Finding Her Son After 47 Years: Birth Mother Janet Munro Shares Her Story

But when I went to bed that evening, there was a message on Facebook. He trended me. And I thought, oh my goodness, he's read the email already. And I didn't really know what to do.But when I woke up the next morning, there was a message for me saying it would be really okay to call. And he gave me his number. And it's kind of scary when you get that message because you wonder what you're going into. Are you opening Pandora's box?What's he going to say? Is he mad? Is he angry? Or is he accepting? Or. You have no idea because nothing has been said except it was really okay to call.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti.

I'm so happy to introduce our guest today, Janet Monroe. Janet Monroe is the host and creator of the Roots and Branches Adoption Stories podcast. She is also a birth mom.And we're so honored to have you here today, Janet. Welcome.

Thank you so much for having me, Rachel. I'm honored to be here as well.

I actually just was a guest on your podcast, Janet, and I wonder if you can tell the listeners. It's a really wonderful podcast, by the way. You should check it out. I'll put the link in the show. Notes. What made you start the podcast?

Well, being a birth mom, giving birth back in 1970, that was a time when life was difficult for an unwed single woman. Right. I was 21 years old and made the decision that I would put my child up for adoption. From there, many years went by, life went on.I always knew at some point that I would find him, that I would look for him. But the circumstances didn't happen until 2017. In 2015, my husband passed away from cancer. Exactly 365 days later, my dad passed away.And it was when I was getting my dad's house ready to sell and that I found a file folder with my name on it. And then it was a letter from the adoption agency, dated in 2004, where they were looking for information about me.So that was my starting point and I was able to go through them to find my son.

The adoption agency was looking for you?

Yes.

And your, your father had had that, but hadn't told you about that.

He, he had called me one day and mentioned it, but he never took it any further. It was just like a very brief conversation and that timing wasn't right.So after my husband passed away and then my dad passed away, And I had this letter to start a search. That's what I did. And it was almost a year later when I got a letter back from them saying that they were unable to find my son.But his name was Dwayne Tabinsky, and this was his last known address. And I sat there and I looked at it. My first thought was, thank goodness it's not John Smith.And what do you do when you have a name at that point in time? 2017? You Google.

Right.

And I Googled his name, and he just happened to have a posting from a real estate agent who had just sold a house to Dwayne Tabinsky in Nashville, Tennessee. And his name came up in blue. So I clicked on it, and it took me to his Facebook page. So I got to scroll that and see some information about him.Found out where he worked, went onto the work page. There was a video that he had produced where he was in it, showing how certain musical equipment worked because he was in the audio sound business.And I thought, that's my son. That was the first time I saw him.

Could you tell by looking? Like, just looking at him? You were like, that's definitely my son.

Yes. Yes. And then I forwarded it to my daughter, who confirmed, because he looked more like me than my other two children did.And I sent him a message on Facebook. He didn't respond. In fact, I thought he blocked me, to be honest.So I waited a couple of months because the family and I, we were headed down to Florida. We were going to Orlando. My daughter, husband, two kids, and my son, and a few other family members, extended family members.And I thought I could stop in on. We were driving dad. So I thought I could stop in on Nashville on the way home. So it was at. We were going towards the end of May.So at the end of April, I said, okay, I've got to figure out how to get in touch with him to see whether or not the timing is right. So I went back in, and I was going to send him a snail mail and figured that would get there.But his work did not have a business address on his work website, but he did have an email address there. So I sent him an email, and it was a Saturday night. And I'm thinking I was a typical business person.Well, no, I shouldn't say typical, but I was an older business person who worked Monday to Friday. So therefore, I kind of expected an answer to my email message on Monday when people go to work, you know, because.And I thought to myself after I sent the email, okay, I'VE got until Monday to figure out what I'm going to do now if he answers. But when I went to bed that evening, there was a message on Facebook. He trended me. And I thought, oh, my goodness, he's read the email already.And I didn't really know what to do. But when I woke up the next morning, there was a message for me saying it would be really okay to call. And he gave me his number.And it's kind of scary when you get that message because you wonder what you're going into. Are you opening Pandora's box? What's he going to say? Is he mad? Is he angry? Or is he accepting? Or. You have no idea. Because nothing has been said.Yes, except it was really okay to call.

