Why I Became a Foster Parent—and Why I'd Do It Again | Susan Devine

But it was nice because then I was busy again and I definitely felt my health increase. I was making sure I eat three meals a day.You know, when, when no one's watching, when the other kids aren't around, you know, you nibble, you don't eat as much. You know, you get a little sad, you know, you get into those mopey modes. I wasn't allowed to get in that mopey mode. I mean, yes, I taught the kids.Yes, there are times you're going to be sad, you're going to have losses, there's ups and downs. But it absolutely made me alive again.

It's the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt. I'm your host, Rachel Fulgenetti.

Hello and welcome. I'm so happy to introduce my guest today, Susan Devine. Susan, I met online and she has fostered and experienced reunification. So she has not adopted.And I think it's important for us to hear all of the stories. So, Susan, welcome.

How are you?

I'm good, thank you. So tell me how you first got involved with friends.

Foster care.

I am a health TA in a local elementary school and I had a student who I was his health ta, assisting in toileting and stuff. And then he, they were removed from the parents and they went with the foster care.But because the one had special needs and had toileting issues at like 8 years old, the nurse in my school was mentioning, you know, she was sad because the foster didn't fit. And I mentioned, oh, wow, I'd love to do that after my daughter graduates high school. Always wanted to, you know, foster as a child.And then Department of Children and Family Services called me and they came the next day, looked at the house. I talked to my roommate and my daughter. They were thrilled. And that Friday we picked them up right before Christmas, December 22, December 16, 2022.So it was a beautiful Christmas.

Did you, I'm assuming you had a great relationship with this child as it was?

Yes, we were. You know, I was already like caring for him. I was from April of the prior year. I went to his next class in September.And then I also knew his older brother. So of course I was like, well, they're going to come together, right? And the lady's like, oh, you'll take both?I said, well, yeah, like, you know, and just make sure it's okay with the older one. And luckily for me, with my reputation with the kids, he was like, oh, well, what teachers taking us?And when he heard Ms. Devine he goes, oh, no, she's cool, you know, so, yeah, it was nice.

And had you had your other children, like your biological children, were they already out of the house or were they.

Still living with you two out of the house? My one daughter owns her own home and my other daughter lives in her dad. And then I have a younger one. I have 36, 34 and 18.So at the time she was 15. But she, she loved it. Even this past Mother's Day, she had given me a card and it's about memories with your mom.And she said the strongest thing she's taken from me is taking in two foster boys and making it work for over a year and a half.

Wow.

It was the most touching gift I've.

Ever gotten, especially at 15, to be okay with that. How old was the other child? So you had an 8 year old and, and how old was the other child?

And 11 and 11.

Okay. Yeah. So that's, that's a big change.

Stages. And she, she, you know, loved it. She gave up her room for them.You know, she took care of them, you know, when I was cooking or I had run out or something, you know, it was, you know, it's a great experience for her and she actually wants to be a school teacher, so.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. Did the 11 year old also have special needs? I'm assuming he did if you were working with him previously.

No, he, he just, he was in regular classes, you know.

Okay.

He has like what they call a 504 accommodation, so if they have any emotional issues, they can leave the classroom, see the, you know, therapists and stuff and. But he was a pretty cool kid. You know, they'd both been through a lot, apparently their whole entire lives they were in and out of foster care.

Yeah.

But they used to tell me that this was the greatest place. It was the closest to home that they felt when they were here.

And did they do visits with the biological family while they were in your care and in your.

Not in the beginning, mom and dad were able to see them, but they didn't. Then about six months into it, they visited a few times and then unfortunately kind of disappeared again. But then dad did come back around.He got himself together last May. He took the children in. So.

Wow. Okay.

Over a year. And I still see the younger one. The older one graduated, so he went to middle school and now he's in high school.

What's it like seeing the younger one now that he's not in your home anymore? What was that transition like?

It Was good, you know, but he's. You know, when he sees me, he calls me Ms. Divine at school because, you know, it's formalities that, you know. At home, he called me Susan.Sometimes he'll see me and get overexcited and be like, Susan, I mean, Mr. Vine, you know, he's actually come to me to sew one of his shirts. One of his teddy bears he brought to my classroom and asked if I could take it home.Because I used to always say I was Dr. Susan, you know, And I was sentenced to surgery and brought it back to him. I'm gonna miss him, though. Cause he'll graduate this year.

