but I was able to meet some of them. And one of them had a boyfriend who was definitely into, like, studios and creating music.So I stepped and I learned everything from him about how to produce music, how to mix and master and things like that. So eventually, over the last 15 or so years, I've been honing that skill.

That's so great. Wow. And did you stay in touch with your biological family at all?

Yes, I'm in touch with them now. My relationship with them isn't as strong as I like because, like I've stated multiple times, this is.I'm still dealing with my healing journey and this is still part of my healing process. And I was always a loner. Even now I'm a. A really big loner and a very big introvert.So for me to be able to reach out to my family and talk to them has always been a struggle for me. Even though I know they love me and care about me. And when I do reach out to them, they show me the utmost support and care.But that's something that I still struggle with myself.

And did they get in touch with you or did you seek them out?

A little bit of both, because one of my older sisters always kept in contact with my newer foster mother and stuff like that. So we was always had close contact. And she's the link to the rest of my family. She knows the complete rest of the side of my family. So she was like.She was my intuitive way to even meet everyone else, my mother, my other sisters and brothers and stuff like that. Oh, thankfully.And that is the same sister that I did, you know, have sisters some moments with, you know, I was in some foster homes with, but not many. So she's the one that I always either had on my visiting list or something like that. So I've always had contact with her.

What is that like to be separated from your. Your siblings? Like, I guess you were. You were so young when it first happened. You said you were like a baby. So did you miss them or did you just.Because you never really knew anything. You didn't really. Did you have Attachments with them. What was that like?

And that. And that's the thing that I did struggle with is because I didn't have any attachment. I really wanted one. I really like.Every time I either got switched to a new home or went to or I got a call or a social worker came to talk to me, I was hoping that they was, like, going to tell me we found another brother and sister or, you know, you can, you know, finally now be able to meet your mother and things of that nature. But none of that stuff ever came.And for me, growing up in my adult years, I do believe that that did have some kind of psychological effect on me that kind of forced me more towards being an introvert and being a loner, more so than me actually going out and seeking this love. To me, at that point, my mom was like, no one loves me. No one cares about me. I have to do this myself.Even though in the back of my mind I'm like, I know they care about me. Even to this day, they're asking me when I'm going to come back to St. Louis, because I moved away eight years ago just so I can find myself.And I stayed away even though I wanted to go back every year and even made promises some years that I was going to come back, but I didn't make that leap yet. And hopefully I can do that this year. Yeah, it's a process play, a pivotal moment in my adulthood, because I still want that connection.I still want that love and support, knowing that they have my back no matter what. And like I said, even though it's there in my head, like, in the back of it, like towards the forefront, I still feel, like, alone.I still feel like who's listening to me? Is my voice gonna be heard?Am I ever gonna find that place to where I can just sit back, relax, and know that I have an actual family, an actual forever home?

Did you stay in touch with the foster mom?

Yes, I actually talked to her last week.

Oh, nice.

And she had a couple other foster brothers I grew up with. And that's another one of my lived experience.I think I brought up a little bit earlier, like, one of the foster kids that, you know, she raised with me when I was that age, you know, 13 and up. He recently, I don't know if we can say that, but unalived himself.And then another went 15 to 20 years because he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. And they end up trying to rob someone for their shoes, and they end up killing that person. But he did he wasn't the gunman, but he was there.So, like. So she's going through a lot right now because she feels like she didn't do the right job.And I'm trying to reassure her and let her know that you did a perfect job, because it really helped me out. And even though, unfortunately, it didn't work out for them. You taught me the same things you taught them. They chose their own path.You're not in control of the path they choose for themselves. You can only lay down the groundwork. And fortunately for me, I actually listened. I took those lessons.Whatever she was teaching me, yeah, there was some pushback because I was an adolescent growing up, and I really wanted to do things my way. But those important things, I did listen to her, and that's why I can say that's where I'm in the place I am now.Even though there's still a lot more to achieve and a lot more to do. But she definitely set me on the right path. Mm.

I hope she listens to this podcast.

I'm definitely gonna have her listen to it.

That's cool. You know, we have so many listeners who take in teens, and it's a difficult. It ends up being a really difficult road.Many of the times, not all of the time, but a lot of times. I'm wondering, what made you trust her? What was it about her that was different than all the other foster homes before that?

Honestly, my mental state at that time, I was tired. I was tired of going to foster home from foster home, getting neglected, abused, treated like I didn't matter.So when she showed me just a little bit of support, a little bit of care, the things that I've never, ever received before, I started to trust her. Not even really by, like, my own choice. I just started to trust her. She started. And she was.I told her what I wanted to do when I grew up, and I was like, yeah, I just want to, you know, run the streets, do this, do that, you know, make money doing this, that. And she was like, that's a terrible idea. You're not going to do that. You're gonna get your life together. Like.And one of the things that is really important that she did is when I entered high school, she told me to take typing fast. She was like, you're gonna learn how to talk. And I was like, I don't want to do that. That's. That's stupid. Who wants to do that?

But I did it anyways.