It's a good sign. Yeah.

That's what made me pick up the phone and call him. So I did. He told me three things right off the bat. First thing he says, I'm okay. I'm happy. I'm at a good point in my life.I don't need anything from you. I'd really like to get to know you. Perfect. Second thing he said was, thank you for giving me life.And the third thing he said was, you have three grandchildren and five great grandchildren.

Wow.

And that was like a tsunami of emotions that hit me all at once. You know, like everything that I had missed, I never imagined, because to me, he was still a little baby. I'd held him for a few minutes.I hadn't seen any of this growth. I hadn't seen any of these changes in him, hadn't seen any of that, and couldn't imagine it.And all of a sudden, I have three grandchildren and five great grandchildren. And I'm thinking, wow, you know, you missed on all this.It took me a long time to get through those emotions and realized that I wouldn't have the life I had today if it. If things had been different. And I always believe that we're meant to be where we're meant to be. You know, timing is everything.And I know that he had. He had good adoptive parents. He was happy with them. He loved them. He always wondered why he was different from them.You know, like why he would like to take things apart and put them back together, including his mom's washing machine. I heard that story from both him and his mom, but nobody else in his family tinkered.We decided that my dad's part only because my dad was an electrical engineer.So to get back to how I started roots and branches, Dwayne and I, we Always said we had a Oprah story or a Hallmark movie of the week kind of story, but unfortunately it didn't end well. He was killed in a workplace accident on June 30, 2023 in Chicago.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, he, he was doing audio sound, had a contract with NASCAR and was setting up the pre race show in Chicago for that weekend. And he was electrocuted and gone so, so fast. It was a shock to everyone.And so it took me a couple of years to start it, but we'd always wanted to tell the story. And he decided I was going to do a podcast. Had no idea what I was doing. Had no idea.I remember recording my first one, which was kind of my story, and telling why it had started. And I probably recorded a dozen times. And then someone said, janet, just do it and get it out there.Because if you don't get it out there, you never will. And it's grown, it's almost a year old. And I was trying to do one a week, didn't succeed with that, but came close.There'll be 44 out before the year is up, so I could have made it season one and season two, but congratulations. Yeah, I just left.

It's all an experiment, you know.

Yes. And I had great people, including yourself. And it's absolutely amazing the stories that people have to tell. And I try to pick stories.Well, I don't say I pick the stories. I'll take tell anyone's story. But there's always something in everyone's story that is different that makes it stand out.You know, whether you're adopted at 52, find out at 52 you've been adopted, or find out at seven different feelings that people have. So every story focuses on kind of one thing.

So you focus on all different sides of the adoption constellation. Right. So you talk to other birth mothers, you talk to adoptive parents and to adoptive children, I would imagine as well.

Right. That's why I called it Roots and branches.Because the roots, basically the birth parent, the adoptee and the adoptive parents and the branches of the far reaching effects, which includes it can be a brother, a sister, it could be aunts, uncles, it could be grandparents, it could be anybody who has anything to do with it. It extends into the foster care. So there's so much more. And actually I'm planning on expanding the branches more with people who can help.Psychologists and social workers.

Sure.

Other parts of that as well. So that's kind of spinning in my head at the moment. I enjoy it. I enjoy meeting the People who are all part of this adoption constellation.And most importantly, I find it healing for myself and for them as well. Mm.

Mm. Can you talk more about that? How, what, what has changed since you started the podcast? What has changed for you by doing that?

More about knowing exactly what's out there. Knowing that adoption is not always the right answer. Knowing that adoption is now a billion dollar, 30 billion dollar industry.There's just so much more to it than what we knew back in 1970. You know, 1970 had the perfect adoption family. Everybody, mom, dad, and they've adopted a child with two children to have their niche family.And they're looked, they're looked up to because they have adopted children and they've gone out of their way to make a home for other children.

Right?

Yeah, but that's really not. Not the scenario it should be. The scenario should be more about the child, right?

Yes.