Yeah. And are you able to see them outside of school? Or is it just like, not?Like, did the birth family say, like, oh, let's keep in touch, or was that not on the table?

No, I think there's just too much pressure on dad and he's trying to, you know, gain back everything. I do talk to the aunt still, because she.When I had the boys, they went for visits with Grandpa, Grandma, the aunt that, you know, they would spend the night, the weekend, you know, things like that. I actually took their.They have a sister who came up from North Carolina during the holidays and spent some time with them at my house as well, you know.

Okay. Okay. That is nice. Yeah. So did you have to, like, get certified in a hurry to foster, or was it an unofficial. Was it official or unofficial?

First of all, they came by and they did a lot of the paperwork the first night during the interview. And then I did have to take classes every Wednesday. I believe it was eight weeks, you know. And you have to be certified.

Yep, they do.

Back.

Your home has to be certified. What kind of changes did you have to make? Any changes to your home? You said your daughter moved out of her room, had. What was the configuration?The boys were together?

Yes, we put them in her room. She has the largest room. My roommate and I each have a room, so she bunked with me.And then we fixed up the downstairs for her because that also had, like, a living room area and a bedroom. So it was, you know, jumbled in the beginning. Like crazy kayak, you know, chaotic. But it all worked, you know, it was.It was really wonderful, you know.

Oh, that's so great. Did the boys have any trouble adjusting at first, or was it pretty smooth sailing? Because they already knew you.

You know, it's funny.The lady came by that night, the first night they were here, and she, like, was in tears, and she said, you know, my boss said I had to come by here and make sure that I stay until the kids are smiling. When she came in, they were running around, they were playing, they were laughing, and she's like, this is amazing.You know, and, you know, they had some adjustments, and then they, you know, opened up to me and, you know, that that's, you know, you feel blessed when you hear their side of it and their, you know, stories. And I always try to just say, you know, it's an illness. It happens to people.But your parents love you, you know, no doubt, because that was hard when they didn't visit. Like, why aren't they coming? I said, parents just can't do those things, honey. Wait till they're ready. When they're ready, it'll be the right time.And, you know, now the dad did come back in and, you know, did steady visits and, you know, with them for.

And what about. What about the birth mom? Did she ever come back into the picture or. No, no.

The younger boy, Aiden, he did tell me recently he did see the. About a month ago. So I said, well, that's great. How did you feel? He goes, I missed her. He's like, but I also miss coming to your house, too.When can I come visit? You know, So I wrote a letter to the dad, and I said, at any time you want me to take them, you know, I can bring them back to you, whatever.And I don't think that's just ready yet. You know, he's trying to get on his feet, and then I'm sure that there'll be contact, you know?

Right. Yeah. Yeah. Did this experience make you think maybe I should continue to open my home to other kids or. Or were you kind of done once? It was.

No. I. I would love to do it again, but like I said, my daughter just turned 18. She went through her first year of college now.Now I would be interested in doing again because you have to be recertified and stuff. And now I don't have anybody to take care of except for my dog.

Right, right.

But, yeah, we open my home, and I tell people all the time, you know, if you can't open your home, you can help the people that did open their home by supplying, you know, things that don't. Don't get covered by the, you know, the payment that you get. You get a very small payment. You need the toys, you need the sports equipment.Like, it was so nice. I filled up my garage again, you know, and it wasn't just girl stuff. It was boy stuff. It was bikes and bats and football.

Yeah.

You know, gloves and, you know, so it was fun. I grew up with brothers, had all daughters, and then to have boys back in the house was just awesome, you know.

Oh, that's so cool. That's so great. And what a gift. The fact that you also are. Are qualified to take care of children with special needs.You already have those kind of skills and qualifications is just incredibly valuable because there's so many kids, obviously, as you know, in the system, and a lot of them have special needs, and not everyone is equipped to do that kind of work. So. Yeah. Have you been back in touch with DCF or. Not just yet.

Not recently, no. But I'm getting ready to do that, you know, once my daughter's in the second year and things are a little smoother, I think. That's right.My life, you can be more open to it. You know, my older children don't live with me, actually had a little bit more resistance on it. Mom, what are you doing?And I was like, but once they met them and they became part of our family together, they were like, oh, my God, we fell in love with them too, Mom. I said, yes. Wow. Caring about other people and opening your heart and your home. And you know what? It's fun when the house is full. It.There's so much to do.