Became really good at it, and, wow, that helped me when it When I started to, like, write books, when I started to publish, when I started to, like, edit my own content and things of that nature, I contribute that to her because without her having me do that, I would have never started writing if she didn't supply me with those books that I've read when I was younger. Like, books like the Coldest Winner Ever or Makes Me Want to Holler by Nathan McCall.Like, if I didn't read those books growing up, if she didn't hand me those books because she was also told that I couldn't read. And she was like, that is bs. I know you can read. I know you can do it.So when I started reading and started relaying and comprehending those books and actually be able to tell her what these books are about and things like that, she was impressed. But, like, she already knew I could do that, right?

And that's incredible. She believed in you.

So I've read a lot of books, and it would be unfair for me to say that all those books and stories that I've read did not contribute to the stories that I create now, because they all did everything. Those books, those that lived experience that I had, Even when things actually was able to mellow out into a peaceful moment.When I actually met her and started listening and started actually healing. Because that's when the process of healing actually started, is when I got there. Because before then, it was just complete chaos.And I didn't even know if I would have made it. But here I am today, right? And I can attribute that to her as well as myself.Because like I said, it definitely took a lot of me to be able to focus and listen. Because there are so many who don't. With her help and my own persistence, I was able to find my way through.And for me, that light at the end of the tunnel was never there. Some people always talk about there's a brighter light at the end of the tunnel. Keep on fighting. Just keep on at it, and you will see the light.But that light right now is dim. It was never there. So what I did was I brought my own flashlight.And by me bringing my own flashlight, I was able to guide myself and follow my own light. So even if I never make it to that light, created my own.And what this Haven, Ridge and Forever Home project is, is I encourage everyone to bring their flashlight. Cause with all of our lights together, our light will be bigger than whatever light may be at the end of the tunnel. We can create our own destiny.We can create our own path. No matter, no Matter what's put in front of us, no matter if we only see a sliver of light.

Yeah. Do you ever work directly with youth? Because it seems like you would be so good at that, and they would just look up to you so much.

I do not.So, like I stated, like, this revelation just came to me about me being able to help people, because at first it was just my right, how I'm gonna heal, how I'm gonna become better. So, like, just most recently, less than a year, I thought that maybe I can help someone else. So this is all still fresh and new to me. Yeah.So I'm still trying to find my voice, find my audience that actually can resonate with this and, you know, actually feel the things that I've been through, but also encourage them to want to make this change, to want to help other people who are growing up in foster care right now who still may be in abusive foster situations, kids that have aged out, that don't know where they're going, don't know what life has in store for them. And it's not for them to figure out right away, because God forbid. It took me a while. I'm still trying to figure it all out, but it starts somewhere.And that somewhere is taking out that flashlight, making sure there's batteries in it, and turning it on.

Extraordinary, really. Are you a person of faith and spirituality or no? Not that I have a thought on either one. I mean, I have many thoughts, but, like, I'm just curious.

I was raised in Christian households and. And things like that. As far as my faith now, I wouldn't necessarily call me Christian, but I am spiritual.And I do believe in a divine power and a divine purpose. And at first, I didn't know what my purpose was.I thought my purpose was just to create these stories for people to be interested in enough to buy and fall in love with. But my deeper purpose that I'm starting to realize is that I can actually help.I can actually help people heal that wouldn't have never gotten that chance to heal, Just like I got that chance that I thought I would never have. And even though it never fully helped healed me. It helped. And that's what I want to do for other people. I want to help.

I feel it. Like, I really feel it. I see it like I see the light. I see the light inside of you, and it shines so brightly. And that's really cool.Tell me about your other projects, what you're working with. All different kinds of organizations. It looks like Foster Love Pact. Tell me about all of your work with them.

Any amount of sales that I get, a certain percentage of any profit that I make is going to be donated to those organizations.

Nice.

Because that can help someone to where I can't directly help them myself. These funds or this contribution will be able to help them in some kind of excellent.

What's your advice to youth who are still in the system or maybe recently aged out? What, what advice would you give to them?

My advice for them is never give up. You are not what happened to you. You're not what you're going through right now.You're bigger and better than everything that you've experienced or may briefly experience in your future. And more importantly be your own healing process. Because you can talk to as many therapists as you want.You can talk to as many counselors, as many friends, as many family members. But the real healing starts inside yourself. And you really have to sit down and talk with yourself and figure out what you actually need.The things that are not given to you, even if you figure out that they won't be given to you and you actually have to create them or go out there and figure out the closest things to be able to get these things you need. You have to do it. And you're going to get a lot of people that tell you that you can't do it.You're going to get a lot of people that tell you just to give up or you're going to have those friends and people that try to pull you into the wrong direction. The most important thing is you got to keep your flashlight on.Like it's important to have a flashlight and to be able to create your own, your own healing, your own story, your own life. But having that flashlight is only half the battle.If you never have it on, if that light is never showing you've gotten you where you need to go, then you're still going to be stuck in that same place. So my advice is grab your flashlight, make sure the batteries are working, turn it on. Hopefully you can see a little bit of what I see.