And how important that child is, because that's what adoption should be about. Making sure that the child is okay and that they're taken care of. And that's what you say as well. That's the way you feel about your children.And that's so important. And I see that in my son's adopted family, his mom and dad, they were looking out for their children.They adopted Dwayne and they also adopted a daughter and that gave them that perfect family, you know, mom, dad and two kids, which was standard back back then, and middle class family. You know, he worked in the jail in Winnipeg and she had a life very similar to mine.She and I worked at the same insurance company at the same time, though we didn't know each other.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. And then she went into hospitality and I did as well. And then she managed a furniture store for 30 years and I owned and operated one for over 40.So our lives were very parallel. We both had the same red hair, kind of looked a bit alike. She's a wonderful lady. I'm still, still keep in touch with her.And she was great for Dwayne, you know, she was a great mom. And he loved both her and his dad fiercely. So.

Yes. Take us back to when you were that 17 year old girl, I think you said you were 17.What did you know who was going to adopt your child or what was the scenario though there, what happened? And did you know where he went or you just had no idea?

No idea.I find that one of the things that say a child is looking for their birth parents, one of the things that they really need to do is to listen to what Their birth mother's life was like, I don't have any preconceived conceptions. You know, I have a little note on my computer that I see every morning saying the most expensive item that you can own is a closed mind.And I think I read that every day because you have to be open minded. And any adoptee who's looking, they have to be open minded.They can't go on stories that they've heard because nobody really knows what was in the birth mother's mind mind at the time when that choice was made or whether she actually got to make that choice of someone who made it for her.

Right.

So I had a good life. I, you know, I've had a great life. I, it's fantastic. People will probably say I had a dream life.I was born in England, my mom was a stay at home mom. My dad was an electrical engineer. I had an older sister.And that was at a time when people worked for one company and stayed with one company for forever. You know, I think that's very difficult to imagine today. But my dad had worked with this company for 25 years.He'd finished school, went straight to that company. He was an apprentice for being an engineer, went to school at night, went away to war for was in India, stationed in India during the war.Met my mama when he was home on leave, at a dance, and she waited for him to come back. They got married in 1946, had my sister, then I came along and he went back to the same company. They held the job for him while he was away.He had the war and then he had an accident in the workplace, broke his leg, smashed his neck. And there was an incident about that. So he ended up feeling that his company had known something and didn't react the right way.And he felt kind of cheated by them. So he ended up leaving and moving to Canada, immigrating to Canada because he had a job here. And my mom, he came in 1957.My mom, my sister and I came in 1958. We took the Queen Mary over from Southampton to I believe it was Ellis island in New York.Because when we landed we, we were in this big room and there was these letters overhead, A, B, C. And you went and sat under your letter and that's where your luggage came. I always remember that.I remember my mother, my sister and I, we were sitting on a bench and the American children were running around like crazy, having a good time and getting rid of energy. And my sister and I are just sitting there. This lady comes up to my mom, and she says to her, how do you get your children to sit there?And my mother's answer, well, I told them to, you know, and that, yeah. So I was brought up in. Where you do as you're told and children should be seen and not heard. Those are the two things I remember from being used.So we moved. We ended up in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Grew up there, went to school there. Right. My. My sister was the studious one and she would go to school.The day she started school, she was already reading all her textbooks to get ahead for every day. So she knew me, I would go to school, I would be. My parents would call me the rebellious one because I just went to school to have fun.But my sister ended up earning three scholarships to Europe. She went to university in Winnipeg and she got a scholarship for a summit to work in Germany for two months and travel for the third.When she came back, she earned another scholarship to go to university in Germany for a year.Then she came back and she took her bachelor's of education and she won a scholarship to the university in Dijon, France, for three months that summer.

Wow.

And I'm just going ahead and enjoying my life and doing things.And I think I was probably a little jealous because she got this third one and she was going over overseas again and I wanted to go somewhere that my nobody else had been. And I ended up with a job in the Northwest Territories Arctic Circle Lodge on Great Bear Lake. And that was the summer of 1969.And it was a great summer. Everything was totally different. 24 Hour, day o' clock in the morning, take a boat out, and that's no problem. And it was a really good summer.And it was at the end of the summer, the last night before we all got in our planes and flew out, the next day that we had a big party and I ended up coming home. And six weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.My sister came home from France and she came home and she was engaged to a gentleman that she'd met in Germany at the university. He'd gone to France to see her and they got engaged and I came home pregnant. So, needless to say, that was very difficult time. She was so happy.

Yeah.