You never was.

And. And you always have someone to lean on. You know, if you're not talking to one kid, you can talk to the other kid.You go on special little dates with each one of them. I would, you know, take them out, each on their own, you know, like, Aiden, it's your turn.Even when they transition to a foster after my home, I would go over once a week, and I would take, you know, one kid out one week and take the other kid out the other week, you know, and, yeah, you just have to be there for them always, you know, and anytime they knocked on my door, I would open it again.

Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. So wait, they went from your home to a different foster home before going back to. With the. With the father or.

Yes, yes. The older one was having a hard time adjusting, so he went there, and then my little guy went. But then, like I said, we kept in touch.And then the older one actually ended up going to another home. And then from there, last January, they called me up. They were like, if there's an emergency, can you take him back?So I did actually take him back from January to April of last year.

Okay.

And then they went to dads, but they were living separate Actually, the boys, it was sad for about eight months.

Yeah, that's really hard. It's so difficult, especially with the older. The older they get, the more they've been through, it seems like.And it can just make it really challenging. And then they're dealing with, like, hormones anyway, and, like, you know, that any child would be dealing with. And, uh, yeah, that's.That's so amazing that they had you as a safe place to be able to come back to and that you. Sounds like that door is open still, and that's amazing. Take me back to your childhood. What made you.You mentioned that you always thought that you would do this, and you were always interested in foster care. Where. Where did that come from, do you think?

Um, well, I was born in Brooklyn with my brothers. I have three brothers, like I said, two older and a younger one with special needs.So as a child, I kind of would be like, why do we have to do what Ricky does? You know, it was kind of like he was annoying, you know? And as I grew older and realized he had special needs, I became his protector.Actually, my job before working at the school, I worked for the New York State Appellate division of the Supreme Court, representing the rights of individuals like my brother and psych wards and stuff like that. So I guess I've always been driven and the underdog, those that we overlook, the ones that don't have a voice that.That really, truly need people to spe for them and be there for them, you know, and. And share your joy of it so that others may open their minds and their hearts, you know, because special needs is not going away. It's.It's increasing mental health issues. And, you know, it's very true.

What. What do you attribute that to? Do you. Do you. Have you seen. You've seen it got. Get worse over the years?

There's more and more needs, you know, and, you know, not enough help sometimes. You know, as a child, my brother would be more shunned. Like in church, we had to go to the quiet room because he rocked in the back.And I used to think, but he's not making noise. They need to be seen. They need to be heard. They're part of our community, not put in the corner, you know?

Absolutely.

I go places and people are so like, especially the young people. They're so kind to my brother and they, you know, like, we went to Disney World with him and a lady came up so you can get special passes.We didn't even know anything about it. She goes, oh. And it doesn't even cost anything. So it's amazing that the world has become more welcome to people, but it's not going to get easier.It's going to get harder. But we all have to stick together, get educated, and be there for each other.Like, I still talk to the other foster parents because they did foster to adopt two kids. One years ago that was a relative, and then one that was in foster was my boys with them.They just recently adopted him in February, and they invited me to go, and it was such a beautiful, beautiful ceremony. You know, it's.

How did you get connected with them? Did the social worker connect you guys when you were first both starting your journeys? Or how were you connected with the other foster parents?

But they. They had done it, like I said, years ago. They fostered and adopted, and then they were looking to foster more children and make their family larger.So they had a little boy at the time, and the older one, like I said, he was having some issues, and he took a respite at their house at one point. And then we just, like. I don't know, we immediately connected. We still, like, talk to each other, text each other, see each other on Facebook.You know, like I said, I went to the adoption, and it's nice. Even a lady I work with, she. She also fosters now, too, and loves it, you know, and she works in our school district.And our school district is amazing supportive of this. You know, I have to say, my boss, my building itself, they.When I first got the boys, they all chipped in and gave us gift cards to all different places. Bowling alleys, movie theaters, Burger King, the diner. Like, it was amazing. Wow. It was amazing.

Oh, that's so great. That's Wappingers.

Yeah. Central School District.The second Christmas I had the boys, they had given me a gift card from the police department to make sure that anything I didn't have for the boys, they would have. They gave us, like, all this food. I was like, this is all for us, you know, I was like. And they were like, yes, we wanted to do something.And I was like, wow. You know, it's an amazing community we have.