Thank you. That's so great.And what about since most of our listeners are in fact people who are either interested in fostering, fostering to hopefully possibly adopt what is your or maybe currently in that situation. Any advice or words of wisdom for them?

Absolutely. So the main thing is, where do I start? Don't do it for a paycheck.Don't do it just because you feel like you're doing a good deed, helping out because it's so Much bigger than that. Try to show up consistently. Because that's one thing most of us never had.We never had something that's consistent, something that we can look forward to the next day and the next day and the next day. And I know a lot of these foster parents in a lot of these homes, they get kids that act out or they perceive these kids as bad kids.But just hear me out. Like, when a kid acts out, it's not because the kid is bad. The kid is probably scared.That kid probably has so much trauma that they have built up that they don't even know how to handle. Me, as an adult is still struggling to try to handle those things. So just be patient with them.Try to see through all that noise that they may create. Because deep down inside, there's a kid that is struggling. A kid that needs you.A kid that never had love, a kid that never had that feeling of someone to be there all the time, that actually wants them to succeed, that wants them to do well. Like, for the majority of my foster care, I didn't have that.So if you can give that to that child, if you can help this child by trying to set them up with tools, like, I didn't know how to balance a checkbook. I didn't know how to budget. I didn't know how to deal with, like, friendships and relationships. Like, I never really had that. So by.By being able to help kids, giving them those kind of experiences, not just being there and letting the kid run wild doing whatever they want to do. No, like actually be there, be consistent, be there for that kid because he needs you, she needs you.So many more kids that will even not even be able to get a foster home because there's not that many out there. So for the ones, the foster homes that are out there, they need to be tip top.They need to be at a higher level, because there's half of the kids in the world that won't get that.Who's, you know, being shuffled through, like, social service offices or being shuffled through group homes or orphanages and will never or might not get that chance. And we'll be aged out, enthroned and cast to the wolves. Try to help, do what you can to help, because they need it.And I know there's good ones out there because I received one, I got one. Even though I went through like 19 ones that were not, I finally was able to find one. And I know there's more of them out there, so.And I know even if you want to be a Parent. If you are a current parent. I know that's how. That's the kind of foster parent you want to be.Like, treat that kid as if that kid came from your own flesh. Because that's what my late foster mom did for me. And that's what helped me. Because at first, I didn't think anybody cared.So I was like, should I even care about myself? But that little brief time span of those years showed me that there are people that care about you.And even if you don't quite open up to them, people right away, because I didn't. It took me a while to open up to her, but once I did, I felt so relieved. And that's when it all clicked and started for me.And if you can give that to another child, you can give that even to a teenager. Even if you get a teenager in your career, there's still time. It's not a moment where they're like, oh, you're running out of time, or it's too late.Even if they were, like, 17, they only had one more year with you. That one year can make a difference.

Beautiful. Thank you. I think that's a great place to end. I thank you so much for your time. I'm so honored to have you on.I'm so glad that you reached out to me, and I'm just wishing you all the luck and support and love and money for your projects and everything and more than your wildest dreams. I truly mean that.

Thank you so much. And I definitely would like to stay connected with you because no telling what you know, how our paths can cross again.

Absolutely.

Podcast definitely could have you narrate some stories for me.So, like, I definitely would love to keep that line open as well as, you know, you might know some other people dealing with this same issue or people in this community that I don't have access to right now. And I would love to have access.

That's right.

To be able to reach those people. And I do. Thank you for bringing me on. Absolutely. I sent out tons of emails, and not a lot of people reached back out to me.So I do appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me and hear my voice, because, again, you show me that people are interested in my voice. People do want this message to get out, and people do care.And I shouldn't stop because there's so many times me trying to post content, me, you know, spending money in these ways to try to make content and things like that, and it's really discouraging.But this right here other stories of people actually caring and wanting to get the story out that makes a difference to help me keep on going and letting me know that my healing process for me is not in vain and that is working for me and it can potentially work for somebody else if I keep on working at it. So I appreciate you and thank you so much for bringing me on.

Absolutely. We will definitely stay in touch. Tell them one more time where they can find you. I will also post it in the link on the show note. Go for it.Where can they find you?

So if you are looking for music you can always check out my Spotify Playlist which is Blackface Radio which we add more songs about all the artists that collaborate with Blackface Records. You can also find our audio series called Deadly Confessions on Pocket fm. Just search Deadly Confessions.If you're looking for our whole Forever Home project in our universe. Like she stated, that website has so much stuff you can do on it. That is Forever Safe home dot com.And if you're looking for everything like all of my books, all of my music, anything that I'm working on could be things I worked on years ago, could be things I'm working on in the future. That would be blackface media.com I love.

It, I love it, I love it. We'll definitely stay in touch. And yeah, thank you so much for having me.

This has been awesome.

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt, produced by Aquarius Rising. Original music composed by Joe Fulginetti.For more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster to forever.com that's from foster the number two forever.com and stay connected with us on Instagram at Foster to Forever Podcast. That's Foster the Number two Forever podcast. We'll see you next time.