And she used to. She told me after we'd found Wayne that she used to go to sleep at night crying because her life was so good and mine was so shitty.But I knew I was pregnant and I had to decide what to do because I wasn't 17, I was 20 years old when I was not Pregnant, okay? So I could make my own decision. And I knew that I didn't want to marry the gentleman. It was a one night stand.And I knew that if we did end up getting married, we'd only get divorced. So what was the point in that? Because back in that divorcees were looked at the same way as unwed women were. So.

Right.

So I decided that adoption was the best route. But then I had to tell my parents. And that was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.I remember I would go and I would sit in my living room and I would look at my mom and dad together and think, come on, spit it out. Just say it. Just tell them. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Every night I would go back down to my room.And then one day I just decided I had to tell my mom. I told my sister and she said, well, you've got to tell them. So I told my mom by herself, I couldn't do it together.And her reaction was basically, oh, Janet, how do we tell your dad? I don't know, mom. That's why I'm telling you. So, yes. So she ended up telling my dad. And I had a conversation with them about it.And they wanted to meet the man. And I actually called him and got him. He came over with his parents and my parents talked to them about marriage and this.And I said, no, you know, that's not the way it's going to happen. This child is going to be adopted because the child needs a mom and dad who's going to love him, him or her. Because at that point I didn't know.And I think adoption is the right route. I had no plans, I had no future. I had. I hadn't gone to university.I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and what direction it was going to take. And I felt that a child needed the stability because I'd had the stability growing up with a mom and dad who loved me.You know, the mom who made my lunches every day, who made the bed every day, who took care of the household. And I had a dad who went out to work and, you know, we were stable, middle class family, and I wanted my child to have that as well.And it wouldn't happen. I couldn't see it happening with me. So that decision was made for adoption.

And the, the boy decided, he, he agreed.

When he left my house, I'm sure he went. Got out of that one okay.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm sure his mom and dad were quite pleased as well with the decision.It's interesting, after finding Duane in 2017, I couldn't remember his dad's name. I knew what his first name was, but didn't have his last name correct. I thought it was Peacock, but it was something. It was close, but not quite so.After I'd met Dwayne, there was one day, two years later, I was going through a box that I hadn't opened in years.And I opened it, and there's a list of everybody who'd worked at the lodge in the Northwest Territories with their names on it and their phone numbers, and his name was there. So I. I got it right and I googled him, and unfortunately, he had died the year before I met Dwayne. But it said that Dwayne had six.Six brothers and sisters, three each. So I called him and I told him and found.Went through the obituary with him, and he was able to contact his brothers and sisters and was able to go to a family reunion with them and meet them, find out that he had the same traits as his dad. In fact, the first time they had a Zoom meeting, they couldn't believe how much like his dad he looked.And also drink was the same drink as his dad's. There was so much like him. So I'm glad that Wayne was able to find out those things and.

Yeah.

And at least when he passed, he knew who he was and where he came.

That's right, yeah. Yeah. You said you knew you would eventually hook up with him, like you would eventually try to find him.

Yeah.

Was it just a question of that? You said timing is everything.

It is. Dwayne was born in 1970, and after that, my life went on. My sister got married that summer and she got married in Denmark.So I was able to go to Denmark to the wedding. When I came back, I got a job in the hospitality industry, working for a hotel in Winnipeg.The following year, I heard my parents talking about moving to Montreal, and that was somewhere I did not want to go. I did not speak French and I was terrible with languages, couldn't pick them up.So I decided that I needed to move closer to Montreal because Winnipeg was too far away, that I would never get to see my parents, and I probably never get to see my sister, because if she visited, she'd go to see them, not me. And I was able to get a transfer from the company I was working with and got transferred to Toronto.Therefore, I'm close enough to Montreal, but far enough away. I could go home if I had to, right? I was great in Toronto. I was in the hospitality industry, work for some of the major hotels, great time.And then I lost a job at one of the hotels I was at and I got a job at a fishing lodge. I thought, no, I wanted to get away from the rat race in the corporate world and do something different.And I got a job at a fishing lodge and this was 1974, and went smelt fishing on a Saturday night. You had to do that late at night in the dark to catch the smelt. And I was in an accident.Another boat hit the boat that I was in and I went through the windshield of my boat and ended up in the hospital for many weeks. I had over 165 stitches in my face and smashed cheekbones, smashed nose, a real mess.But that was the time that I really needed to, to go home to my parents when that was over. And it took me a whole year to get through that and between numerous surgeries.Then after that I came back to Toronto State, went in the hospitality industry again, not comfortable, just didn't like it to hotel because I didn't know anything else. That's all I'd done.And then one day I was going home to visit my parents on the train and two gentlemen walked into the bar car because if you're traveling to Montreal by train, you have to go by bar.And one of them caught my eye and it turned out that he was going back to Toronto on the Monday, I was going back on the Sunday, but he called me on the Tuesday and he didn't have a car, so I did. I went and picked him up, brought him back to my place and he never left.That was one of those love at first sights for those people who don't believe in love at first sight, it does happen.