That is so great. And it is true. And I've heard, actually, through other local foster moms, that the Dutchess County Child Services is wonderful, too.Like, just really, really great and communic and supportive and that kind of thing. So that's. That's really encouraging to hear because a lot of people have a difficult time dealing with the system itself. So I'm.I'm so happy to hear that every year.

Then they give away, like, the helmets and stuff like that, the bike helmets and stuff. And they. They really are anything. You need to just call them up. You know, they. They do birthday boxes for the kids when their birthday comes up.You just tell them the kids would like sneakers or the kids would like a bean bag, and they provide it. They bring it over, and it's. It's great because that's what kids need.

They do. They need to know people care. Are you single? Like, were you doing this by yourself? Are you parenting by yourself? Or do you have a partner?

Yes, I'm single parent. Sophia's dad, my youngest one hasn't been involved, so I was married. Got divorced from my older children's dad. Single mom.

Yeah. You're just doing it by yourself. Yeah, you just do it. What kind of dog do you have?

It is a pity mix. My Rosemary.

Oh, nice. Okay.

Another resident.

How old is she? Yeah. You had to get her kind of certified too, right? Like, they had to make sure that she was not aggressive and that kind of thing.Did you have to get. I mean, I'm assuming you already had a license for her. Did they make a fuss about the dog?

Asked for paperwork, but.

Okay.

The night that the lady came in to interview us, she ran over it, and she actually. Funny story.She pulled the woman's pants down a little bit, like, because she got, you know, like, the nails, like, it just hit it, and she laughed and laughed, but she was absolutely there for the boys.Like, when they would go in their bedroom, the dog would wait down the hallway, and then when she'd come back in the living room, I'd be like, oh, they're sleeping, you know, like, so she liked it too. It was that. It was, like, sort of comfort for them, you know?

Yeah.

Like a service dog, you know, and she's.

Yeah.

Love herself. She was rescued. So, so sweet.

Yes. The best dogs. Yep. Oh, that's really great. What surprised you the most about this experience? Would you say.

How. How easy, you know, it was to just make them part of the routine, you know, and.And their willingness and, like, you know, they were very loving and, you know what I'm saying? Like, I thought that they would be more scared and more, you know, some of the training teaches you things that they do.And I'm like, well, they don't do that, though, you know, so.

Wow.

I think it was our bond prior by me being a teacher and. And their safe place. School is a safe place for most kids.

Yes.

So I think that helped with the transition. And that was, like, surprising, you know, that I thought it was more difficult, and it really wasn't. It just. It just seemed natural.It just fell into place.

That's really interesting. You said that the older one started to have issues. He had a hard time. Can you talk about that at all? Like, what was that? Like, when did it start?And how did you handle that?

I think it was more, you know, because moms are the nurturers. Dad takes care of us. And when dad came back around and started calling and having visits, he seemed to push away from me.He also, when he got here, I would say, whenever we did, like, nice things for him, he would almost kind of spoil it in a way. Like, he wanted me to think that he was bad. And I told him, but you're not.I don't think he felt deserving to be treated that way, because his whole life, he was never treated that way. And then he'd say, oh, because you think my parents are bad? I said, no, no, they're not. They're different.They parented you differently than I'm parenting you. That's all. It's just to show you all sides and. And you can choose who you want to be. You know, your parent writes your book and your story for you.But 18, you get that pen, and then you continue to write your own story is what I used to tell him. You have. I love that whatever you like from adults and the things you don't like from adults, don't do them. Get rid of them.And, you know, it was hard because it was. None of my kids, you know, went through that. So that was a little bit DCFS state. You know, they had training.They had people you could call and you know, how to have the conversations, what to say, what not to say. So, you know, in that sense, that helped him, and it helped me understand that my way isn't always the right way either.You have to compromise in every relationship, including.

Yeah.

You know.

Yeah.

Yep.

Is there anything that you would tell people? Like, say somebody is listening and they're really interested in doing this? What type of advice would you give them before taking this step?

Don't be afraid to ask for help. You know, there were days, sometimes I'm like, okay, I just need to walk. You know, I would take a break.I'd go to my car and have a cigarette, which is horrible.But, you know, just know that it can be overwhelming, but there's people there to help and that you'll get through it, you know, and it's Just amazing. It's like a blessing when you have those extra little people that look up to you for, you know, food and shelter and safety and. And fun.Like, let's go play catch. Sure. You know, it's. Yeah, they need it. You know, it's. They just want attention. We all want attention, you know?