I believe it.

Yeah. We got. Ended up getting married and we had two children, a daughter and a son. And we started our business together.It was a custom furniture manufacturing and retail business that we started back in 1978. There was a recession, he lost his job because he was in construction. And he told me he could build furniture. And I said, nobody builds furniture.People go to a store and buy it. And he said, well, somebody's got to make it in the first place. So we grew that business over the years.We had a lot of fun doing it and we grew it to a multimillion dollar business. We kept it going for 46 years. My husband passed away 11 years ago, but my daughter and I kept it going for another nine before we ended up closing.It was interesting.In 2008, 2009, we built the world's largest rocking horse and got in the Guinness Book of Records because we needed to do something to attract attention to the business. So exciting. It was different. It was. Every day was different. And, yeah, you know, you know, dealing with customers that. No, no two days are alike.There's those that love, you know, that want as much from you as they can get. And, yeah, it was always, always a lot of fun. And we were blessed to have a good life. We were able to travel a lot. We took our kids to places.We, you know, had holidays all the time. It was a blessed life. And then Wayne came back into the picture, and life changed again.

Had your kids. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm curious. Did you. Were your kids aware of him? Was your husband aware of Dwayne?

Yes. Yes, my husband was aware of Dwayne. When Dwayne was born, I named him Kenneth Harold Curtis. That was his name. Bill and I had two children.We had a daughter, and then we had a son, and we named our son Kenneth. So the same name that I'd given Dwayne.

Right.

And that was always a reminder for.

Me.

Because at that time, I didn't know what his name was. Right.

Yes.

So my husband knew about him. But my husband had been married twice before, and he had four children from his first marriage.And whenever they called, it was because they wanted something. And that's why the timing wasn't right in 2004, because my husband would be, what does he want?And that's probably why I didn't go ahead with it, because the feelings that there would be animosity between him, no matter whether Dwayne wanted anything or not, at that point in time, it didn't matter. Animosity would be there because of the way his children were reacting to him.

Yeah. Yeah. And had you told your. Your biological children about Dwayne, or did that not come up until he actually. Until you connected with him?

My daughter knew about him, but my son did.My daughter, when she was younger and 16 and about ready to have sexual activity, I told her about him so that she was forewarned and to be careful and. Because anything can happen at any time.

Right.

So she did know that there was someone out there?

Yes.

She didn't know I was actively looking for him, but it wasn't a shock to her when I found him, but it was a surprise to my son.

Interesting that you didn't feel the need to tell your son that story. Just yes, Just noticing, you know, I probably should have.

Yeah. More so than my daughter, really, but.

Yeah. Right. I mean. Yeah, it's. It's just interesting how, you know, the. The cultural norms at the time. You know, I think now that hopefully that's changing.And we would talk to our sons about that as well, but. Yeah, just interesting to point out. So how did your son take it when he got this news? What. How did you even. How did you reveal it?How did you tell them?

Just sat down, had them over for dinner and sat down at the dinner table and said, you know, that this is what happened. And I've located him. He's in Nashville. I want to stop in and see him on the way back from Florida. And right away, they.They all said they're coming with me. They weren't going to let me go alone because one. It's a brother that they don't know that they'd like to meet.And considering they'd lost the year before, they'd lost their grandfather and the year before that they lost their dad, to have an older brother in their life was something that they felt that they really wanted to know. Kind of replacing the two that lost.

Yes. Tell us about the first meeting.

We decided that we would meet for breakfast. He was in Nashville, so we could. We were driving from Orlando to Nashville. We spend the night in Nashville.We would go over to his home for breakfast. We arrived at the house. There was myself, my daughter, a husband, the two grandchildren, and my son Ken.And we arrived at his house and was standing up front saying, what do we do? You know?

And wait, had you. Had. You hadn't seen him face to face yet?

Never.

Like, there was no FaceTime at the. I guess maybe there was FaceTime. But, like, you hadn't done that.

No, we hadn't done that. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't. Zoom might have been around, but we didn't know about Zoom.

Right.

It wasn't, like, prevalent yet. Yeah.

No.

And.

Right.

So did he know, like, this whole extended family was coming, or was he thinking it was just you? Okay.

Knew we were all coming, so.

Okay.

But we're standing outside the front door and we're all looking at each other and saying, what do we do? What do we say? You know, how do we greet him? Right.And my youngest grandson, Ethan, said, well, you better make up your mind, because I rang the doorbell, and so we didn't have a choice. Yeah.So he was coming to the door, and we're Canadians, and him being Canadian, we arrived with a bottle of vodka And a bottle of juice for Bloody Caesars. And it was 10 o' clock in the morning and we said, you know, this is a great breakfast drink. And he opened the door and we ended up just.Everybody just hugged. It was just the way it was. And went in and spent the day there. We didn't leave early, though.We said breakfast in case things didn't go well and we had to leave. We had to drive home. Yeah, we stayed. Yeah, we were there at that house until 11 o' clock at night.And he was actually having people over in the evening to watch the hockey game. Nashville was in the playoffs and that evening. So a group of his friends came around. So we had a great time.In fact, the real estate agent that had actually posted that he had sold him the house came with his wife and tell him the story that it was all because of him that we actually found each other. As I said, it was just a matter of timing. You know, the day that he posted was the day I looked right.

Isn't it amazing how that always seems to happen like that, like these little things that it could have gone a different way and it didn't. It went that way because that was supposed to happen.

I was always flabbergasted because things happen at the right time. And I know when I sent him my email, I had said to him in the. The email that, you know, if the time is not right for you, I understand.Timing's right to me right now, but if it's not right for you, that's okay. Yeah, but it was right.

Yeah.

So. And this real estate agent's wife calls. Wife's said, this is too much for a Monday. Because it was a Monday. She said, this is too much for a Monday.That he's responsible for you getting together. And. Yes, yes. So we had a relationship. I told you, his mom and I had similar lives. But when we first talked to Dwayne, he was coming to my.I live in Barry, Ontario. He was coming to Barry that summer because he was doing the audio and sound for a group that was coming. Coming for Boots and Hearts Festival.So it was just like everything was meant to be.

Right.

Yeah.

That's extraordinary.

Everything fell into place. Yes, he came for that summer and stayed a couple of extra days. Then they were going to back to Winnipeg to see the family in September.So I decided, well, I would go with them and meet the rest of the family.And when we got on the plane, they flew from Nashville to Toronto and then they were flying to Winnipeg and we were on the same flight from Toronto to Winnipeg. When I got the plane, the plane was full except for the two seats beside me. They were empty.So Dwayne and his wife were able to come and sit beside me for the flight.

Wow.

You know, there was just so many. Little happened that we knew everything was falling into place the way it was supposed to.

That's amazing. I love that. Yeah. What would you say to adoptees who are wanting to reach out to their birth family?

When you want to reach out, just keep looking, you know, you'll find them. Things will fall into place the way they're supposed to. I never expected it to go the way it did.And when you least expect it, it's going to happen and just keep looking. But also, as I said, you have to be open minded. You've got to listen to the story. You can't look if you're angry. I don't think that helps you any.But look, when you're ready, when you're ready, and when you understand that, you've got to listen to the story. I've heard so many stories.One young lady, you know, her mom, there was five children and they were taken because someone reported that the mom was using drugs.But she was doing that because she was a single mom with five kids and having to do something so she could keep awake and keep working to make the money to support children because it's not easy. And then they were taken away. So when she found her mom again, she realized that she's grateful for everything her mom did for her.So sometimes, you know, the stories, they matter.

They do.

The reasons why people do things, they matter.And the adoptees need to understand that no matter what age they are and when they're looking, listen to the story because it changes the whole, the whole aspect. And you might have heard stories, you might have been told things, but they might not have been true.And that's why I say you have to have an open mind and just listen to the stories.