Right, right. And, you know, I'm also hearing something about. I'm not sure what your age is, but it sounds like they sort of rejuvenated you in a way.It's like your. Your kids were getting older.They were, you know, approach, like getting out of the house, and suddenly you have that kid energy around again and you get to do all the fun things again. Was that a good part of it for you? And did you feel your age?And the only reason I ask is I'm an older parent, too, so I. I'm not trying to be nosy about how old you are or anything, but just being an older person dealing with having younger kids in the house. Can you talk about that?

Yeah. I mean, I'm not ashamed. I'm 61, and it did it, you know, I kind of.You get that feeling when the kids are flying in the coop of now, do I do it myself? What am I, you know, because I am single, so I don't want to get in the dating pool, you know, I'm okay with it. I have friends.I have people that, you know, I hang out with and stuff. But it was nice because then I was busy again, and I definitely felt my health increase.You know, I was making sure I eat three meals a day, you know, when. When no one's watching, when the other kids aren't around, you know, you nibble, you don't eat as much. You know, you get a little sad.You know, you get into those mopey modes. I wasn't allowed to get in that mopey mode. I mean. Yes, right. I taught the kids. Yes.If there are times you're going to be sad, you're going to have losses, there's ups and downs, but it absolutely made me alive again inside and knowing that I was important to someone and that someone needed me. When. When someone needs you, you have a drive to do the right thing and stay here longer. So, you know, it's true.You got to give them everything you can while you're here, you know, and when my day goes, you know, when my day is, my story is over, I want to know that I've done all good, you know?

That's so beautiful. Yeah. Is there anything else you can think of that you want to share about this journey.

Just do it. It's.It's amazing, you know, if you have that empty space in your, you know, in your house where you could throw a bed in and a couple stuffed animals and a shelf with their little belongings and, you know, just do it. It's fun. It's exciting. You know, at Christmas time, the police officers came and took them shopping and to watch them interact, you know, with.With the public and that people are okay with it. You know, we need. We need more people out there to just open their homes.And it isn't always if you're lucky, it is forever, you know, that you get to adopt.When I worked for the court system, I used to do guardianships, and I had a woman who was actually a famous woman, adopted a child and realized that it was special needs. And at 18, in New York State, you have to actually get guardianship of your children.And she went through that process, and she still advocates and works with Camp Venture and stuff over in Rockland county, you know. You know, yeah, everybody has space. They just don't realize it.

Right. And here's the other thing. People are afraid of getting attached. They're afraid of getting attached and then having the void if.If and when the child leaves. Can you speak to that at all? How did you feel in those first days and weeks after they left your home?

Yeah, you know, it is. It's like letting go of your own children, you know, like my daughter said, I'm moving out. You know, it's like, oh, boy. You know, it's.Yeah, you're letting them have their wings. You know, you give them a home base and you give them wings to fly, and then they fly.So that's the way I kind of looked at it, that I was lucky to have them for the time that I had them, you know? Did it hurt giving them back? Yes. But I know that I was able to take care of them until mom and dad could have them back. You know what I'm saying? So.And it's okay because hopefully they'll remember me and one day knock on my door and be like, hey, remember me? And, you know, I had a cousin who she adopted.She fostered down in Brooklyn and adopted her youngest daughter, you know, and she fostered, like, 30 kids, and those kids always came back to her, you know, like, you know, family become sad and, like, it's okay, you know, there'll be another. Another time, another kid that'll need you one day, you know, and.

Yeah, so oh, Susan, thank you. Thank you for what you're doing and what you did. And I.There's no doubt in my mind that you will be that safe place for many other children when the time is right.

Yeah, I hope so.

Yeah. It's wonderful to talk to you. Thank you so much for coming on today.

Okay, no problem. Have a great day.

This has been the Foster to Forever podcast. Happy stories of non traditional families born through Foster to Adopt, produced by Aquarius Rising. Original music composed by Joe Fulgenetti.For more information or to stay in touch, visit from foster to fort forever dot com. That's from foster the number two forever dot com. And stay connected with us on Instagram at foster2forever podcast.That's foster the number two forever podcast. We'll see you next time.