Yeah. And conversely, for birth moms who might be looking for their children, what would you say?

I hope that every birth mom gets a message like I did, saying it's really okay to call. That's a huge. That was a huge blessing. I haven't talked to too many birth moms.There's a lot out there that I still feel ashamed of what they had to go through. And there's a lot of them whose husbands don't know about what happened to them. They're ashamed to tell them.But I'd really like more Birth moms to come out and talk because it's healing, right. And it takes it away.I know after I gave birth, I kind of built this wall of concrete blocks just around my heart because I didn't want to get hurt again.And I still feel they're breaking down slowly but surely since I met Duane, but I still feel that they're kind of there, you know, I'm still not sure I want to let everything loose and let everything. But the day will come when I will.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Talk about holding that for all those years just before you connected with him. What was it like to hold that?And it sounds like you knew you made the right choice, but it's still very painful. Is that accurate? Yes.

Yeah. When I was pregnant with Dwayne, I wasn't put into a home for unwed mothers.I went into live with a family, one of those perfect middle class families, you know, husband, wife, and they had two daughters as well. And I was to look after the daughters and my dad.

But wait, you couldn't stay with your parents or had you, you were already out of your parents house?

Oh, no, I just couldn't stay with my parents because, goodness gracious. And I went out and the neighbors saw me and I was pregnant. My goodness. What would that do? Oh no, that would be. Oh no, that would be devastating.

Aha. So it's like Janet's studying overseas for the next nine months or something. Is that like.

Yeah, Janet's got a job out of town or something.

Yeah, right. Got it. Yeah.

Yeah. But my dad would pick me up every Sunday and would bring me home for dinner on Sundays. But he didn't talk to me. You know, he'd pick me up in the car.I'd get in the car, I'd say, hello, dad, not a word, not a word. Get home, he wouldn't say a word. Put me in the car after dinner, take me back, didn't speak to my dad.

And for the duration of your pregnancy?

For the last six months, from January until June after. Because that's when I moved out just after Christmas.

Okay.

And yeah, he didn't talk to me. And we would have dinner, would have a Sunday night dinner and I would have invite a friend over.My sister was there and so the conversation would be through then. And that was the only way, the conversation there was conversation, including my dad. And I always wanted.And I never did ask him, and I wish I had, but it was after I met Dwayne, when I always wondered about my dad if he didn't Talk to me.Because he felt guilty that this had happened and he hadn't helped prevent it, or that he was just mad at me because I done this and gone outside the box. I never really asked. So I'm tending to think now that he was more disappointed in himself than in me.And I wish that I had tried to find him sooner so that maybe they could have connected. But you can't look back. You can't. I can't change what's happened. And hopefully they're connected now where they're in the space that they're at.But, you know, I still picture in my mind that one day the Dwayne and I will meet each other again and we'll walk side by side on a beach on a tropical island and just get back those years that we missed.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I see that. I see that happening.

I see it too. Yeah, that's so beautiful. You know that we focus mostly on foster families here.I wonder what pieces of advice you would have for foster parents in regards to this. This whole conversation for foster parents, you.

Know, that's got to be one of the most difficult things that you can do, I think, because you can have a child for a week, a day, a week, a month, or you can have a child for years, you know, And I really admire foster parents that can look after those children, take them in, love them, and then let them go. Because that really has to be. That is really difficult. From a birth mother's point of view, the letting go is. Is very hard.But as you say foster, for foster parents, the child is the number one, and you have to be what's best for the child. Right.The foster parents that, you know, you go, you adopted yours, and you still have an open relationship with someone part of your daughter's life. I think if they can keep an open relationship, I think that's much better. It gives you so much knowledge, and it gives the child that connection.Because back in 1970, there was no such thing as a primal wound or the adoption constellation or anything like that.

Right? Yeah.

Like, no. Nobody knew the trauma that a child actually feels by being taken from somewhere where they've been kept warm and cozy for nine months. Yeah.And what a difference it makes when all of a sudden they're. They're born and they're taken away, and there's no connection to what they know. There's no voices, there's no feelings, there's no emotions.There's nothing left for them. And that has to be same.The same for A child that's taken from a home and put into foster care, you know, they have all these things in place and all of a sudden it's all gone. So just be careful, keep the child in front.

Thank you. That's lovely.

And all being well foster to adopt forever, right?

Yeah, sure. If that's. If that's as you say to my stance on that is like what's best for the child. That is not, you know, we can want that.We can want that as much as, you know, anything. And it's this child's path. It's what is meant to be for this child.And it's certainly about keeping the, the child safe and consistency and all of that. So what, what, you know, whatever that means, that's what should be focused on, I believe, is the child for sure.

And give them what they need. And it has to be very difficult, I think, to foster when you have.Maybe it's easier when they're younger, but as they get older, it has to get more difficult. Especially if you're fostering a child that's gone from home to home to home.Then they feel so unwanted that to actually find somebody who can give them some stability and help them, I think a child would have. Is going to have difficulty accepting that as well. That here's somebody who actually wants me and.

Right.

That's something very difficult to work with.

Right. And like letting their walls down. Right.Because these children who are maybe a little bit older have been in the system longer, have been passed from house to house to house. They build walls too. We're human that we do that, you know, And I think it can be really, really challenging for that reason. I completely agree.And we do what we can. Consistency, attachment.You know, one thing that's on my mind is that a lot of foster families now are saying that they're feeling bad or guilty for attaching to these children because they know it's supposed to be about reunification and they, they feel guilty. Oh, I love the child too much. I really, I secretly wish I could adopt this child. And like, my message is like, don't hold back your heart.That's what you're there for. You are there for that. And I know it's so hard, but like, these children deserve someone who attaches and who loves them. Attachment is the point.They need that. And yeah, it's, it's terrifying. But like, don't feel guilty for that.

That's.

You're providing unconditional love for this child for however long you're together and that is a beautiful, beautiful thing. So I, I just want to. I keep on seeing on all the online forums, a lot of foster parents really struggling because they.They want to adopt the children. And, you know, I think that's normal and that's okay. Not all of them do, but.But if you should find yourself in that situation, that's almost like, okay, you did it right. Like you're. You're doing it right, you know?

Yeah. Yes. And let the child know that they always have a place to come back to.

That's right. Absolutely. And many times they do end up coming back.And there's also the thing, as you were mentioning, about creating a good relationship with the birth family so that you can maintain that relationship. And even if they are no longer in your care forever, they. You can still be a part of their lives. And that's ideal, you know, and children need.

The more people that love them, the better they are, you know?

Yeah, absolutely.

Circumstances and love wins everything, you know?

It does.

It's. If we had a whole world of love, my goodness, wouldn't that be amazing? That other four letter word. It can disappear.

Yeah. Agree, agree. Janet, it's so wonderful to talk to you. I feel like we would have been friends back in 1969 for sure.

We could have had a good time.

Yes, we could have. I was always outside of the box, too. I still am. So. Yeah, I. I always see my fellow travelers and I appreciate that. Thank you so much.Is there anything that we've left incomplete for you? Is there anything else you want to say or share?

I don't think so. I think everything, I think from foster to adopt is the way to go now, because people looking to adopt might not be doing it for the right reasons.Going through the foster care system to see whether or not that works for them gives them the opportunity to decide, you know, if you can handle someone from the foster care system, then you can look after children.Whoever it is planning to adopt needs to do it from the child's point of view, you know, looking after the child, not as a satisfaction for themselves.

Yeah, Yeah, I hear that. I hear that. Thank you for engaging. Yeah. In this. It's. It's a multi layered conversation and it's always interesting and it is, it is.

And I find everything is multi layered with regards to this. So this is.Yeah, it's an exciting time for me to do this and it's not something I ever expected to do and it's not something I ever planned on doing, and it's not something right. And sometimes I'm not even comfortable doing it, but it's something that I feel needs to be out there and give people the opportunity.Just like you're giving people the opportunity to talk about it, people need to be able to talk about it, because talking about it is healing for everyone.

Absolutely. Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

This has been the Foster to Forever Podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt, produced by Aquarius Rising. Original music composed by Joe Fulginetti.For more information or to stay in touch, visit from Foster2forever.com that's from Foster the number2forever.com and stay connected with us on Instagram at Foster to Forever Podcast. That's Foster the number two to Forever Podcast. We'll see you next time.